Day 26- Love is responsible

When you judge another, you condemn yourself, since you, the judge, do the same things. --Romans 2:1 HCSB

Today's Dare-

Take time to pray through your areas of wrongdoing. Ask for God's forgiveness, then humble yourself enough to admit them to your spouse. Do it sincerely and truthfully. Ask your spouse for forgiveness as well. No matter how they respond, make sure you cover your responsibility in love. Even if they respond with criticism, accept it by receiving it as counsel.

What does your mate need to see in order to believe that your confession was more than just words.

The very first words of this chapter go something like this: Today will be hard. But as you seek God's strength and wisdom, you will be able to get through it. This day could be a milestone in your marriage if you allow it to be. Boy, they weren't kidding.

I knew that this day was coming. I looked ahead the very first week of the dare and saw that it was a matter of time before I would get to this day. I have probably been dragging my heels a bit to avoid it, but at the same time I knew that it was necessary.

I made a list of my wrong doings and prayed about them asking God for forgiveness. I asked Him for His strength and grace to make it through. I felt like I was ready to face my greatest fears and admit my wrongdoings.

I told Havie that I wanted to be completely honest with him by admitting what I've done wrong and correct my errors up front. I told him that I haven't been taking responsibility for myself. That I've been selfish and unfair. I've resented him, lied to him, and judged him harshly. I have hurt him emotionally and physically. I have tried to control certain aspects of our life. I have been lazy. I could go on, but you get the picture.

Finally, I had to admit something that I am very ashamed of. Back in January, at the height of our problems at home and work. I reached out to someone from my past. An ex-boyfriend. The one and only ex-boyfriend that I knew would be the last person he would want me talking to. I was in communication with him over the course of several weeks through e-mail, text, and a couple of phone calls. It never went anything past that. It wasn't that I was trying to rekindle a relationship with this person, but I needed some kind of confirmation. And I got it. If it weren't for that time, we wouldn't be where we are right now.

It was a wake up call for me. I realized just how bad things were. That person encouraged me to save my marriage at any cost because he hadn't done that in his marriage. I realized that I loved my husband and wanted to save my marriage. It made me realize that I had to make a drastic change which led to the career change and then the love dare.

It is going to take time, but he is not nearly as angry with me and I expected him to be. I have been honest and loving about answering his questions. He told me that he can see the difference between January and now and that's why he believes me. I am going to have to continue to be intentional everyday about repairing my wrongdoings and keeping them from happening again.

Day 25- Love forgives

What I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, I did it for your sakes in the presence of Christ. --2 Corinthians 2:10

Today's Dare-

Whatever you haven't forgiven in your mate, forgive it today. Let it go. Just as we ask Jesus to "forgive us our debts" each day, we must ask Him to help us "forgive our debtors" each day as well. Unforgiveness has been keeping you and your spouse in prison too long. Say from your heart, "I choose to forgive."

What did you forgive your spouse for today? How long have you been carrying the weight of it? What are the possibilities now that you've released this matter to God?

In an effort to keep from shaming my husband, I am not going to share exactly what I have forgiven my spouse for today. But I will tell you that there was one or two major things and then mostly it was little stuff that I have let build up and fester for too long. It was easy for me to forgive them and give them over to God now.

I've been carrying the weight of this since about the time we got married. My heart is open and ready. Now I just need to see if he can forgive me.

**P.S. I also posted Day 24 this morning, so make sure you check it out below!!!

Day 24- Love vs. Lust

The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever. --1 John 2:17

Today's Dare-

End it now. Identify every object of lust in your life and remove it. Single out every lie you've swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it. Lust cannot be allowed to live in a back bedroom. It must be killed and destroyed -- today -- and replaced with the sure promises of God and a heart filled with His perfect love.

What did you identify as an area of lust? What has this pursuit cost you over time? How has it led you away from the person you want to be? Write about your new commitment to seek Him-- and seek your spouse-- rather than seeking after foolish desires.

I am trying to play catch up this morning. I was going to post this blog Saturday, but you know how it goes. I had jury duty for the first time yesterday, so I am really behind now!

