Sunday, April 17, 2011

For Granted

I've started a new post here almost everyday the past two weeks, but I haven't been able to bring myself to write anything.  I didn't really have anything remotely positive to say so it's probably good that I resisted.

Here's a short list of events:
1.  Had my post-op appt.  Dr decided that we just need to go straight for In Vitro Fertilization- has the best odds of actually getting me pregnant.  IVF is expensive, so it's going to have to wait a bit.

2.  The next day my aunt (who lives just doors away from me) collapsed trying to get out of bed.  She only lives with my cousin Katy who is 23 and has Cerebral Palsy.  Michele went BACK to the ER for the 3rd time in a week.  I was sure she had a stroke, a brain tumor, something like that based on her symptoms.  After 10 nights in the hospital, she is finally home with a diagnosis of lung cancer and will be starting chemo Tuesday.

3.  A week ago, I woke up with severe pain around my belly button incision.  First trip to the Dr determined I had injured the area (probably picking my aunt up from the floor).  Second trip to the Dr determined it was definitely infected.  I have strict orders to stay in bed (as much as I can), but I'm hoping to be released to normal activity at my appointment Tuesday morning.

All of this has left me feeling like I take my health/well being for granted.  I've spent so much time focusing on the aspects of my health that needed to change, that I haven't seen just how lucky I am to have a body free of disease that can get me wherever I need to go.  My body and health isn't perfect, but I'll never take being able to roll over in bed, walk to the restroom, sit up without pain for granted again.  Beyond that, my aunt's experience has made me see just how much worse it can always be.  And even then, she could be so much worse off than she is.

So, I'm going to thank God everyday for my body/health/well-being.  I'm going to love the skin I'm in.  I'm going to accept this gift I've been given and be grateful for it.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Can't Sleep.

It's been a crazy week.  We have been in and out of the hospital with family for both scary and joyous reasons.  I've been trying to get back into some kind of routine, only to have life turned upside down daily.  And it's okay. It's part of life, but it has left me in this strange state.  Grasping at something I can keep in control.

I've been preparing for the follow-up appointment with my Dr. on Monday.  Joined some groups for individuals who are having trouble trying to conceive.  I have lots of questions and I hope to get some answers.

While at work last night, my allergies hit my like a ton of bricks.  By the time I got home and got some meds in my system, I was a mess.  I was tired, feeling horrible, and then I saw this:

And I just felt it all so heavily.  I decided this was it.  I was going to have my moment.  Get upset about how unfair it all is.  Just get it out of my system and move on.

Then this morning, I saw this:

I realized that no matter what, this pain meant that I am healing.  And healing may not mean that I am going to get exactly what I want exactly when I want it.  I felt overwhelmingly peaceful with the fact that my body may not produce children for me.

Then, I remembered my patriarchal blessing.  I will have children.  One way or another.  That's good enough for me.  In the mean time, I will continue to do those things that should be done.


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