Saturday, April 2, 2011

Can't Sleep.

It's been a crazy week.  We have been in and out of the hospital with family for both scary and joyous reasons.  I've been trying to get back into some kind of routine, only to have life turned upside down daily.  And it's okay. It's part of life, but it has left me in this strange state.  Grasping at something I can keep in control.

I've been preparing for the follow-up appointment with my Dr. on Monday.  Joined some groups for individuals who are having trouble trying to conceive.  I have lots of questions and I hope to get some answers.

While at work last night, my allergies hit my like a ton of bricks.  By the time I got home and got some meds in my system, I was a mess.  I was tired, feeling horrible, and then I saw this:

And I just felt it all so heavily.  I decided this was it.  I was going to have my moment.  Get upset about how unfair it all is.  Just get it out of my system and move on.

Then this morning, I saw this:

I realized that no matter what, this pain meant that I am healing.  And healing may not mean that I am going to get exactly what I want exactly when I want it.  I felt overwhelmingly peaceful with the fact that my body may not produce children for me.

Then, I remembered my patriarchal blessing.  I will have children.  One way or another.  That's good enough for me.  In the mean time, I will continue to do those things that should be done.

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