My first reaction to this chapter was that I wasn't lusting after anyone anymore, but once I read it, I realized that I was lusting over things. I have not been content, and have been constantly seeking the next thing to make me happy. I have lied and tried to meet my needs in illegitimate ways. The book say that lust is really a misguided thirst for satisfaction that only God can fulfill. I absolutely believe it because I've never been able to find relief on my own.

I would say that I lust over stuff, food, etc. The pursuit has cost me sanity, health, lots of money, opportunities, and true happiness. It has hurt my marriage. I've felt so lost not knowing what I wanted and always searching trying to fill the void.

There is a new commitment for me to seek Him. It feels very foreign to me because I am not used to this new way of life, but I am trying to act as if until it eventually because comfortable. I finally followed through with praying this morning. I've been praying at night off and on, but this was the first morning I remembered to stop and pray. It is going to take time, but mostly it is going to take effort. It is worth it.

Day 23- Love always protects

[Love] always protects. --1 Corinthians 13:7 NIV

Today's Dare-

Remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that's stealing your affections and turning your heart away from your spouse.

What did you throw out first? Are there others that need to go as well? What do you hope the removal of these things will do for you, your marriage, and your relationship with God?

The chapter says that our relationship is truly like a battlefield in that we have to constantly protect it from attackers. The attackers are broken down like this:

Harmful influences- internet, television, work... it all boils down to time and connection.

Unhealthy relationships- basically other people who draw you emotionally away from the marriage.

Shame- you have to protect your partners vulnerability by never speaking negatively about them in public.

Parasites- addictions like gambling, drugs, or pornography

Today was a pretty easy day for me because I've already removed our biggest threats. The biggest one was my job. It took everything I had to give, so there was nothing left for my family. It's not the only harmful influence that I have removed. I'm not going to talk about all of them because, well I'm saving it for another day coming very soon- Day 26 to be exact.

I know that more of these attackers will become apparent as time goes by, so I'm going to be praying that I will recognize them and have the strength to fight them off.

Day 22- Love is faithful

I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord. --Hosea 2:20

Today's Dare-

Love is a choice, not a feeling. It is an initiated action, not a knee-jerk reaction. Choose today to be committed to love even if your spouse has lost most of their interest in receiving it. Say to them today in words similar to these, "I love you. Period. I choose to love you even if you don't love me in return."

Why is this kind of love impossible without the love of Christ beating in your heart? How does His presence within you enable you to love, even when it's primarily one-sided?

I've been trying to get around to blogging all day, but it's been a busy one! I like those days, when I don't have a minute to spare, call me crazy!

I wish I had taken a picture of Havie's face when I told him that I loved him even if he doesn't love me in return. He looked confused which quickly gave way to frustration. He thought I was trying to say that I don't think he loves me... (which IS something I've told him before). I had to go on to explain that I just mean that my love isn't contingent on him loving me back. That I love him unconditionally. He still looked at me like "why are you telling me this now?", but he dropped his defenses.

This kind of love has been impossible without Christ in my heart because every time I felt like he "didn't love me", I would then resent him. Any little thing that bothered me added to that resentment. I got to the point that I was so resentful, I felt more like I hated him than loved him. Wow, that is so sad. That was only a few months ago, but it's feel like a lifetime ago.

It's just so different now. I am NOT going to act like everything is perfect and he absolutely says and does things that bother me. Not as much and the main difference is the way that I react. I have just relaxed so much because I'm not so worried about protecting myself. There's a real peace now. We are blessed beyond measure because of His love.

P.S. I know you don't want to know this, but I just have to share... The love life has returned (you know what I mean, *wink*) and I just feel like busting out into song and dance! :)

Day 21- Love is satisfied in God

The Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire. --Isaiah 58:11

Today's Dare-

Be intentional today about making a time to pray and read your Bible. Try reading a chapter out of Proverbs each day (there are thirty-one-- a full month's supply), or reading a chapter in the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John). As you do, immerse yourself in the love and promises God has for you. This will add to your growth as you walk with Him.

