Wednesday, July 28, 2010

All I have to say

Sara Bareilles - King of Anything from Sam Garvey on Vimeo.

After a night like last night, this is all I have to say.  And no, this isn't directed at who you probably think it is...

King of Anything by Sara Bareilles

Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But you’ll never see
You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps
You got the talking down, just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Let me hold your crown, babe.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Weighing In

Current Weight:  297.7 lbs
Loss:  -6.3 lbs
Total Loss:  -9.5 lbs
Emotion:  Whatever

It's been 8 weeks since my last official weigh in.  So much has been going on, it's kind of crazy.  I wasn't really worried during that time whether or not I was losing weight- I was just trying to keep my pieces together.

When I first got here, 6 weeks ago (WOW), I immediately started working out.  I just wanted to try to make myself feel better, and it worked.  I guess it's endorphins or adrenaline or something to that effect, but I started feeling much stronger.  

The problem is that I was still sad and confused and trying to understand why all of this has happened.  I can admit I got pretty bitter.  I wondered how much I have to go through in one lifetime.  I've already had a horrible childhood among other personal tragedies.  Seems like I've faced enough trials in this short life of mine.  I was having myself a regular pity party over here.  Maybe I still am.

All I know is that I've eaten enough bean and cheese burritos to last me a lifetime.  You see, food is my go to comforter and now that I live in a place that I can eat my childhood favorite, Taco Villa, I've been getting my fill.  Only it doesn't actually make me filled.  It's bad guys.  I'm well aware of it, but as of yet I haven't been able to stop it.  

I need a Taco Villa intervention or something.  I'm working way too hard to keep sabotaging myself this way.

To keep this from being completely negative, just let me say that I'm stoked I hit a milestone of being under 300.  I don't EVER want to go back.  

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Spur, TX

About 60 miles ESE of Lubbock, in Dickens County is a tiny little town of Spur, TX- population 1088.

Spur is where both of my dad's parents are from, where my great-grandparents lived during my childhood, and where my grandparents retired to around the time I graduated high school.  It's an enchanting little town.

I've been traveling back and forth from Lubbock to Spur nearly every weekend since I moved home.  My grandparents are caring for my two dogs because I can't have them where I'm currently living.  Yes, I am one of those who consider their pets their children.  It's been tough. 

Luckily the hour drive is a really pleasant one.  I really enjoy the landscapes of West Texas, and it feels so familiar as I remember driving the same path many times as a child.  I've done some of my best thinking during those drives.  It's quite a spiritual experience for me.  I marvel at the world God has created.

On my way to Spur yesterday, I started thinking about my very first memory of Spur.  When my parents were divorcing, my Mamaw and Papaw (great-grandparents) took me to Spur to have a little visit.  I was three, but pretty close to four.  My Papaw was a cotton farmer.  They had a huge barn, a big covered porch, and a little sun room that I spent most of my time in.  I remember that they had their own bedrooms and I couldn't quite understand that.  Mamaw said it was because Papaw got up so early.

Every morning when I woke up, Papaw was already out in the fields working.  I'd look out his window and sometimes I could see him on his tractor.  I loved him so.  I'd eat breakfast and get cleaned up quick so I could go outside and play.  On the porch there was a big swing and usually a new batch of kittens.  They had SO many cats!  Mamaw said it was because mice like cotton and cats like mice.  All I knew is that I loved kittens!  I was actually very allergic to them and usually had a reaction, but I really didn't care.

Before long, Papaw would come by and pick me up for our daily trip into town.  He'd take me to the corner store and buy me a Slush Puppy and a Lik-M-Aid.  I'd sit in the passenger seat quietly while he ran his errands.  We were best buds. 

I have to interrupt this part of the story to tell you a little bit more about Papaw.  He died when I was 8, and I just cried and cried.  He was a good man and I've only realized that more and more the older I get.

