On the Road Again

Why, Willie, Why?

I'm headed out today for a much needed vacay!  Headed to Houston to see 3 of my 4 sisters!  Yippee!  I'm going to have a blast and try to stay on plan while I'm at it!  Wish me luck!

Don't worry chickadees!  I'll be back soon!  Thanks to the long holiday weekend, I will not be weighing in at my meeting until Tuesday night.

I hope you all have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend, and safe travels!

Upgrades

No, not that kind of upgrade!

I'm talking about my blog folks!  After writing on the world wide web for several years, it looks like I finally have a viable audience!  I say it's all thanks to HYC!  It brought so many new readers to my blog, AND introduced me to so many fabulous blogs I had NO clue about. 

My follower count has gone from 1 follower (You Rock Amber) to nearly 20 in just about a week!  And sitemeter shows that there are many more visitors than followers!  Not that I do this all for the glory, but it's kinda cool knowing that people are actually reading my ramblings.

In any case, I'm taking this blog much more seriously now.  I now have my own Facebook page!  (You should come be a fan!)  And I'm going to be working on a face lift over the weekend and I'll be coming up with a game plan for posting!  Wow, I feel like such a grown-up blogger now.

You should go check out the 100 in 365 tab.  I put some picturas up in there for your viewing pleasure!  (P.S. I live in South Texas, so it's okay for me to throw in some espanol... We call it Tex-Mex)  I plan to update pictures and measurements once a month!

If you have any suggestions as to what you'd like to see me do with my blog (i.e. content, posts, etc.), I'd love to hear them!

Eediot

I'm about to go all "Ren" on ya...

By the way...  Why in the world did I watch Ren and Stimpy as a kid?  Why did my parents let me?  Hmm, that's a whole different ball of wax for a different day.

Now on to the matter at hand.  I, my friends, am a bonafide EEDIOT! 

How could this possibly be?  Oh, it's possible compadres.  Let me prove it to you!  Last night I got home from work and was completely exhausted only to find that the meat never got defrosted for dinner.  Being the lazy person that I am, I asked my husband if we could just get something to eat and he agreed.  He then proceeded to pick a Chinese buffet, and I said...  wait for it... YES.  Oh  no, that's not all.

On our way there, I'm telling him all about a situation going on with a friend involving her brother and a drinking/drug problem.  I was explaining that he ended up relapsing while hanging out with a family member who was drinking.  My husband felt that it was primarily the drinking family member's fault because they should have known that it would be hard for that person who is recently sober.  While I can appreciate that sentiment, there is something to be said for that person having a choice and being accountable for themselves.  (Having dealt with addiction in my family closely, I can see both sides of the coin.)  My husband's final word was that while he understood that this alcoholic had a choice, his family should also realize that it is going to be VERY hard for him to stay sober if they are exposing him to enticement especially since he was still so newly sober.

So, we get to the buffet and I abandon any self-control that I may have previously possessed.  I pile my plate high with all of my faves...  throwing on a bunch of mushrooms, green beans, and broccoli for good measure.  Never mind the fact that they're all covered in sugary sauces.  UGH.  I get back to the table and it hits me.  In this situation, I am the alcoholic and my husband is the family member enticing me.  Except, I really can't be upset with him.  All I had to say was no.  All I had to do was suggest another place to eat.  All I had to do was put that plate aside and go back to the salad bar and get some fruit and maybe some sushi.  But did I?

No way!

I ate that whole plate and then some- knowing all along exactly what I was doing!  What is up with that?  And when my husband showed up later in the evening with a "treat" for me, I ate that too!  Even though I had previously asked him not to bring me any treats anymore, I guess he thought that since I ate what I did at dinner that I had given up.

I am so mad at myself.  And it is obvious that he isn't going to support me through this process.  I'm not saying this in a negative manner, it's just a matter of fact.  So, I need to realize it and get over it.  That just means that you guys will have to be my support system.  And at the end of the day, I have to make better choices.

Can you do me a favor?  Will you go be a fan of my blog on Facebook?  This way I can send out distress signals when I'm about to make another idiotic choice and you can stop me!  You're the best.

This Just In!

I got an award! I can't believe it! I'm so honored! Wow... I feel like a "REAL" blogger!

Thanks to Sylvia @ Big Steps 2 Take, I have my first official blog award! I never knew I could be so happy about such a thing! It feels great.

The rules of the award are that I have to tell you 7 things that you don't know about me yet...