How do you think spending time daily with God will change your situation and perspective? How can you make Him a bigger part of your day?

The very last sentences of this chapter are: God is your everyday supply. Of everything you need.

I always feel amazed when I read or hear something at exactly the time I need that information. Just when I started to doubt myself and my progress, I realize that I am exactly where I should be.

Let me back up a bit. Those of you that have been reading this blog regularly (Thank you for that, by the way) know that I've hit some bumps in the road during this journey which is exactly what I had to face on day 19. Which set me up for the message on Day 20. Day 20 pretty much blew my mind. I tried to move on to Day 21 last Friday without even reading the chapter. I just read the dare and thought- oh, I can do that today. All of a sudden, something said "stop!" It hit me that I needed to process what was going on and face this revelation I had experienced.

I re-read days 19 and 20, and finally read day 21. It's funny because I blogged about the topic of this chapter on day 20. The chapter stated- It's time to stop expecting somebody or something to keep you functioning and fulfilled on a non-stop basis. Only God can do that as you learn to depend on Him. That's why you need to seek Him every day.

Daily prayer and reading of the bible is absolutely foreign to me, but I am going to make it a priority. I am reading a chapter from Proverbs everyday and along with my 2pm prayer for my husband- I am going to make it a point to pray every morning and evening. One of my fighting rules for myself was to not bring up an issue with my husband until I had a chance to think it through. I am changing that to until I have prayed about it.

My pastor says that God gave us free will and He will not enter into any part of our lives any further than we ask Him to come. I've already received many blessings, I can only imagine what will happen as I give my life to Him, the One who created me.

***P.S. For those of you who are reading this blog and completing the dares, I would highly recommend you get the book. The chapters are very short (2-3 pgs.), but they have a message too valuable. Just a suggestion!

Taking some time

Days 19 - 21 are major and I am feeling like I've rushed through them without feeling their impact. I am going to take some time to slow down and really focus on their dares and messages before I move on.

We had a rough weekend. We were busy and stressed out. We actually did a pretty good job of sticking to our "fighting rules". We just had to have a pretty serious discussion about one particular issue and I'm not sure that we really got any closure. I didn't pray all weekend and in fact, we didn't even go to church on Sunday. That was the exact opposite of what I should have done.

Everything is okay and we're moving forward. I just want to stay true to this process and really experience it fully- not just run through the motions.

I will be back soon!

Day 20- Love is Jesus Christ

While we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. -- Romans 5:6

Today's Dare-

Dare to take God at His Word. Dare to trust Jesus Christ for salvation. Dare to pray, "Lord Jesus, I'm a sinner. But You have shown Your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and You have proven Your power to save me from death by Your resurrection. Lord, change my heart, and save me by Your grace."

Write about what this experience has been like for you. Even if you are only renewing your commitment to receive and express His love, what has He shown you today?

I guess that if I had looked ahead, I would have written most of what I wrote yesterday, today. I think you all know what this experience has been like for me. At the risk of sounding hokey, it has been life changing. I wish that I could tell you just what has happened, but it is so altering, I am not sure how to put it into words... not typical for me!

I asked Jesus into my heart when I was about 8 years old. I knew exactly what I was doing at that time, and I have never questioned that decision. I have never been as committed to Him as I am now. God has shown me today that this dare isn't about my husband. It is about me. If I receive His love, I can then share the same love with my husband.

I can tell you that it has happened without me trying. I have received His love and I am sharing it with my husband. It feels so different, that I have a hard time remembering the way I felt a few months ago when I was sure that our marriage had failed. I was so weak, trying to control everything on my own.

I don't expect that it will all be perfect from here. I imagine that there will be times that I will need to remember to receive God's love. I am an imperfect human being and I always will be. I have taken a sneak peek at some of the upcoming dares and they are going to be extremely difficult, but I will pray for His guidance and love.

Day 19- Love is impossible

Let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. -- 1 John 4:7

Today's Dare-

Look back over the dares from previous days. Were there some that seemed impossible to you? Have you realized your need for God to change your heart and to give you the ability to love? Ask Him to show you where you stand with Him, and ask for the strength and grace to settle your eternal destination.

