Monday, October 11, 2010

A New Plan

Here's a shocker- I over analyze things.  I think too much, thus making a mountain out of a molehill.  I am wayyyy too focused on problems and fixing them than I am just living and loving...

And writing this blog is just an example of that.

It's time for a change my friends.  This will be my last blog post here.  I'm moving on and moving forward.  The blog will stay up so I can come back and read it when I need to.  

Thank you to all of you who have read my ramblings.  This place helped me get through one of the most difficult times in my life.  

So, what's in store for me?  Life.  Plain and simple.

Maybe open my own business.

You know, stuff.

Wish me luck!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

A Dedication

To my anchor-



When all the world is spinning round
like a red balloon way up in the clouds
and my feet will not stay on the ground
you anchor me back down

I am nearly world-renowned
as a restless soul who always skips town,
but I look for you to come around
and anchor me back down.

There are those who think that I'm strange
They would box me up and tell me to change
but you hold me close and softly say
that you wouldn't have me any other way

When people pin me as a clown
you behave as though I'm wearing a crown
When I'm lost I feel so very found
when you anchor me back down.

There are those who think that I'm strange
They would box me up and tell me to change
but you hold me close and softly say
that you wouldn't have me any other way

When all the world is spinning round
like a red balloon way up in the clouds
And my feet will not stay on the ground
you anchor me back down.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

So, it's decided...

I'm headed back to Corpus Christi.

UNLESS I miraculously get a teaching job in the next two weeks.


We honestly can't afford to continue to hold down two households.  Not to mention that I miss my husband terribly and we are ready to get back to work on our relationship.

This is a decision that I would never make normally, to go back.  But we've prayed about it and know it's the right thing to do.

My time in Lubbock has truly served it's purpose.  I believe it was a decision I made with my Heavenly Father's guidance.  We had to be separated from each other to be able to see the big picture and appreciate each other again.  And for me personally, it has allowed me to focus on some personal issues that I've been able to avoid for way to long.

We have work to do, but I have faith that as long as we keep the Lord at the center of our marriage, we will be okay.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The Climax

The climax (from the Greek word “κλῖμαξ” (klimax) meaning “staircase” and “ladder”) or turning point of a narrative work is its point of highest tension or drama or when the action starts in which the solution is given.[1][2]




We've recently been discussing plot with the 4th graders on our campus. We have been using a graphic of a mountain to help the students understand the elements of plot.

It all starts with a problem at the base of the mountain. Then climbing up the mountain is your rising action. The peak of the mountain represents the climax or turning point of the story. Then it's "all downhill" until you reach the resolution.

I know that real life doesn't always follow the "rules", but every time I think I've reached the climax of my current situation, I look up and realize I'm not even close yet. It's like this mountain keeps stretching taller when I'm not looking.

I feel so exhausted from the climb. I always feel like giving up. Sometimes I just want to stop right where I am, but it doesn't take me long to figure out that this isn't where I want or need to be. So, I look back down the mountain. It's always VERY tempting to head on back down. It would be pretty easy to do. But then again, I've worked so hard to get here and I just can't imagine letting all of that hard work go to waste! Besides, my problem is still down there at the bottom so I'm just going to have to start all over again eventually. And sometimes that thought makes me feel very bitter. What choice do I have? It's not fair.

Sometimes I get stuck right there, maybe for a little time, but I'm embarrassed to admit that sometimes I let it last way too long.  Sometimes I've been stuck so long that I look around and I'm not even sure where I am or where I'm going anymore.

I always end up deciding to move forward.  I guess I'm just that kind of gal.  I push forward, head down, trying to get where I need to be.  But as I mentioned, I don't seem to be reaching the top.  I continue to do the same thing even though it hasn't been working out for me.  Because I think it's what's right?  Because I think it's what other people want me to do?  Because I don't know what else to do?  I really don't know.

But now that I think about it, there's probably more than one path up the mountain.  And there's probably no shame in having to head back a little if it means finding a more suitable path.  Even if I had to start completely over, I would have learned so much about climbing mountains that I would have a better idea of what to do next time.  Some patience might be helpful as well.

