Thursday, October 22, 2009

Thankful Thursday

"By The Sea"
* For imperfections.

I love the fact that hand made items are back in style. With the emergence of websites like Etsy and the blog realm, it is becoming easier and easier to find quality handmade and even custom made items.

Handmade items are naturally flawed in a way that make them charming, unique, irreplaceable, and eventually more valuable. They are special.

Lets say for example a woven tapestry. If it is made by hand it is going to have many flaws. It may not be as intricate. You could purchase one made by a computer and it is going to be perfect, but it will also be boring. Safe, mundane, replaceable- unvaluable. Not special at all. It may still be aesthetically pleasing, but it won't mean anything to the owner.

If I look at my life as a tapestry, with each run a portion of my life, it will undoubtedly be affected by the incidents in my life. These incidents could create a ripple within my tapestry that takes time and hard work to over come, but they can be smoothed, however that flaw will always be a part of my fabric. That imperfection is what makes me valuable, interesting, charming, and loveable.

I have bumps, lumps, and sometimes my threads have been snipped. I will never be perfect, but my tapestry (a work in progress) is beautiful.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Gaining Ground

This scale is hilarious! So, am I a duck today or a buffalo?
I had successfully avoided weighing in two weeks in a row, but I bit the bullet last night and went to my WW meeting. I was absolutely expecting to gain weight- lots of it in fact. As I previously reported, the last three weeks have been totally off the grid. I got back on the wagon just this Sunday, but the past 3 days must have done some good because last night, when I stepped on the scale...
Are you ready for this?
I had only gained .6 lbs!!! I wish I hadn't gained at all, but it could have been MUCH worse! It only reinforces my determination. Imagine how much weight could be off by now if I had been on track!
Today is going to be tricky. We are celebrating at my office and lunch is being provided and dessert too... I'm planning to stick to my lean cuisine and have some pudding! Wish me luck! Die evil lunch, die!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Back on the Wagon!

I am just so excited that I had to go ahead and blog about it! I am officially back on the wagon. I am ready to re-commit to my weight loss/health goals. (Not that I ever gave up, just had to take a moment to focus on other aspects of my life for a bit)
I figured something out this weekend that is crucial to my success daily- I have to have breakfast! If I start out the day with a good breakfast, it is MUCH easier for me to stay on track for the rest of the day. To take it a step further, I have to have my breakfast planned the night before because I am NOT a morning person. If I don't have something planned and something easy, I won't eat.
I am sure that I gained some weight during the last 3 weeks. I am not going to worry about it. If I get too upset or put too much pressure on myself, I will just want to give up. I have to make it okay for myself to "mess up" from time to time. I will know for sure when I weigh in Tuesday.
You have all been so encouraging, and I really appreciate it! I am excited to be back on my journey and feel so hopeful for what's to come!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Whatever Cayce Wants, Cayce Gets!

I was totally imagining that song "Whatever Lola Wants" as I typed the title... lol. But seriously, thanks for calling me out Cayce- an update is WAY overdue! So, here we go!

First and foremost- things are looking up. I just want to get that out there right off the bat because eventhough my life isn't where I want it to be, I have to remember that it's so much better and I am truly blessed.

Before I delve into a relationship update, I want to give you a personal update. I started counseling about a month ago, and I am working super hard and it shows. I've had therapy in the past successfully, so it's really allowing me to get in there deep. I am finally dealing with some deeper issues and it gives me hope that I won't be stuck here forever.

What comes with doing that hard work is that it stirs up alot of emotion within me that I've had swept into the corners. The way I deal with uncomfortable emotions is by eating- so needless to say, I've been "off the wagon" for about two weeks now. I am getting back on, but I'm also allowing myself to go through this right now because I'm tired of beating myself up. I'm not gaining and I'm not binge eating.

I really have to stop right here and explain something before I move on. I worry that it may come across that I'm being self-centered right now and that I'm only concerned with myself. And maybe for now that is the case, but I've come to realize that I HAVE to put myself first. I have to be ok in order for me to care for anyone else. My grandmother used to always tell me, "Take care of yourself because no one else will." I'd like to change that last word to can. We are all trying to find someone to take care of us, but the truth is that they will always fail because we are the only ones who can care for ourselves. (stepping off the soapbox now)

So, as for the husband and I... We are making it. I am flying in less than two weeks to visit him for about 5 days for our 3rd Anniversary. I am excited, nervous, scared, and about a million other things. I haven't seen him in about 3 months and I feel like there is a lot riding on this visit. That is too much pressure, so I'm just trying to focus on each day as it comes and be purposeful about the goals I want to achieve. Plus, it is going to be COLD up there... Like 0 degrees... lol

Then he will turn around and be here for about 5 days for Thanksgiving. It's hard to tell right now, but it's looking like we will be apart for Christmas. I am not happy about it, but I am just praying that something else comes along. The jobs are few and far between these days folks. For me, no amount of money is worth all of this loneliness and pain, but he doesn't feel the same way.

I don't know where this road is leading, and only time will tell. But I am devoted to myself and to my marriage. I will do whatever it takes. This is a defining moment for me. I can feel it with every fiber of my being. Life will never be the same from this point forward, and that's a good thing.