What do you believe God is saying to you? Is there a stirring in your heart? What decision have you made in response to this?

It was easy for me to figure out the day that I thought was impossible- I even blogged about needing help. Day 15- Love is Honorable. I didn't think that I could just give my husband honor and respect when I wasn't getting it in return. I thought it would be impossible for me to treat him with honor all day every day- and I was right. I had to ask God for help to be able to move on and as soon as I did, it was all very clear.

So much of this relationship with God is very new to me. He has been in my heart since I was a child, but I spent many years very confused and hurt. I didn't understand why and how things were happening to me, and I blamed Him. Slowly, but surely He has worked within me and my heart has opened to all in the world that is good and right. I can't describe what has transpired, but I feel so changed inside that sometimes I stare at myself in the mirror expecting to see a different person there. And to tell the truth, I do. In the darkest days, when suicide was a viable option to me, I looked very different to me. That was eight years ago, but it's taken me this long to truly understand God's love.

This is what I've been longing and looking for my entire life. I thought another human could and should love me unconditionally- always wondering what was wrong with me. Always holding my loved ones to these standards that they could not reach. Expecting them to essentially be God. I wish I had known then what I know now.

I am going to continue to ask God to build His love into our marriage. I am going to allow myself to receive and recognize His love. I am going to count my blessings because they are numerous.

Day 18- Love seeks to understand

How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding. --Proverbs 3:13

Today's Dare-

Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you've rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate.

What did you learn about your spouse that you didn't know before? How could you continue this process of discovery in other ways, at other times? What were some of the moments that made this evening memorable?

I originally planned to complete this dare on Sunday. I made a nice meal, but we ended up with company. We weren't able to have our conversation. I wasn't exactly sure what to talk about, but I was just going to ask random questions. Monday rolled around and Havie had plans. So I finally got to complete the dare last night. God sure works in mysterious ways because a topic for our conversation was provided Monday.

Havie is in a line of work that pays very well, especially considering that you don't need college or anything beyond high school. He started out at the bottom right out of high school and has worked his way up ever since. He has a great reputation (I know because I've talked to people he works with) as a hard worker. The downside is that it is very physically demanding and dangerous. Additionally, these companies treat their employees like dog poo. Right now, he is stuck with this company because of the economy. There is very little work out there, so he's lucky to have a job. He is just fed up and ready to move on.

We've talked extensively about his options, but he's always hesitated to make any changes. So that's what our conversation was about. What does he really want to do and what is holding him back. One thing that surprised me is that he's holding back because he thinks the transition will be too hard on me. I wouldn't say that I learned anything new, but maybe relearned something.

To be honest- seeking to understand is what I am about. That's all I do. I think it's just part of my personality. I am constantly trying to understand. There's not much that I don't know about my husband because I've already asked so many questions. When I think of something else or he tells me something that I didn't know, I have to ask a million questions until I'm satisfied. I don't see that changing, I will always seek to understand.

What made last night so memorable was the way it felt. For the first time, I felt like we were on the same team. Working together to solve this problem. There was no defensiveness. We were just focused on these questions that needed to be answered. It felt great.

Update

I didn't get to complete day 18 yesterday, so I thought I'd take a minute to update!

I got a great idea from www.40daylovedare.com. They have a section of the message board call the 2 degree difference. They give you ideas on how to make a small changes for each love dare.

Day 16 was Love Intercedes, and the site suggested that you set an alarm for the same time everyday to remind you to pray for your mate. That way, when that alarm goes off everyday at that time, you will remember to stop and pray for them. I started that yesterday and I thought it was great. At 2pm everyday (or soon after if I'm in the middle of something) I will stop and pray. I did it right at my desk yesterday and no one even noticed.

Stay tuned for Day 18, because it's going to be a good one! I promise it will be completed today!

Thanks for reading!

Day 17- Love promotes intimacy

He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. -- Proverbs 17:9 NIV

Today's Dare:

Determine to guard your mate's secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and to pray for them. Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you. Make them feel safe.

How much of an effort is it for you to hold back from saying something, critical or otherwise? What have you learned about your spouse today, simply from listening?