Most of all, I realize that I haven't been using my resources very wisely.  I haven't been humble enough to seek out my Heavenly Father's plan for me.  I haven't had faith in the process.  I've lamented for not knowing what to do, but I haven't even asked.  Now, that's just plain silly when I really think about it.

Now that I know, I can't continue on this road.  I'm not sure what I will do just yet.  I need to get on my knees and ask.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Dreams


All of a sudden, I'm asking "What if?"

I'm remembering dreams from long ago.  Considering possibilities I'd determined were impossible.  Why?  That's what I'd like to know.  Why not?

Do I have the courage to make those dreams come true?  Maybe I do.  We'll see!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Creative Release


I've always been a pretty crafty person.  It comes to me naturally through my mom's family.  Her mother was an artist who specialized in toll painting, and my mom is incredibly gifted with creativity.  I also have some very artistic siblings.

I started at a young age with crafty endeavors.  I've been into photography, scrap booking, painting, graphic design, and beading.  A few years ago, when I got married and started teaching, I just didn't have time or energy to work on anything anymore.  I'd try to start a project, but it would never get finished.  I felt like I'd completely lost my creative spark.

I tried different projects, but I just couldn't enjoy it!  It honestly felt like a chore which is crazy.  Crafting was a major hobby for me at one point in my life- a way to escape and relax.  I didn't have an outlet anymore and I pretty much just gave up.

Ever since I moved to Lubbock, my Aunt has been inviting me to go paint pottery with her at a local place called Art Avenue.  Twice a month they have S.O.S. (Save Our Sanity) night.  It's always on Friday nights from 8-12, and each one has a theme.  If you dress up according to the theme, you get 10% off.  They have snacks and games/door prizes.  It sounded like fun, but I was BROKE!

I finally got to go for the first time two weeks ago.  I had $10 and I was ready to have a night out of the house.  I made a little hanging plaque for my classroom.  I had such a blast!  I got to socialize and be creative at the same time.  I finished painting it just in time!  I was so nervous about how my first project would look once it was fired.

I went back last night, and I was so pleased with the final result!  I added the wire and beads and had the confidence to start a new project!


The shop has a shelf of items that individuals started, but never came back to finish.  After 6 months, they wash the pieces off and put them back up for sale for a discounted price.  I was able to score a vase that normally costs $21, and with my 10% discount for dressing up and my $5 off coupon I won at the last SOS ended up about $6 for it.  I got busy painting it and was able to finish it right before they closed last night.  I can't wait to see how it turned out.

I'm just so happy to be finding myself again.  It's little things like this that are bringing me closer and closer to where I need to be.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Hurting




I've watched you my entire life, you were so fascinating to me.  Far more bold, confident, and intelligent than I could dream to be.  When we were young, I was so jealous.  You could break the rules without batting an eyelash.  You could remember the words to a song after the first time you heard it.  I wanted to be just like you, but I couldn't be.  You were younger, but older.  I always knew that.

Then everything got broken, and it was my turn to shine because I could take care of you.  It's the only thing I could do better than you- take care of you.



They told me I was the oldest and I had to be a good example.  I had to be responsible because you were watching.  And I believed them.  I tried to be the best I could be, but you didn't want to be like me.



We got older and older and you got deeper and deeper in trouble and I felt so responsible.  I thought it was my fault.  When we would fight, I couldn't sleep and all I wanted to do was make up.  I took on a new role.  I became your protector.  I thought I was being just.  Doing my job.



Then you left.  And came back.  And left again.  Over and over.  Breaking my heart each time.  I was always there trying to help you pick up the pieces.  Telling everything that THIS time it was going to be different.  JUST WAIT AND SEE!

All of these years later, and I'm still playing that role.  Cheerleader.  Protector.  Enabler.

But you broke my heart again today.  For the last time.  You've made your choices and I just have to let go.  I will always love you and I will always hope and pray for you, but I can't keep supporting you.  It's not my responsibility.  It's not my fault.  You're only hurting yourself.

I wish things could be different for you little sister, maybe someday they will.  It's up to you.

I'm Still Here


I feel like my life is kind of in this bubble right now.  I'm stuck in this in-between space.  I know it's only temporary, but it won't be changing as quickly as I'd like it to.  I'm trying to remember that this in-between space has it's purpose.