P.S. I know this is random, but as much as I love the Fall, I have to wonder how I ended up living somewhere that only has two seasons: hot and hotter... What's with the 112 heat indexes this week? Sheesh!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


Today is Riley's funeral. He was only 19 months old last week when he died of blunt force trauma to his abdomen. He would have just been another faceless victim to me (for which I would still have mourned), but my sister photographed him months ago for his first birthday. I had admired his smile, the sparkle in his eyes, his cute little teeth. I was devastated to learn of his death, especially knowing that his own mother was arrested in connection with his death. It is heartbreaking, madening, and confusing.

Dear God,

I just can't understand.

Why does this happen? How could ANYONE hurt a child? Why are there so many blessed with children who can't even take care of them- when there are so many who could and can't have them.

I know there is a reason for everything. But I can't honestly fathom it.


Thursday, October 8, 2009

Come Home

This is what I need to say today, and this song says it perfectly. Just putting it out there to the world and maybe, just maybe. Providing the video so you can hear the song and the words so you can get the message.

Come Home by One Republic

Hello world, hope you're listening
Forgive me if I'm young, speaking out of turn
There's someone I've been missing
I think that they could be, the better half of me
They're in the wrong place trying to make it right
And I'm tired of justifying,
So I say to you-

Come home, come home
Cause I've been waiting for you
For so long, for so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities,
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I've ever known,
So come home.

I get lost in the beauty of everything I see
The world ain't half as bad as they paint it to be
If all the sons and all the daughters stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now.... Yeah
Or maybe I'm just dreamin' out loud
But until then-

Come home, come home
Cause I've been waiting for you
For so long, for so long
Right now there's a war between the vanities
but all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I've ever known
So come home

Everything I can't be
Is everything you should be
And that's why I need you here
Everything I can't be
Is everything you should be
And that's why I need you here
So hear me now-

Come home, come home
Cause I've been waiting for you
For so long, for so long
Right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I've ever known
Even known
So come home
Come home

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Losing for Winning

I've been sharing my weight loss successes (and sometimes failures) online for quite a while now. It has been an amazing experience over the years. I have shared my victories and struggles, and I have had so much support from so many. This week, when I reported my weight loss through my Facebook status, I was asked by an old friend how I was managing to do it. I told him that I was doing Weight Watchers, but that I was just eating the stuff we know is healthy (whole grains, lean meats, veggies, fruits, etc.) and staying away from the stuff we know is unhealthy. He then remarked that it sounded so simple. He had always thought losing weight was tough to do. And I wasn't sure what to say about that.

On the one hand, it is simple. Just eat what is good for you, in an appropriate portion and exercise. It really is just that simple.

On the other hand, it is so complicated and emotional and hard. There are so many aspects of ourselves and our lives that are wrapped up in what we eat. Eventhough food is meant to just nourish our bodies and give them the fuel they need, it means so much more to us emotionally. That's the hard part to deal with.

I think first and foremost, I have to say that my own personal weight loss is not driven by a desire to be "skinny." At one point in time, that was something I was deeply concerned with, but just isn't important anymore. I am being driven by a desire to be healthy- emotionally and physically. Eventhough I have not yet faced any serious physical issues related to being obese, I have had enough to know that I don't want to continue down this road. I want to be able to run around the yard with little ones. I want to be able to bend over without feeling like I'm going to pass out. I want energy. Those are the goals that motivate me now, and it has made all the difference in the world.

Basically I've decided to start sharing the details of this journey with you. I will blog once a week about my progress and let you in on what's working for me.

I am by no means a professional and what's working for me may or may not have any relevance to you, but I've come a long way and if my story can help someone else make this journey- it will all be worth it!

So, here are my current stats:

Current weight: 305.6 lbs.
Current weight loss: -13 pounds in 3 weeks

Please check out these links to past blogs about my weight loss/weight issues:

I am satisfied today, not because I had a Snickers, and not because I didn't have a Snickers. I am satisfied because what I am eating is nourishing me. I am not hungry. I am not in pain. I am not feeling guilty and ashamed. Instead I feel energy, I feel comfortable, I feel satisfied.

Thankful Thursday

I know that I've already shared this on Facebook yesterday, and Brandy shared it on her blog today, but I love this video and I feel that it's message is so profound and so simple. I hope that you will be blessed by it's message today.

* For today

* For me. Yes, me. I have something to contribute to this world. I am worthy of my own admiration and affection. I'm not there yet, but I'll fake it til I make it.

* For you. Yes, you. You have something to contribute to this world. You are worthy of your own admiration and affection. You may or may not be there yet, but I pray you find your way.

* For awareness/consciousness/intent- I prefer to live in my dream world, but I'm finding happiness in trying these on for size.

* For finding a good fit. Grandma Moses was probably a wonderful therapist, but she just wasn't what I needed. "Wow, you have ALOT of history!" lol

* For nourishment- in so many areas of my life.

* For satisfaction. You aren't going to believe me when I tell you that I am satisfied while dieting. I am. It really is possible.

* For Wednesday night dinners with family. If you only knew how much I am getting out of spending time with you, you'd understand why I won't accept your money.

* For friends. I am so glad that I've reconnected with you. You make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me think, and you make me feel ok. I really am so blessed.

* For music. It truly speaks directly to my soul. Any genre, any form, any voice...

* For unconditional love. I don't deserve it and yet it is given to me. I can/must give it away as well.

* For hope. You're like that spot of sun peeking through the clouds, so bright that I can't ignore your presence, can't deny your warmth- and though you are so small and the clouds are so great- you fill the dark sky with light.


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