The Watson land bordered the Spur cemetery.  At one point, they needed to expand the cemetery and asked to buy some land from my great-grandfather.  He said he'd be delighted on one condition- they allow blacks to be buried in the cemetery.  Up until that point, they weren't allowed.  The very first person to be buried on that section of the cemetery was a black man that had worked with my grandfather for years at the Watson Gin.  (Oh, P.S. my maiden name is Watson)  My Mamaw and Papaw are both buried there as well.

Now, where was I? 

After our errands, Papaw would drop me back off at the house and I'd sit in the sun room playing with paper dolls or sit at Mamaw's desk sewing buttons like she taught me.  In the afternoon, Papaw would come home for a snack- Buttermilk and Ritz crackers.  I tried the buttermilk and thought it was horrible, so I just ate Ritz.  Then it was time for a nap.

In the evening came dinner and watching the black and white TV.  I loved it there, so much so that I asked if I could stay a little while longer.  My Memaw tells me now (my grandmother) that I was so well behaved, that they kept me another week, but they took my younger sister next and brought her back early because she was a pill! 

After Papaw died, Mamaw had to sell the land and the house.  I drive out there once in a while.  The owners let my family hunt out on the Watson land every year.

Time moves on and things change, that's just the way it is.  I am so blessed to have had the experiences I did and be able to remember them.  I thank my lucky stars for my dad's side of the family- they created a stability for me in those early years when everything else was so crazy.  I think it's what gave me something to strive for all of these years later.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


Some time between 1:30ish and 3:30ish yesterday, while we were playing in the park, someone decided that they'd really like to have my purse that I thought I had hidden in my back seat.

Which purse would that be?

Oh, just my beloved Brown Pebbled Leather Coach purse.  You know, the one that had my Coach wallet, my Maui Jim's, my flash drive with all of my life on it, and every little bit of money I had to my name in it?  Yep, that one.

Police were called, banks were notified, and insurance was called.  I didn't cry until I thought I had left my wedding ring in the purse as well.  That's when I lost it.  I could handle losing everything else.  I mean, it's stuff.  It doesn't mean anything other than they were all gifts from my husband.  The flash drive was hard because I lost most of my digital pictures and never will be able to replace them.  BUT the ring?  That was another story.  It had nothing to do with the monetary value.  It was about it's emotional value or whatever you call it.  My heart sank.

Before I could run home and check the only other place I remembered it being, I had to go check out the gas station where the perps had tried to fill up.  I was hoping they had tossed some of my stuff (flash drive!) or SOMETHING!  But no such luck.

By the time I got home I was pretty much convinced that my ring was going to be there, and I was right.  With my spirit renewed, I scrounged up some change and spent an hour vacuuming up glass and thinking about why this was happening.  I worried about what I was going to do.  I have no more money coming in and everything I had is now gone.  I have an open hole in my car and no way to fix it anytime soon.  I have not heard back on a single job application yet.  I thought about how much I wished my husband were here to help me or at least soothe me.  I didn't know what else to do, so I prayed.

Then I went and bought a heavy duty shower curtain and taped it over my open window in the dark.  That's when the help started pouring in.  Everyone reaching out to do whatever they could.  I was so overwhelmed by how many people cared and loved me.  I'm horrible at asking for help.  It makes me incredibly uncomfortable.  But this time, I didn't even have to ask.

My best friend called me late.  She said that she had been sitting on her couch worrying about me.  Thinking a million things when all of a sudden she got really calm.  She said she knew everything was going to be okay because I'm strong enough to do this on my own.  She said she knows that I don't know that about myself and that it's time I figured it out.  This wouldn't have happened if I weren't strong enough to handle it.  Just as she said it, I felt the confirmation.

Everytime I think it can't get any worse, it does.  And yet, I make it through.  I can do this, and when I can't- someone has stepped in and helped me.  This is all new to me people.

I'm feeling really grateful today.  My window is being fixed.  Gas and groceries are covered.  I have faith that I will find a job, and that everything is going to work out.