I feel like I was in this exact same position a year ago, and feeling incredibly frustrated with it.  I'm practicing more patience this time and trying to let it all play out.  My hope and prayer is that if I give this time, I'll never have to be here again.  At least not for this reason.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Updates all around

I have a job now!  Which is a huge relief to me.  I am a Special Education Paraprofessional at one of the local elementary schools.  It is a great campus, a great staff, and I'm really excited to meet the students next week when school starts.

Now, I know what you're thinking.  Didn't I just turn down a similar job?  Yes, I did.  I accepted this position because it is way more likely to lead to a teaching position, it's here in Lubbock where I'm far more likely to find a part-time job to supplement my income, and because I felt like I needed to get back in before too much time passed.  I've had friends take a few years off from teaching to have children and have never been able to get back into a teaching job.  The education field is constantly growing and changing and I guess they see you as out of touch if too much time has passed.

In any case, I'm loving it so far!


 
I was visited by my husband a few weekends ago.  It was a great weekend even though I was plagued by a mysterious back injury and we ended up laying low most of the time.  We did drive to Spur so he could see our pups.  Thumper was beside himself.  They really missed each other!  That's about the time that I said, maybe I should head on back to Corpus Christi.  I hadn't found a job and I was feeling like maybe I had made a big mistake.  But Havie so no.  He said that we've made so much progress so far and that he wants to come here when we're ready, so he didn't think me moving back was a good idea.

And I knew he was right.  We both still have work to do, but I'm grateful that things really are getting better for the first time in our relationship.

So, what's the hold up on his moving here?  Well, it's a looooooong story but basically he has a suspended license stemming back to a very old ticket for having no insurance.  We thought it was taken care of (even have documents from the state saying his license was restored) last summer.  On his way back from Wyoming this past fall, he was pulled over for speeding and given a ticket which he paid.  Then right about the time I left, he got a letter saying that his license was re-suspended for a year.  I left him with all of our receipts from our original surcharge payments, the letters from the state saying it was taken care of, etc.  I left it for him to figure out for once.

Turns out, they say we never made our last surcharge payment or reinstatement fee (both of which there are receipts for).  To top it off, if we hadn't, why on earth would they send us a letter stating his license had been restored and send him a new one?  But the year suspension is because he got a ticket on a suspended license!  They said they made the determination sometime between the time they sent his new I.D.  in August and when he got his ticket at the beginning of November, but we were never notified until this May!

Anyway, he hired an attorney, but we found out today that there's nothing that can be done.  I just don't get it.  Even with all of our documentation and all of their screw ups, that suspension stands until next summer.  Since my husband works in corrections, he can't get hired here unless he has his license back.  And we can't afford for him to leave his current job in corrections just to be here with me.

Unless a teaching position opens up for me, it looks like it will be a year from now before we are living together again.  I'm just trying to have faith that it will all work out the way it's supposed to.

As strange as it may seem, I'm really happy right now.  I'm grateful and hopeful.  Life isn't always perfect, sometimes it's downright messy, but it's always good.

Friday, August 6, 2010

No, Thanks

I learned a new vocabulary word today boys and girls!  Oh how I struggled to use it, but you know it felt pretty darn good afterwards.  I may just have to use it more often!

But wait!  Before I dive into that, let me please apologize for my last post.  I was pretty down in the dumps if you couldn't tell.  Sometimes I just have to get that stuff out and then I feel so much better.  I did and I do.

So, back to the subject at hand.

You see, not much has really gone the way I would like it to since I got here.  Well, at first it did.  But lately it's been one thing after another.  The job that I thought was "the one" didn't work out.  I didn't even get an interview.  There are no teaching jobs in this area right now because of a budget issue.  I haven't had even a nibble!

Last weekend while my husband was here visiting, we drove to Spur so he could see our dogs.  While we were there, I asked my grandparents if the local school district might be hiring.  Two phone calls and about 10 minutes later, I had an interview scheduled for the next day.  Only, this wasn't for a teaching position.