This chapter and dare was striking for me. It was an easy dare to complete, but another one of those life changing things. This book/experience continues to amaze me. These sentences said it all for me "You mate should not feel pressured to be perfect in order to receive your approval. They should not walk on eggshells in the very place where they ought to feel the most comfortable in their bare feet." Wow...

I actually completed this dare on Saturday, but didn't have time yesterday to blog. I had to push back day 18 because of the holiday too. Anyway, Havie and I went to the movies Saturday night. On the way home I struck up a conversation with him. Stealing a line from the book, I asked him, "Do you feel safe with me, or scared?" Of course, he wanted more information from me. I went on to ask that when it comes to things he has told me, does he feel safe or scared? He said that when we were dating, he was scared to tell me things because I was always breaking up with him. He didn't want to tell me something that might be negative. He said that now he can tell me things and he knows that he's safe. I wasn't expecting that response, so I pushed a little further. I asked him if he feels like I use things against him. He said no. I was thinking (screaming) to myself "Then why do you never tall me anything!?!" BUT I refrained.

The truth is that while I don't use his secrets as ammo, I am very guilty of being critical and expecting him to be perfect. I have a very hard time holding back from saying what I want to say with him. I tell myself it's because I want total honesty, but it's not healthy. It is something that I've been working on this entire process, but I am still struggling. I am making progress, but it's taking longer than I would like.

What I've learned about Havie by listening is that he gives me more credit than I deserve. He and I are more alike that I'd like to admit at times. What bothers him about me are the same things that bother me about him. He has a lot of pain and self-esteem issues, just like me. We could be healing each other and instead- we have continued to hurt one another.

Day 16- Love intercedes

Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers. --3 John 2

Today's Dare

Begin praying today for your spouse's heart. Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage.

Have you experienced the power of prayer in the past? What did you choose to pray about? Was it easy for you, or did it feel foreign to you?

The first sentence of this chapter is- You cannot change your spouse. As much as you may want to, you cannot play God and reach into their heart and mold them into what you want them to be. You can, however, be a "wise farmer". A wise farmer plant a seed into fertile soil, gives it water and nutrients, protects it from weeds, and then turns it over to God.

The chapter talks a lot about the power for prayer. I have experienced the power of prayer in the past. I worked at a YMCA summer camp back in 2000. I was going through a time of confusion, but I was surrounded by beauty and amazing people. I started talking to God all day. It was the first time that prayer felt right to me. It was a real spiritual breakthrough for me. It ws the first time I felt like I had a relationship with God. It confirmed my questions about the existence of God.

I've recently had another prayer breakthrough. Through this Love Dare process, my love of God has grown and deepened. I used to believe that I didn't need to be formal about prayer because God just wanted me to talk to him and that I was always talking to him. And I still believe that is true, but because I have this deeper reverence now, I WANT to show my respect and honor by choosing to get on my knees and pray. Not because God won't hear me otherwise. I hope that I'm making sense.

I chose to pray first that Havie's relationship with God grow. I have seen it grow from almost non-existent and I know think that relationship is exactly what he needs.

I also prayed that Havie would find forgiveness in his heart. Not only for me, but for all of those people who have hurt him, and for himself. He has made some progress in this area already. He is still hurting.

Finally, I prayed that God help Havie melt the defensiveness. He feels like the world is out to get him and he's always looking for criticism for anyone and everyone. I want him to be secure enough to see that even if somone criticizes him, he will be okay.

The prayer felt foreign because I am embarrased to admit that I am not used to praying for Havie. I pray for our relationship, but somehow I am have managed to not pray for the most important person in my life. All of that is changing now.

Day 15- Love is Honorable

Live with your wives in an understanding way... and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life. --1 Peter 3:7

Today's Dare

Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door for her. It might be putting his clothes away for him. It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication. Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes.

How did you choose to show honor? What was the result? What are some other ways you could demonstrate honor in the coming days?

A good friend reminded me that this is just as much about me and the condition of my heart and my determination as it is about the relationship. It was much needed- thank you Brandy.

I chose to show honor in the way speak in my communication. We had a rough evening last night. I was upset because I thought that he was very disrespectful to one of my friends. I tried to handle it well, but I didn't follow my own rule to wait until I had thought it through before I talked to him about it. In any case, the conversation diverted and I had an opportunity to address something with him.

Havie likes to make jokes at his own expense. I've asked him not to do it out of annoyance. I've never really given him a reason other than I think it's crude. I've even gone as far as to flat out beg him to never do it again. He has continued regardless. I told him last night that the reason I ask him to not make those jokes is because I hate to hear him talk about himself in that manner. He is a good person, a honorable man, and he just tears himself down. It hurts me to hear him talk about himself that way.

I told him that I know he thinks it's funny and he's just trying to lighten the mood, but I worry about what it does to his self-esteem. I told him that it's easy for me to see his good qualities.

For the first time, he seemed to listen to what I was saying and understand.

Another way that I plan to honor him is by taking better care of myself. Eventhough it is more about my own self-worth than anything else, I want him to know that I honor him enough to want to be someone that he can be proud of and worthy of honor.

Reaching out...

I have a friend who is going through some health issues right now that are seriously impacting her life. She's the type that has it together and takes care of business, so she doesn't really like to ask for help. I've been casually offering assistance, not wanting to offend her, but she has not been biting. Last night I was thinking, why won't she just ask for my help- especially when I've been offering it?

And then it hit me...

I am needing help and have been unwilling to ask for it. I am going through a tough time right now, and they are people out there who can help- who want to help.

So, I am going to be humble and ask God and you for some assistance. As you know, things have kind of stalled out here with The Love Dare. It's not because I've given up or don't care about it anymore. It is just getting very difficult for me. Which is the whole point I think.

Day 15 is Love is Honorable. The book basically states that we should see our mates as "holy". Respect them in the highest regard. It's not that I have a problem with respecting him, but I don't believe that it will be returned. Which is selfish and the chapter even addresses that issue. It says love honors even when it's rejected. I'm having a hard time getting my heart in the right place.

To be honest, I think I've really slipped off the work I've done for weeks now. I don't know how to get back on track. I've broken some of the fighting rules, I've been negative, and I have been selfish.

So, I am irrevocably human and make mistakes. I need your help to get back on track. Any advice, ideas, ANYTHING. Thanks!

Day 14- Love takes delight

Enjoy life with the wife you love all the days of your fleeting life. --Ecclesiates 9:9 HCSB

Today's Dare:

Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on. Just be together.

What did you decide to give up? What did you do together? How did it go? What new thing did you learn (or relearn) about your spouse?

I gave up my Saturday or lounging and being lazy (as has been the norm lately) to spend the day working on various needs around the house with Havie. We got up early and did laundry, cleaned out the fridge and pantry, etc. I used my e-mealz.com weekly meal plan to make a comprehensive shopping list and we headed our to do our grocery shopping. This in itself was out of the ordinary because we usually try to shop alone. One of us will go without the other because we think it's more efficient.

On the way to Wal-Mart, I surprised Havie by suggesting that we go to Burlington and do some shopping for him. He has one pair of dress slacks and only 3 dress shirts that he's been wearing to church every week. We have a clothing budget as a part of our envelope system, so I thought we could get him some more pants a few shirts. (I just love Burlington, especially for Men's clothes!) Havie would never have suggested that we go, and I know he loved wearing his new stuff today!

We got our shopping done (and stayed within our budget!) without a hitch. We worked really well together and got along. When we got home, we spent the extra time to wash our fruits and veggies, put them in green bags, separate our meats, etc. It will save us time and effort later and help keep our stuff from rotting (happens more than I care to admit!)

I was exhausted when I hit the pillow, but felt great to have really accomplished something and to have done it all with Havie. I realized that he likes it when I am proactive and have a plan, but am still flexible and respect his input and opinion. It takes a little more effort on my part to be prepared, but it pays off in the end.

And on a personal note, I am done wallowing in whatever I was experiencing recently- just no energy and feeling sorry for myself. I'm moving forward!