I think in the past I relied to heavily on my husband.  I forgot that I was strong enough to do things on my own.  I became so helpless.  I'm sure he felt so much pressure and frustration that they woman he met and fell in love with for her strength disappeared right before his eyes.

Just a thought.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

"Status" Update

Yesterday, I decided to re-add my husband as a friend on Facebook.  (Yeah, it got that juvenile at one point)

He then proceeded to update is relationship status as married to me and when I confirmed the relationship, I had no idea what I was getting myself in to.

See, I have this tendency to forget that every little thing I do on Facebook is documented for all of my "friends" to see.  I wasn't prepared for all the responses that I got and the apparent confusion it caused.  It apparently meant something far more significant that I imagined!  I thought it was just a statement of fact- I mean, I AM married to the guy, but it was taken more as a declaration of epic proportions!

I just want to take this time to officially declare the real status of my relationship.

We are separated.  We love each other.  We do not want to file for divorce.  We are taking this time to focus on our own personal issues (A first on his end).  Time will tell what happens for us, but we both want to save our marriage.  If things continue on this current path, I have every hope that we will eventually come back together and live happily ever after.  He is staying in Corpus Christi for now.  I am staying in Lubbock.  That's about it.

I hope this clears up any confusion.  OH, and I don't normally say this, but I'd appreciate it if you kept your opinions to yourself.  I've had my fill.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

These Days

I'm spending the summer babysitting my best friend's two children.  They are 6 and 7.  We do about an hour of "school work" every morning and watch iCarly until lunch time.  (I had never seen iCarly before, but these kids are OBSESSED!)  Then we try to find some way to get out of the house...  Parks, Libraries, local FREE events, or swim in the backyard pool.  Their biggest concern is how much fun they're going to have today.

Sometimes I miss being a kid.

I'm in such a strange place right now.  I know what I need to do and why, but something is holding me back.  It's fear.  I feel so tempted to just run back to everything that was familiar and easy, but I know that I can't.  Well, I could but I'm not going to.  It would defeat the whole purpose.

When I made the decision to leave, I thought it was about what my husband did.  I thought it was about our marriage, but now I know that it isn't about that at all.  This is about me.  I have forgiven him and he has shown me that he is finally taking the steps he needs to take, but it doesn't change anything because I still have work to do.

I don't need to get to a state of perfection, but I need to get to a state of stability.  I need to face my demons and deal with all of this stuff that has been following me around all of my life.  I thought I was ready when I got here, but now I'm starting to drag my feet.  It's fear.  I'm afraid.

Yesterday, I drove to the temple.  I sat outside and prayed.  I started to say that I didn't know what to do, but the spirit guided me to rephrase my statement.  I KNOW what I need to do!  I just need the strength and courage to do it!  I will continue to pray for it.

P.S.  Thank you to those of you who are still reading.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Feeling Strangely Fine

It's Friday.  Two weeks ago today, I was loading my life in a U-haul.  I was crying from pain, frustration, fear but feeling courage like I'd never known before.  Courage because somewhere in my bones, I knew what I had to do.  Courage because somewhere deep inside burned a hope that thrust me forward when all I really wanted to do was crawl in a dark corner and hide from the rest of my life.

When I set out that Saturday morning, I wondered how long it would take to not feel broken anymore.

I have the day off today.  I have a long list of to-do's.  But I started out at Barnes & Noble to use some free Wi-Fi and reconnect to the world.  The first blog I RAN to was Passionista!  (No offense to the other blogs I read, I just knew she must have posted the July Mix already and I needed a music fix)

Sure enough, it was up and I started falling in love.  (I have a long list of new downloads now!)

Here I am.  Sitting on the 2nd floor next to a big window, sipping my favorite drink, watching the rain fall, and feeling a peace that I wasn't sure I'd be able to feel again.  This is what my Heavenly Father wanted for me.  This moment.  To be able to see the beauty in the world again.  I recognize this girl.  She feels like me.

Who says you can't go home again?


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