It was for a One-on-One Special Education Paraprofessional position.  I would be working with one student all day long.  He was a 4th grade boy with Cerebral Palsy.  One of my duties would be to assist him in using the restroom and cleaning him afterward.  I would be primarily responsible for his education because the entire district only has ONE Special Education teacher.  I would essentially be acting as his teacher, but would not be paid as one.  I knew I couldn't expect much, but I had no idea that they could only offer me $12,000 a year.

I had already done the math for subbing all year and stood to potentially make at least $14,000 if I worked daily for the entire school year.  So, I told him I couldn't take less than $14,000 to even consider the job.

He was able to offer me the $14,000 and then I had a big decision to make.  On the one hand, this was guaranteed money with benefits and a foot in the door, but in a terribly small town an hour away from the city I'm currently living in.  I wouldn't be able to afford to drive back and forth daily and there's no way I can live on my own for $14K, so I would have to move in with my grandparents.  Which wasn't a completely horrible idea.

On the other hand, if I stayed in Lubbock and waited to see if I got hired on to sub, I could also potentially find a second job.  I'd have a better chance of getting my foot into the door with the districts I really want to work for and live where I really want to live, but as of now I'm not hired to sub and there's no guarantee that anyone else will ever want to hire me.

And then there's a million other things that I considered, but it all boiled down to the fact that when I thought about what the job would entail all I could do was feel dread.  So I went to bed last night thinking that I would just have to take my chances and maybe start looking for jobs in other areas altogether.

When I woke up this morning, I was having second thoughts.  I know that no one loves job hunting, but for me it is a particularly heinous form of torture.  I thought it would just be easier to take it and be done with it.  Not to mention that I really didn't want to call the Principal and tell him thanks but no thanks.  I actually started feeling guilty that I was going to turn the job down.

That's when it happened.

All of a sudden I knew that this opportunity came along because I HAD to turn it down.  I had to not settle.  I had to not do the easy thing.  I had to choose the hard thing, the right thing.  As horrible and scary as it is to turn down the ONLY offer I've had, that's exactly what I did because there has to be something better out there for me.

This is me letting it go.  I know it will come and I'm going to stop trying to control WHEN it comes.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

The Truth Is...

I just don't trust myself anymore.

You see, I thought I was finally getting somewhere in life.  I thought my marriage was stronger than it had ever been.  We were active in our church.  I was doing things that I really enjoyed with people that I really admired.  I was seeing a future coming together...

Only, I was really wrong.  It all started falling apart.  I was being deceived...  Worst of all, now I'm not sure if any of it was real or not.  I'm not sure who I can trust, most of all myself.

I can't make sense of anything anymore.  I went from feeling like I finally understood this life and where I was going, to feeling like I know nothing at all.  I went from having a family to feeling utterly alone.  I went from a life I had built to living this life that feels like it's borrowed.

I have options, but none of them feel right.  Nothing feels right anymore.  I pray for answers, but I don't get any. I pray for wisdom, courage, anything!  But I feel no relief.  I just don't know what to do.

I can't see the future anymore.  I'm trying to make it through the next hour of my life.  I know this all sounds terribly dramatic.  I hate the sound of it myself.  I make myself sick.  I wish I could just STOP.

But I don't know how to.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Too Much

I
There's so much going on right now.  So much I want to write about.  So much to be said...

Like this mysterious back injury I woke up with Friday morning.

Or the weekend I just spent with my husband.

Or my job offer that I have until Monday to decide about, that I really don't want but might have to take if nothing else comes up this week.

It's just too much for me to process right now.  I have faith that it is all going to get worked out, someday.  Right now I'm in the thick of it and I'm overwhelmed, so I'm officially shutting it down for at least the day.  I'm pretty much stuck in bed with this back strain anyway.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

All I have to say


Sara Bareilles - King of Anything from Sam Garvey on Vimeo.

After a night like last night, this is all I have to say.  And no, this isn't directed at who you probably think it is...


King of Anything by Sara Bareilles


Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But you’ll never see
You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps
You got the talking down, just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Let me hold your crown, babe.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Weighing In

Current Weight:  297.7 lbs
Loss:  -6.3 lbs
Total Loss:  -9.5 lbs
Emotion:  Whatever


It's been 8 weeks since my last official weigh in.  So much has been going on, it's kind of crazy.  I wasn't really worried during that time whether or not I was losing weight- I was just trying to keep my pieces together.


