Sunday, May 1, 2011
Almost a year ago, something within me snapped. I can't believe it's taken me this long to process and understand it, and maybe I still don't really. Maybe I never will fully understand.
I had been experiencing one of the greatest spiritual moments of my life when I started detecting trouble. I felt a shift in my home. Knew my husband was pulling away from me. He wouldn't pray or read the scriptures with me. He wouldn't share his testimony with me. I felt prompted to action. I had the missionaries over to talk about it, but was only criticized for being a hard person to be married to.
I questioned my instincts and decided to leave it alone. To just accept and wait, but I couldn't help feeling that something was wrong. Within months, I was made aware that I had a reason to worry. That my instincts had been correct, that something was indeed very wrong.
And something happened inside of me. Everything I thought I knew, thought I believed, somehow dissolved. I felt like I had been duped by the spiritual leader of my family. That he was pretending to believe something while he acted out something very different away from church. It made me question everything. But most of all, I felt completely abandoned. I felt like the church was more interested in helping and protecting him than it was me.
In the months that we were apart, repairing ourselves- I didn't try to make myself believe anything. I tried to let it all sort itself out within me. Tried to remove my beliefs from the conviction of others- of my husbands. I wanted to make sure my testimony was mine all mine. And slowly, bit by bit, I was able to form a new testimony.
But I still felt hurt. Still do. I know I shouldn't, but I haven't figured out how to make sense of it all.
I love my husband and we have worked hard to repair the broken parts of our marriage. We have emerged stronger. I have managed to forgive him and have done my part to make this right. This isn't an attempt to dredge up old hurt feelings about him. I just need to get this stuff out. I can never talk to anyone about these things.
What I want is to feel that connection I had a year ago. I want it more than anything, but I wonder if I will ever find it again.
Posted by brandi at 10:46 PM