Monday, June 7, 2010


I'm not angry.  I'm mostly numb, but surprisingly not angry.  I don't exactly know what I am.  Tired.  Sad.  Defeated?  Determined.  Hopeful.

Without having to spell out all the gory details, I just have to say that I'm back in the exact same position I was a year ago, and three years ago.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, read some archives.  I just don't have the energy to spell it all out.

I know what I have to do this time.  It's time to leave.  I've stayed on a promise of that things would change, help would be sought, and it was always better for a little while.  Until things got comfortable again.  Then it would go back to "normal" and we find ourselves back in this predicament.

I've worked hard over the last years to save my marriage, but I can't do it all by myself.  I can't keep showing up for this.  It's the only way I can take care of myself, and maybe motivate him to do the same.

I know my decision may not be popular with some of the people in my life.  I want you to know that I've been praying about this for a long time.  The easy thing to do would be for me to stay, which is why I always have.

There has been an outpouring of love and support from my family and friends.  I can't begin to express the hope you've given me.  I am a lucky gal.

So for now, I start packing.  I go into survival mode.  I take care of myself.  I probably won't be blogging much, but I promise that I'll be back.


  1. I am so sorry. Praying for you.

  2. I'm so sorry. I've been there. At first it hurts so much, but sometimes, later on we realize that we've been handed a strange gift. If things work out or not, I hope you find yourself, and never give up working on YOU. Don't forget that while things feel hopeless, or you feel lost or broken - you are worth everything that you put into yourself.

    Sometimes survival mode is what it takes to get through - but then we come out of it a butterfly. :) Praying the best for you, and giving you many hugs...

  3. I don't know your history, but it sounds like there is some big things going on for you. It also sounds like you are following the spirit and that is what is important. I too will keep you in my prayers and hope that you will find yourself somewhere you can feel safe, loved, and cherished.

  4. Brandi, I know we have sort of fallen out touch as of late, but I really do care about you and hope everything will workout for you. If you need anything at all please don't hesistate. I feel like part of my own journey right now is take my eyes off myself by praying for others. So I will make it a point to pray for you.

  5. I've only been following your blog for a short time, but I just wanted to say that I am very sorry. I will keep you in my prayers.

  6. I just backtracked to read last year and all I want to do is give you a big hug and tell you everything will be okay. It might not feel like it, but you WILL be okay. More than okay.

  7. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I mean it.

  8. Brandi...I'm so sorry!! Do what is best for YOU and even when it's rough you will make it through. I'll be praying for you.



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