When I first got here, 6 weeks ago (WOW), I immediately started working out.  I just wanted to try to make myself feel better, and it worked.  I guess it's endorphins or adrenaline or something to that effect, but I started feeling much stronger.  


The problem is that I was still sad and confused and trying to understand why all of this has happened.  I can admit I got pretty bitter.  I wondered how much I have to go through in one lifetime.  I've already had a horrible childhood among other personal tragedies.  Seems like I've faced enough trials in this short life of mine.  I was having myself a regular pity party over here.  Maybe I still am.


All I know is that I've eaten enough bean and cheese burritos to last me a lifetime.  You see, food is my go to comforter and now that I live in a place that I can eat my childhood favorite, Taco Villa, I've been getting my fill.  Only it doesn't actually make me filled.  It's bad guys.  I'm well aware of it, but as of yet I haven't been able to stop it.  


I need a Taco Villa intervention or something.  I'm working way too hard to keep sabotaging myself this way.


To keep this from being completely negative, just let me say that I'm stoked I hit a milestone of being under 300.  I don't EVER want to go back.  

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Spur, TX






About 60 miles ESE of Lubbock, in Dickens County is a tiny little town of Spur, TX- population 1088.

Spur is where both of my dad's parents are from, where my great-grandparents lived during my childhood, and where my grandparents retired to around the time I graduated high school.  It's an enchanting little town.


I've been traveling back and forth from Lubbock to Spur nearly every weekend since I moved home.  My grandparents are caring for my two dogs because I can't have them where I'm currently living.  Yes, I am one of those who consider their pets their children.  It's been tough. 


Luckily the hour drive is a really pleasant one.  I really enjoy the landscapes of West Texas, and it feels so familiar as I remember driving the same path many times as a child.  I've done some of my best thinking during those drives.  It's quite a spiritual experience for me.  I marvel at the world God has created.


On my way to Spur yesterday, I started thinking about my very first memory of Spur.  When my parents were divorcing, my Mamaw and Papaw (great-grandparents) took me to Spur to have a little visit.  I was three, but pretty close to four.  My Papaw was a cotton farmer.  They had a huge barn, a big covered porch, and a little sun room that I spent most of my time in.  I remember that they had their own bedrooms and I couldn't quite understand that.  Mamaw said it was because Papaw got up so early.

Every morning when I woke up, Papaw was already out in the fields working.  I'd look out his window and sometimes I could see him on his tractor.  I loved him so.  I'd eat breakfast and get cleaned up quick so I could go outside and play.  On the porch there was a big swing and usually a new batch of kittens.  They had SO many cats!  Mamaw said it was because mice like cotton and cats like mice.  All I knew is that I loved kittens!  I was actually very allergic to them and usually had a reaction, but I really didn't care.

Before long, Papaw would come by and pick me up for our daily trip into town.  He'd take me to the corner store and buy me a Slush Puppy and a Lik-M-Aid.  I'd sit in the passenger seat quietly while he ran his errands.  We were best buds. 


I have to interrupt this part of the story to tell you a little bit more about Papaw.  He died when I was 8, and I just cried and cried.  He was a good man and I've only realized that more and more the older I get.

The Watson land bordered the Spur cemetery.  At one point, they needed to expand the cemetery and asked to buy some land from my great-grandfather.  He said he'd be delighted on one condition- they allow blacks to be buried in the cemetery.  Up until that point, they weren't allowed.  The very first person to be buried on that section of the cemetery was a black man that had worked with my grandfather for years at the Watson Gin.  (Oh, P.S. my maiden name is Watson)  My Mamaw and Papaw are both buried there as well.

Now, where was I? 

After our errands, Papaw would drop me back off at the house and I'd sit in the sun room playing with paper dolls or sit at Mamaw's desk sewing buttons like she taught me.  In the afternoon, Papaw would come home for a snack- Buttermilk and Ritz crackers.  I tried the buttermilk and thought it was horrible, so I just ate Ritz.  Then it was time for a nap.

In the evening came dinner and watching the black and white TV.  I loved it there, so much so that I asked if I could stay a little while longer.  My Memaw tells me now (my grandmother) that I was so well behaved, that they kept me another week, but they took my younger sister next and brought her back early because she was a pill! 

