Friday, October 16, 2009
Whatever Cayce Wants, Cayce Gets!
I was totally imagining that song "Whatever Lola Wants" as I typed the title... lol. But seriously, thanks for calling me out Cayce- an update is WAY overdue! So, here we go!
First and foremost- things are looking up. I just want to get that out there right off the bat because eventhough my life isn't where I want it to be, I have to remember that it's so much better and I am truly blessed.
Before I delve into a relationship update, I want to give you a personal update. I started counseling about a month ago, and I am working super hard and it shows. I've had therapy in the past successfully, so it's really allowing me to get in there deep. I am finally dealing with some deeper issues and it gives me hope that I won't be stuck here forever.
What comes with doing that hard work is that it stirs up alot of emotion within me that I've had swept into the corners. The way I deal with uncomfortable emotions is by eating- so needless to say, I've been "off the wagon" for about two weeks now. I am getting back on, but I'm also allowing myself to go through this right now because I'm tired of beating myself up. I'm not gaining and I'm not binge eating.
I really have to stop right here and explain something before I move on. I worry that it may come across that I'm being self-centered right now and that I'm only concerned with myself. And maybe for now that is the case, but I've come to realize that I HAVE to put myself first. I have to be ok in order for me to care for anyone else. My grandmother used to always tell me, "Take care of yourself because no one else will." I'd like to change that last word to can. We are all trying to find someone to take care of us, but the truth is that they will always fail because we are the only ones who can care for ourselves. (stepping off the soapbox now)
So, as for the husband and I... We are making it. I am flying in less than two weeks to visit him for about 5 days for our 3rd Anniversary. I am excited, nervous, scared, and about a million other things. I haven't seen him in about 3 months and I feel like there is a lot riding on this visit. That is too much pressure, so I'm just trying to focus on each day as it comes and be purposeful about the goals I want to achieve. Plus, it is going to be COLD up there... Like 0 degrees... lol
Then he will turn around and be here for about 5 days for Thanksgiving. It's hard to tell right now, but it's looking like we will be apart for Christmas. I am not happy about it, but I am just praying that something else comes along. The jobs are few and far between these days folks. For me, no amount of money is worth all of this loneliness and pain, but he doesn't feel the same way.
I don't know where this road is leading, and only time will tell. But I am devoted to myself and to my marriage. I will do whatever it takes. This is a defining moment for me. I can feel it with every fiber of my being. Life will never be the same from this point forward, and that's a good thing.
P.S. I know this is random, but as much as I love the Fall, I have to wonder how I ended up living somewhere that only has two seasons: hot and hotter... What's with the 112 heat indexes this week? Sheesh!
Posted by brandi at 6:30 AM