Friday, June 11, 2010
I'm making blogs disappear and reappear like David Copperfield these days!
Okay, so maybe I shouldn't have been so open with my feelings here and on Facebook. I wasn't thinking about the potential consequences for my husband. I honestly wasn't concerned about him at all- I mean, he made his bed... It was never my intention to smear his name, I was only reacting out of my extreme pain. In any case, I decided that I probably shouldn't post anything about any of it anymore.
Except, this is my method of release. The last 5 days of my life have been pure hell, and only made worse because I have no way to let it out. Not to mention that I have felt extreme judgment for my decisions and actions.
I can't stay silent any longer. I need to be able to say that I feel betrayed and abandoned. I need to be able to say that I've prayed and prayed and KNOW that I'm making the right decision. I need to be able to admit my fears, broken heart, hope, and faith. Everything that exists in this world was created by God, including pain, sorrow, anger. They serve a purpose. I should be able to express these valid emotions without fear of repercussion.
This isn't my fault. My husband is human and makes mistakes. That doesn't mean I have to repeatedly forgive him especially when he shows no interest in changing his behaviors. (Have I mentioned that he has yet to apologize?) Oh, have I mentioned he tried to throw me out of our home yesterday?
These are REAL things that are REALLY happening in my life right now. I wish I could paint you some fake rosy picture like I've allowed myself to do for far too long. I love him, but I love ME more.
Posted by brandi at 11:33 AM