After Papaw died, Mamaw had to sell the land and the house.  I drive out there once in a while.  The owners let my family hunt out on the Watson land every year.

Time moves on and things change, that's just the way it is.  I am so blessed to have had the experiences I did and be able to remember them.  I thank my lucky stars for my dad's side of the family- they created a stability for me in those early years when everything else was so crazy.  I think it's what gave me something to strive for all of these years later.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Victimized


Some time between 1:30ish and 3:30ish yesterday, while we were playing in the park, someone decided that they'd really like to have my purse that I thought I had hidden in my back seat.

Which purse would that be?

Oh, just my beloved Brown Pebbled Leather Coach purse.  You know, the one that had my Coach wallet, my Maui Jim's, my flash drive with all of my life on it, and every little bit of money I had to my name in it?  Yep, that one.

Police were called, banks were notified, and insurance was called.  I didn't cry until I thought I had left my wedding ring in the purse as well.  That's when I lost it.  I could handle losing everything else.  I mean, it's stuff.  It doesn't mean anything other than they were all gifts from my husband.  The flash drive was hard because I lost most of my digital pictures and never will be able to replace them.  BUT the ring?  That was another story.  It had nothing to do with the monetary value.  It was about it's emotional value or whatever you call it.  My heart sank.

Before I could run home and check the only other place I remembered it being, I had to go check out the gas station where the perps had tried to fill up.  I was hoping they had tossed some of my stuff (flash drive!) or SOMETHING!  But no such luck.

By the time I got home I was pretty much convinced that my ring was going to be there, and I was right.  With my spirit renewed, I scrounged up some change and spent an hour vacuuming up glass and thinking about why this was happening.  I worried about what I was going to do.  I have no more money coming in and everything I had is now gone.  I have an open hole in my car and no way to fix it anytime soon.  I have not heard back on a single job application yet.  I thought about how much I wished my husband were here to help me or at least soothe me.  I didn't know what else to do, so I prayed.

Then I went and bought a heavy duty shower curtain and taped it over my open window in the dark.  That's when the help started pouring in.  Everyone reaching out to do whatever they could.  I was so overwhelmed by how many people cared and loved me.  I'm horrible at asking for help.  It makes me incredibly uncomfortable.  But this time, I didn't even have to ask.

My best friend called me late.  She said that she had been sitting on her couch worrying about me.  Thinking a million things when all of a sudden she got really calm.  She said she knew everything was going to be okay because I'm strong enough to do this on my own.  She said she knows that I don't know that about myself and that it's time I figured it out.  This wouldn't have happened if I weren't strong enough to handle it.  Just as she said it, I felt the confirmation.

Everytime I think it can't get any worse, it does.  And yet, I make it through.  I can do this, and when I can't- someone has stepped in and helped me.  This is all new to me people.

I'm feeling really grateful today.  My window is being fixed.  Gas and groceries are covered.  I have faith that I will find a job, and that everything is going to work out.

I think in the past I relied to heavily on my husband.  I forgot that I was strong enough to do things on my own.  I became so helpless.  I'm sure he felt so much pressure and frustration that they woman he met and fell in love with for her strength disappeared right before his eyes.

Just a thought.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

"Status" Update



Yesterday, I decided to re-add my husband as a friend on Facebook.  (Yeah, it got that juvenile at one point)

He then proceeded to update is relationship status as married to me and when I confirmed the relationship, I had no idea what I was getting myself in to.

See, I have this tendency to forget that every little thing I do on Facebook is documented for all of my "friends" to see.  I wasn't prepared for all the responses that I got and the apparent confusion it caused.  It apparently meant something far more significant that I imagined!  I thought it was just a statement of fact- I mean, I AM married to the guy, but it was taken more as a declaration of epic proportions!

I just want to take this time to officially declare the real status of my relationship.

We are separated.  We love each other.  We do not want to file for divorce.  We are taking this time to focus on our own personal issues (A first on his end).  Time will tell what happens for us, but we both want to save our marriage.  If things continue on this current path, I have every hope that we will eventually come back together and live happily ever after.  He is staying in Corpus Christi for now.  I am staying in Lubbock.  That's about it.