1.  I am a published poet.  I haven't written any poetry in years, but when I was young I had several of my poems published.
2.  My dream car is a fully restored Jeep Grand Wagoneer.  I'd take that over a luxury car anyday.
3.  I have a Bachelors in Speech Comm. and a teaching certificate in Special Education and Elementary Education, but I'm not currently using any of them in my employment.
4.  My husband can make me laugh even when I'm angry, which of course, only makes me angrier.
5.  I suffered from insomnia from age 12-16.  I finally learned how to fall asleep by focusing on my breathing on my own.
6.  I didn't grow up with a religious foundation.  My limited experiences were with the Baptist church and Unitarian Universalist church.  I'd always considered myself to be spiritual, but never religious.  I did not expect to become a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints before 6 months ago, but I'm so glad I did.

The 2nd rule is that I have to pass the award on to seven other Beautiful Bloggers!  You know, this is tough because I'm seeing that most of the people I want to give it to have just recently received it from others, but I'm just gonna go with it!

1.  One Year, 1.5 Pounds per Week, One Day at a Time - Sarah is also trying to lose weight so she can have babies! 
2.  Confessions of a (Recovering) Compulsive Eater - I've never even commented on her blog, but I have been reading it for a long time.  Good stuff!
3.  Anonymous Fat Girl - This is another one of my long-time favorites!  I love her no-nonsense attitude and she shares some amazing Clean Eating recipes. 
4.  JewliaGoulia - Julia has lost over 75 pounds in the past 5 months!  She is amazing.
5.  Endurance Isn't Only Physical - This woman has lost 126 pounds!  SERIOUSLY!  Tricia totally gives me hope that I can reach my goals.
6.  Flabby McGee - I just love this blog!  She is so funny and I can totally relate to her!
7.  Peanut Butter and Jenny - Jenny is dealing with ED from a different perspective from me, but I love how she works on achieving a balance.  Plus, she is obsessed with Peanut Butter and how could you not love someone like that?

I hope you'll check these guys out!

Top Secret

Que the spy music...

The information I'm about to share with you is strictly confidential.  It is my secret to success...  Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you-

My Daily Meal Plan:

Weight Watchers allows you to eat whatever you want as long as you stay within your points.  If you wanna blow all of your points on Haagen-Dazs, you can.  However, they do have a few Good Health Guidelines that they recommend you follow.  And well folks, I think they're pretty darn smart, so that's where I begin my plan for the week.

Breakfast:     TOTAL 10 pts.
Dairy 1pt.
Fruit 1pt.
Whole Grains and Protein of some fashion 8pts.

Lunch:     TOTAL 11pts.
Dairy (yogurt or pudding) 2pts.
Fruit 1pt.
1 serving of Veggies 0-1pt.
Whole Grains and Lean Protein of some fashion 7-8 pts.

Dinner:     TOTAL 12 pts.
Dairy 1pt.
2 servings of Veggies 0-2 pts.
2 servings of Healthy Oils 2 pts.
Whole Grains and Lean Protein of some fashion 7-9 pts.

Snacks:      TOTAL 3 pts.
Basically whatever floats my boat.  Hummus, Popcorn, Nuts, Cereal...


And that's it in a nutshell.  I pretty much eat the same breakfast and lunch all week but mix up the fruits and veggies for some variety.  I leave the snacks open so I can just eat what sounds good to me that day.  I plan several dinners that fall within my points range and make enough for left overs so I'm not cooking everyday.  Tomorrow I'll share more about what I'm eating for lunch these days!

This message will self-destruct in 10... 9... 8...

Week 1 Weigh-In

Current Weight:  303.4 lbs
Loss:  -3.8 lbs
Total Loss:  -3.8 lbs
Emotion:  Satisfied

It was a rollercoaster of a week.  I'm super glad I lost, but still a little disappointed.  I can't help it!  I know it could have been much more impressive!  I can't change last week, but I can have a better week.  I'm off to a good start!  Especially now that I'm not feeling attached to the toilet!  Sorry.

Oh a different note, it feels a little strange being back in the WW meetings.  I'm not going on my usual Tuesday night, so it's a totally new group of people who think I'm brand new.  However, the leader is the same and she treats me like I've been there forever.  I'm sure it will get better, but I was super uncomfortable tonight.  I'm seriously considering moving to the Tuesday night meeting again.  We'll see.

Does anyone have a kick in the pants to give me?  I need one.

Preparation

TMI Alert:  I've been throwing up since last night.  I think my homemade guacamole and squash/zucchini slices didn't agree with me.  The vomiting is over, but now the issue has moved *ahem* south.  I hate vomiting and I hate being sick.

Today is weigh-in day!  I'm really not sure what to expect.  So I'm basically not allowing myself to expect anything.  I don't want to be disappointed.  I doubt there will be a gain, but you never know!  I still haven't replaced the watch battery in my scale at home so I have no idea where I'm at.  I'll try to get that posted tonight!

