Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Day 26- Love is responsible

When you judge another, you condemn yourself, since you, the judge, do the same things. --Romans 2:1 HCSB

Today's Dare-

Take time to pray through your areas of wrongdoing. Ask for God's forgiveness, then humble yourself enough to admit them to your spouse. Do it sincerely and truthfully. Ask your spouse for forgiveness as well. No matter how they respond, make sure you cover your responsibility in love. Even if they respond with criticism, accept it by receiving it as counsel.

What does your mate need to see in order to believe that your confession was more than just words.

The very first words of this chapter go something like this: Today will be hard. But as you seek God's strength and wisdom, you will be able to get through it. This day could be a milestone in your marriage if you allow it to be. Boy, they weren't kidding.

I knew that this day was coming. I looked ahead the very first week of the dare and saw that it was a matter of time before I would get to this day. I have probably been dragging my heels a bit to avoid it, but at the same time I knew that it was necessary.

I made a list of my wrong doings and prayed about them asking God for forgiveness. I asked Him for His strength and grace to make it through. I felt like I was ready to face my greatest fears and admit my wrongdoings.

I told Havie that I wanted to be completely honest with him by admitting what I've done wrong and correct my errors up front. I told him that I haven't been taking responsibility for myself. That I've been selfish and unfair. I've resented him, lied to him, and judged him harshly. I have hurt him emotionally and physically. I have tried to control certain aspects of our life. I have been lazy. I could go on, but you get the picture.

Finally, I had to admit something that I am very ashamed of. Back in January, at the height of our problems at home and work. I reached out to someone from my past. An ex-boyfriend. The one and only ex-boyfriend that I knew would be the last person he would want me talking to. I was in communication with him over the course of several weeks through e-mail, text, and a couple of phone calls. It never went anything past that. It wasn't that I was trying to rekindle a relationship with this person, but I needed some kind of confirmation. And I got it. If it weren't for that time, we wouldn't be where we are right now.

It was a wake up call for me. I realized just how bad things were. That person encouraged me to save my marriage at any cost because he hadn't done that in his marriage. I realized that I loved my husband and wanted to save my marriage. It made me realize that I had to make a drastic change which led to the career change and then the love dare.

It is going to take time, but he is not nearly as angry with me and I expected him to be. I have been honest and loving about answering his questions. He told me that he can see the difference between January and now and that's why he believes me. I am going to have to continue to be intentional everyday about repairing my wrongdoings and keeping them from happening again.

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