I hope this clears up any confusion.  OH, and I don't normally say this, but I'd appreciate it if you kept your opinions to yourself.  I've had my fill.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

These Days


I'm spending the summer babysitting my best friend's two children.  They are 6 and 7.  We do about an hour of "school work" every morning and watch iCarly until lunch time.  (I had never seen iCarly before, but these kids are OBSESSED!)  Then we try to find some way to get out of the house...  Parks, Libraries, local FREE events, or swim in the backyard pool.  Their biggest concern is how much fun they're going to have today.

Sometimes I miss being a kid.

I'm in such a strange place right now.  I know what I need to do and why, but something is holding me back.  It's fear.  I feel so tempted to just run back to everything that was familiar and easy, but I know that I can't.  Well, I could but I'm not going to.  It would defeat the whole purpose.

When I made the decision to leave, I thought it was about what my husband did.  I thought it was about our marriage, but now I know that it isn't about that at all.  This is about me.  I have forgiven him and he has shown me that he is finally taking the steps he needs to take, but it doesn't change anything because I still have work to do.

I don't need to get to a state of perfection, but I need to get to a state of stability.  I need to face my demons and deal with all of this stuff that has been following me around all of my life.  I thought I was ready when I got here, but now I'm starting to drag my feet.  It's fear.  I'm afraid.

Yesterday, I drove to the temple.  I sat outside and prayed.  I started to say that I didn't know what to do, but the spirit guided me to rephrase my statement.  I KNOW what I need to do!  I just need the strength and courage to do it!  I will continue to pray for it.

P.S.  Thank you to those of you who are still reading.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Feeling Strangely Fine

It's Friday.  Two weeks ago today, I was loading my life in a U-haul.  I was crying from pain, frustration, fear but feeling courage like I'd never known before.  Courage because somewhere in my bones, I knew what I had to do.  Courage because somewhere deep inside burned a hope that thrust me forward when all I really wanted to do was crawl in a dark corner and hide from the rest of my life.

When I set out that Saturday morning, I wondered how long it would take to not feel broken anymore.

I have the day off today.  I have a long list of to-do's.  But I started out at Barnes & Noble to use some free Wi-Fi and reconnect to the world.  The first blog I RAN to was Passionista!  (No offense to the other blogs I read, I just knew she must have posted the July Mix already and I needed a music fix)

Sure enough, it was up and I started falling in love.  (I have a long list of new downloads now!)

Here I am.  Sitting on the 2nd floor next to a big window, sipping my favorite drink, watching the rain fall, and feeling a peace that I wasn't sure I'd be able to feel again.  This is what my Heavenly Father wanted for me.  This moment.  To be able to see the beauty in the world again.  I recognize this girl.  She feels like me.

Who says you can't go home again?

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Checking In

Oh bloggy friends, I have missed you so.  I wish I could keep up with what's going on in your worlds right now, but I don't have Internet access very often and when I do, it's usually for just a few minutes.  I'm babysitting an adorable little boy today and tomorrow and I was able to connect while he's napping.

There's so much I want to tell you, but I probably need to keep it brief so, here's the highlights!

1.  I made it to Lubbock!  I pulled a trailer for 11 hours all by myself and through San Antonio traffic no less!

2.  I'm settled in.  I'm staying with one of my oldest friends and it was an easy transition.  I'm very grateful.

3.  I feel good!  I've been working out almost daily.  My best friend so sweetly bought me a membership and I've been doing Zumba and Power Pump for the last week.  I've been working though the pain and I'm seeing results already.

4.  I'm not doing WW.  I'm just eating healthy and conscientiously.  I will probably get more serious about it soon, but for now I'm liking the fact that I'm not worried about it.

5.  I haven't been weighing myself.  Again,something I'll probably get more serious about soon, but for now I'm not worried about it.

6.  I'm happy.  I'm sad sometimes too, but mostly I'm happy.  It's been rough with my husband, but I have faith that I'm doing what needed to be done for me and if things do work out for us- I will be a better wife as a result.  

7.  I know with every fiber of my being that I'm doing the right thing.  I've prayed and prayed for guidance and what God wants for me is to take care of myself for once in my life and stop trying to take care of everyone else instead.  This isn't about saving my marriage.  It's about saving me.  The marriage will follow.

