No, Thanks

I learned a new vocabulary word today boys and girls!  Oh how I struggled to use it, but you know it felt pretty darn good afterwards.  I may just have to use it more often!

But wait!  Before I dive into that, let me please apologize for my last post.  I was pretty down in the dumps if you couldn't tell.  Sometimes I just have to get that stuff out and then I feel so much better.  I did and I do.

So, back to the subject at hand.

You see, not much has really gone the way I would like it to since I got here.  Well, at first it did.  But lately it's been one thing after another.  The job that I thought was "the one" didn't work out.  I didn't even get an interview.  There are no teaching jobs in this area right now because of a budget issue.  I haven't had even a nibble!

Last weekend while my husband was here visiting, we drove to Spur so he could see our dogs.  While we were there, I asked my grandparents if the local school district might be hiring.  Two phone calls and about 10 minutes later, I had an interview scheduled for the next day.  Only, this wasn't for a teaching position.

It was for a One-on-One Special Education Paraprofessional position.  I would be working with one student all day long.  He was a 4th grade boy with Cerebral Palsy.  One of my duties would be to assist him in using the restroom and cleaning him afterward.  I would be primarily responsible for his education because the entire district only has ONE Special Education teacher.  I would essentially be acting as his teacher, but would not be paid as one.  I knew I couldn't expect much, but I had no idea that they could only offer me $12,000 a year.

I had already done the math for subbing all year and stood to potentially make at least $14,000 if I worked daily for the entire school year.  So, I told him I couldn't take less than $14,000 to even consider the job.

He was able to offer me the $14,000 and then I had a big decision to make.  On the one hand, this was guaranteed money with benefits and a foot in the door, but in a terribly small town an hour away from the city I'm currently living in.  I wouldn't be able to afford to drive back and forth daily and there's no way I can live on my own for $14K, so I would have to move in with my grandparents.  Which wasn't a completely horrible idea.

On the other hand, if I stayed in Lubbock and waited to see if I got hired on to sub, I could also potentially find a second job.  I'd have a better chance of getting my foot into the door with the districts I really want to work for and live where I really want to live, but as of now I'm not hired to sub and there's no guarantee that anyone else will ever want to hire me.

And then there's a million other things that I considered, but it all boiled down to the fact that when I thought about what the job would entail all I could do was feel dread.  So I went to bed last night thinking that I would just have to take my chances and maybe start looking for jobs in other areas altogether.

When I woke up this morning, I was having second thoughts.  I know that no one loves job hunting, but for me it is a particularly heinous form of torture.  I thought it would just be easier to take it and be done with it.  Not to mention that I really didn't want to call the Principal and tell him thanks but no thanks.  I actually started feeling guilty that I was going to turn the job down.

That's when it happened.

All of a sudden I knew that this opportunity came along because I HAD to turn it down.  I had to not settle.  I had to not do the easy thing.  I had to choose the hard thing, the right thing.  As horrible and scary as it is to turn down the ONLY offer I've had, that's exactly what I did because there has to be something better out there for me.

This is me letting it go.  I know it will come and I'm going to stop trying to control WHEN it comes.