So, onto the business at hand.  After a few days of struggling last week, I determined that I would need to be better prepared for the week ahead.  I have to make this lifestyle change fit in to my routine or else it isn't going to work.  I'm going to be sharing things throughout the week that will help me stay on track.

I don't know about you but I've found that if I have a good breakfast, I will stay on my plan for the rest of the day.  I don't know if it's about metabolism or if it's just mental.  I know that when I have breakfast, I feel like I'm off to a good start and it motivates me to keep it going.  And on the same token, when I don't eat breakfast, I feel like I've already screwed up the day and it can throw the whole day off...  Like Friday.

I'm not a morning person.  I'm doing good to get up and get to work on time most days, so breakfast can't be a big production.  That's why I spent about an hour Saturday morning making a big batch of whole grain waffles.  I then froze them.  When I get up, I can throw it in the toaster, slather on a Tbsp. of Nutella and grab a piece of fruit.  I can even eat it in the car if necessary.  That combined with a glass of milk and I've got a completely satisfying breakfast.

Speaking of milk, I got some Almond Milk last week because there was an awesome coupon and you know what?  I think it's super yummy!  It's lower in calories, fat, sugar, etc. than even regular fat free milk.

What did you have for breakfast?

Confession

I really don't want to do this.

I don't want to have to tell you about how far off plan I found myself yesterday.  I don't want to admit to having Burger King and then later two bowls of brown rice with margarine and parmesan cheese.  UGH.

But in an effort to be true to this process and hold myself accountable, I have to come clean.

Why did it happen?

1.  I wasn't prepared the last two days and I think it threw me off.  I didn't have breakfast at all Friday, then ate a very low point lunch from Subway, and then in a moment of frustration and hunger decided to sabotage it all and get Burger King for dinner.  For Pete's Sake!  That's pretty much the WORST place I could have picked to eat.

2.  Because I'm gonna screw up from time to time.  I can give up or I can keep going.

I choose to keep going.

I got up this morning with a new attitude and I've had two good meals and I'm right on target for the day.  My indiscretion may keep me from seeing a loss on the scale Monday, so I'm prepared for that.

I'm approaching next week from a whole new angle.  I've already got a plan!  I will be sharing that with you next week, so stay tuned!

In the meantime, tell me- What are you most likely to break plan for?

A Big Deal

One of my favorite weight-loss blogs is Jack Sh*t, Getting Fit.  Jack is hilarious and straight forward- and I appreciate that.  He regularly does posts like this or this and they crack me up!

A few weeks ago, Jack asked his readers to write their own white notecards about why they want to get fit.  It has turned into a whole series called Why I do this here (W.I.D.T.H.).  I was super excited to visit his blog today and see that my card was featured in his latest post.

And you know what?  It was just the reminder I needed today.  It brought back my motivation.  I started to get really down on myself last night- how surprising!  I had to keep telling myself- "You are trying to change your entire lifestyle!  It's going to be tough and it's not going to be pretty!  Hang in there and keep up the good work."

What is your motivation?

Will Power

I felt it start to give last night.  That little urge.  It was late, and I was still awake and I wanted to eat...

But I wasn't hungry.

So, I wrestled with myself.  I had 2.5 of my daily points left and all 35 of my "bonus" points.  I could easily eat something without technically going off plan.  But that's the rub.  Did I need to eat anything?  No.  I just wanted to eat something.  I kept thinking, "I should be in bed." 

Then I remembered that I had some slices of 2% Swiss Cheese, so I pulled out two and ate them.  I shared some with the dogs.  But I still wasn't satisfied.  Back to the fridge...  I pulled out a container of cream cheese and ate the last remaining tsp.  I wondered "why did we save that with only a tsp of cream cheese left?"  And then I heard, "Go to bed."

So I did.

I got up this morning and figured out my points first thing.  It was miniscule.  I had exhausted my points for the day, plus one.  So now I still have 34 bonus points at my disposal for the week, should I desire to use them.  But I really don't want to.

Once I finished on WW.com, I was running late.  I left the house without my breakfast or lunch, without my water, and in frustration. 

Oh, no!  I'm not going to let this get me down.  Yes, it's a red flag.  I should proceed with caution.  But I'm not going to let last night or this morning ruin this for me.  It's too important.  And I'm doing a good job, darn it!  It doesn't have to be perfect to be good.

So, here's the plan.  I've got some yogurt stashed here at work.  Going to go eat that now.  It's okay that I don't have some whole grain cereal or fruit to mix with it.  Something is way better than nothing.  Then, I'm going to pick up Subway for lunch.  Then I'm going to get a new color and haircut (thanks Taryn) and I'm going to feel good and be happy.  When that's done, I'm headed to the grocery store for a few more things to stash at work so I'm prepared for days like today.

What's your plan?

Let's Get it Started!

Not nearly as bad as I expected it to be!

I'm sorry I'm just now getting around to posting!  I had hoped to get it all up last night, but it didn't happen!

So, I was pretty happy about my 307.2 el bees.  It's only 3 measly pounds heavier than my last WW weigh in on 1-12-10 of 304.2 lbs.  I'd only gained 3 pounds in the last 4 months?!  I'm sorry, but that was very good news to me.

I'm off to a running start today!  Had a good breakfast (greek yogurt and blueberries) and filling lunch (homemade chicken salad sandwich).  I'm not hungry yet!

What did YOU eat today? 

100 in 365

You voted!  I'm listening!

Thank you so much to all of you who voted and gave your input.  I read all of your suggestions, prayed about them, and I think that I've come to a decision.

I'm looking to change my lifestyle, not just go on a diet.  I'm not just wanting to lose a lot of weight real quick.  I'm willing to take my time to make sure that this is a permanent change.  That being said, I also know myself and I do better on a structured program.  I also know that I need some level of accountability to stay on course.  So, for now I am going to join Weight Watchers.  The structure of the program will help me to get used to the lower calories before I make additional changes.

So basically I'm looking at this as a process to make a lasting and profound lifestyle change.  The process is going to go through stages.  I am going to make it a point to make sure that I stay true to this as a lifestyle change and not just a diet.  Clean eating and exercise will become a part of all of this soon!

I had this grand plan to weigh in this morning, take pictures and post everything...  Well, my scale battery was dead.  The battery is one of those watch batteries, so I'll have to wait until tomorrow to replace it!  So look for a post tomorrow night!

Let's Put it to a Vote

I'm kinda stumped guys and I need your help.  As I shared with you here, as of Sunday I am going to be back on the weight loss wagon.  I'm just not exactly sure what wagon I'm going to be on.

I don't really want to join WW and have to pay $40 a month to follow a plan that I already know how to do on my own.  But I wonder if I will stick to it if I'm not going to the meetings.

To further complicate things, I'm really getting into Clean Eating.  It's basically consuming food in its most natural state-- or as close as possible to it.  It's not a diet really, but more of a lifestyle approach to food and its preparation, leading to health, well-being and a lean look. 

I'm wondering if I should possibly combine the WW program and Clean Eating lifestyle to have more structure, or maybe just stick to Clean Eating and control my portion sizes.

Regardless of what I do, I'm pretty well versed on what I should eat (veggies, fruit, lean meats, whole grains, dairy) and what I shouldn't (fried, processed, msg, high fructose corn syrup). 

So it looks like I'm going to need your help.  What do you think I should do?  Vote in the poll on the right hand side of the page.  If you think I should do something else, PLEASE tell me about it in the comments section!

Perfection

A few days ago, I allowed myself to pose a question on Facebook that had been bothering me for days:

"Does it make me a bad person that I'm wary of anyone who claims to have a perfect life? Maybe I've just seen too much to believe that's even possible. I don't allow myself to believe that anything will ever be "perfect" but life can still be good... and it is!"

It was out of the norm for me to post something like that, and I wasn't expecting so many people to respond to it.  What started out pretty much a "brain dump" for me actually ended up causing me to ponder and evaluate the whole idea of perfection.

And here's what I've decided:

• First and foremost, I don't need to be worried about whether or not someone thinks their life is perfect.  It doesn't matter!  If I am worried about it, that means I'm being judgmental.  And I don't want to be judgmental.
• My propensity to cringe when I hear someone call their life "perfect" actually has nothing to do with them (whether or not I think their life is perfect) and more to do with me and my perfection issues.  I spent most of my life trying to be perfect to please other people.  It's taken therapy, the Gospel, and good old effort on my part to stop focusing on the need to be perfect.  It is still a struggle daily to fight that urge.  But it's getting easier.
• I'm not perfect, but in the same way- I am perfect.  It's all in the way you look at it.  After reading some scriptures and consulting talks on the LDS website, I think it all boils down to this:  Humans are NOT perfect and we won't achieve perfection in this life.  However, we should continually strive to be Christ-like (perfect) eventhough we know we will never fully achieve this while we're alive.  At the same time, we are God's children and we are perfectly designed.  Whatever we are and whatever we do is a part of the plan for us and thus it is perfect.  Does that make sense?