8.  And lastly, I have big plans for myself.  There's so much I've needed to do for so long and I've just put it on the back burner for so long- therapy, al-anon, taking care of my health.  I'm going to do it all now.  I'm not that excited about it, but it's what needs to be done.

I hope I'll be able to blog more soon and get back in touch with all of you.  Thanks for sticking by me and my ever-evolving blog.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Dear Corpus Christi,

When I moved here over 9 years ago, I thought it was temporary.  I came here for refuge and for safety.  I came here to live with my mom for the first time since I was three.  Even though I couldn't stand it, I have to say that you've brought me many blessings.  A degree, a career, a marriage.  Even though I've wanted to leave you for a long time, I guess it just wasn't the right time.

Today is my last day here, and I guess I'm feeling a few different things at one time.  I want you to know exactly how I feel about you.  Let's countdown the top 4 things I won't miss.  And because I want to say goodbye on a high note, we'll countdown the top 4 things I will.

What I definitely won't miss:
#4.  Tourists


#3.  Hurricane Season


#2.  Giant Flying Roaches


#1.  Humidity


What I definitely will:
#4:  Fresh Seafood


#3.  Laid-back Lifestyle


#2.  The beach


#1.  My loved ones




Please take good care of the family and friends I'm leaving behind.  Especially this guy.

Until we meet again,
Brandi

Monday, June 14, 2010

Back on Track

I can't believe it's only been a week since everything went wonky in my world.  It feels like an eternity.  But you wanna know the good news?  I'm surviving!  I'm even...  Smiling!  I know!

It was a roller coaster week and I swear just about everything that could go wrong Saturday, did.  My attempt to raise some money with a yard sale failed miserably, I got stuck for an extended period of time at my in laws, my a/c broke, and I lost my place to live when I get home.

BUT I woke up yesterday with a good attitude and determination and everything worked itself out.  I'm fully packed with the exception of all of my paperwork which is my project this week.  I'm going to attempt to purge and organize my boxes upon boxes of files.  I horde papers like no ones business.  I've always been afraid to throw anything away, but not anymore!  I'm not taking this clutter with me!

So anyway, I'm writing all of this to tell you that I'm trying to get back on track.  I was able to go to the grocery store this weekend and get some good food.  I'm not going to track my points this week because I just have way too much going on, but I'm going to eat 3 meals a day that are healthy and fall into the good health guidelines.  Plus, I have been doing so much physical activity, I'm pretty sure I'm losing weight.  My jeans are loose this morning!

I just want to thank you again for your support and prayers and well wishes.  They have meant a lot to me!

Oh, and I know I've posted this before, but many of you weren't around back then.  I've been watching it everyday to remind myself that there is so much to be grateful for.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Magic


I'm making blogs disappear and reappear like David Copperfield these days!

Okay, so maybe I shouldn't have been so open with my feelings here and on Facebook.  I wasn't thinking about the potential consequences for my husband.  I honestly wasn't concerned about him at all- I mean, he made his bed...  It was never my intention to smear his name, I was only reacting out of my extreme pain.  In any case, I decided that I probably shouldn't post anything about any of it anymore.

Except, this is my method of release.  The last 5 days of my life have been pure hell, and only made worse because I have no way to let it out.  Not to mention that I have felt extreme judgment for my decisions and actions.

I can't stay silent any longer.  I need to be able to say that I feel betrayed and abandoned.  I need to be able to say that I've prayed and prayed and KNOW that I'm making the right decision.  I need to be able to admit my fears, broken heart, hope, and faith.  Everything that exists in this world was created by God, including pain, sorrow, anger.  They serve a purpose.  I should be able to express these valid emotions without fear of repercussion.

This isn't my fault.  My husband is human and makes mistakes.  That doesn't mean I have to repeatedly forgive him especially when he shows no interest in changing his behaviors.  (Have I mentioned that he has yet to apologize?)  Oh, have I mentioned he tried to throw me out of our home yesterday? 

These are REAL things that are REALLY happening in my life right now.  I wish I could paint you some fake rosy picture like I've allowed myself to do for far too long.  I love him, but I love ME more.

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails