Thursday, July 15, 2010
I'm spending the summer babysitting my best friend's two children. They are 6 and 7. We do about an hour of "school work" every morning and watch iCarly until lunch time. (I had never seen iCarly before, but these kids are OBSESSED!) Then we try to find some way to get out of the house... Parks, Libraries, local FREE events, or swim in the backyard pool. Their biggest concern is how much fun they're going to have today.
Sometimes I miss being a kid.
I'm in such a strange place right now. I know what I need to do and why, but something is holding me back. It's fear. I feel so tempted to just run back to everything that was familiar and easy, but I know that I can't. Well, I could but I'm not going to. It would defeat the whole purpose.
When I made the decision to leave, I thought it was about what my husband did. I thought it was about our marriage, but now I know that it isn't about that at all. This is about me. I have forgiven him and he has shown me that he is finally taking the steps he needs to take, but it doesn't change anything because I still have work to do.
I don't need to get to a state of perfection, but I need to get to a state of stability. I need to face my demons and deal with all of this stuff that has been following me around all of my life. I thought I was ready when I got here, but now I'm starting to drag my feet. It's fear. I'm afraid.
Yesterday, I drove to the temple. I sat outside and prayed. I started to say that I didn't know what to do, but the spirit guided me to rephrase my statement. I KNOW what I need to do! I just need the strength and courage to do it! I will continue to pray for it.
P.S. Thank you to those of you who are still reading.
Posted by brandi at 8:30 PM