So, I guess it all boils down to this:  I am grateful for what I am and what I have in my life at this time.  I am grateful for even the few bumps that I experience (eventhough they are few and far between these days) because they have a purpose.  I can look in the mirror and say:  You are beautiful.  You are a child of God.  You are exactly as you should be today.  And eventhough those voices want to chime in and say, "But what about..." I'm finding it easier and easier to quiet them.

This is how I know that I'm ready.  Because it's not about looking in the mirror and crying anymore.  It's not about trying to fit in some mold of what I should look like.  It's about being a temple.  It's about my Heavenly Father and my family.

The process won't be perfect.  I know that and I haven't even started yet.  I don't have any unrealistic expectations.  But I'm not going to give up.  I will do what it takes! 

A Lot to Lose

Would you believe me if I said that I think I'm ready to tackle this thing called food/eating/weight?  I wouldn't if I were you...  It seems like I've been down this road too many times, broken too many promises to myself, made progress only to turn around a head back.  It's been quite a battle.  One that I've mostly been losing.

So what makes me so ready now?

In short- because this is the only thing standing in the way of me having a baby.  And I want a baby more than I want anything else in my life.  And I think it's ridiculous that I'm allowing my love of food to keep from something that I will love SO much more!

What is going to be different THIS time?

To be honest, I'm not sure.  For one thing, I will be doing all of the cooking thanks to my husband's new work schedule.  That will allow me to be in control of what's going into the meals and the portion sizes.  For another, I have spiritual motivation and support thanks to the Word of Wisdom.  And finally, there's YOU.  Which means accountability. 

I've been blogging about my weight-loss efforts for several years now and I've always been amazed by the support that my readers give me.  I'm kicking it up a notch now by being a part of several weight-loss blogs.  It's awesome to see how many people are out there trying to achieve what I am.  And many who already have!

So, starting this weekend, I'm kicking off a new series- 100 in 365.  I'm sure you can decipher that my goal will be to lose 100 lbs. in the next year.  I know that sounds like a crazy goal, but at my size, it's actually very realistic.  I plan to weigh in weekly with pictures and measurements.  I will be sharing everything with you- what I'm eating, how I'm doing, and what I'm feeling.  Should make for good reading!

I'm not going to go on some crash or fad diet.  I'm just going to eat less and better, and get some exercise.

I thought happiness was Lubbock, TX in my rearview mirror...

Ahh, Mac Davis...  You sure now how to get a girl right in the heart...

When I was in high school, I couldn't wait to leave my hometown of Lubbock, TX.  I wanted out of there so badly that I even took some night classes to graduate a year early from high school.  I was adamant about heading away from home for college.  As I was making my plans for school in San Marcos, my dad was offered a job in Houston.  At that point, my grandparents begged me to stay and go to Texas Tech.  They made a compelling offer, but I had no desire to stay.  One hot day in July of 1998, we all packed up and left...  and I cried the entire way.

Ever since I've become an adult (especially since I've been married) I've wanted to make my way back to my hometown.  It's where I want to raise a family, lay my head at night, it's where I feel at home.  We keep trying to make it happen, but the move remains elusive.  I guess it just isn't time yet.

I really thought it was going to happen this time, but staying put is really what's best.  Havie is already being prepped for promotions in June.  If he leaves now, he would be starting all over.  I just can't do that to him.  We are going to use the next two years to meet some important personal goals and then we will re-assess.

Wherever we are together, we will be okay because that is truly home.

Chillin' Like A...

I've been meaning to get on here for a week now and update you on my "mission".  I have to say that it was a complete success!  YAY!  I didn't get to do everything that I would have liked to, but by the end of the 5 days, I had a clean and straightened home.  I had also finished some projects that had been on the backburner for a long time.

And thanks to some honest commentary from friends (Thank you so much by the way!), I also emerged with a new attitude and perspective.  I'm ready to admit that I have been way too hard on myself which is the main reason things get so bad to begin with!  I let things get backed up a little bit, then start beating myself up about it, which in turn keeps me from doing what I need to do, which only leads to the problem getting worse...  UGH, get me off this crazy rollercoaster!

So, I decided to take a chill pill.  Yes, I still don't think I have any excuse to not stay on top of things (no kids), but beating myself up about it is counter productive.  I am doing what I can when I can and I'm not freaking out about what is going left unfinished.  I've managed to stay sane all week!  Aren't you proud of me?!

There's so much more I want to tell you about!  Some big stuff is coming so stay tuned!

But in the mean time, tell me- What's your hangup?  Is there something you're proned to beat yourself up about?  Let me know I'm not a weirdo out here being hard on myself!