Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Respect in Retrospect

I filed for divorce yesterday.

I met up with him in the morning to go over the paperwork and give him the citation and answer forms since I wasn't having him served.  We're trying to do all of this without attorneys and such.

He was in a horrible mood and it didn't take long for things to escalate when he started bringing up how horribly I had treated him over the years.  It was pretty ugly and once he calmed down, he sincerely apologized.  I knew most of what he said was an exaggeration, but there was one comment that stuck.

He said that he was still in love with me and I disagreed.  I can't see how he could be in love with me and be sleeping with another woman.  He said that he just didn't respect me.  And it rang so true.

But how did that happen?  WHEN did that happen?  Did he EVER respect me?  The more I thought about it, I started to realize that I'm not sure he ever did.  And in return, I'm not sure I've had respect for him in a long time.

The first time I found out about his infidelities, we had only been married a month.  I know I lost a decent amount of respect at that point.  But over time I gained some back only to lose it again when the next set of infidelities were discovered.  It happened again and again but each time I think my respect dwindled more.  I would honestly push myself to trust and respect him because the survival of our marriage depended on it.

If he had any respect for me in the beginning, how could he have gone and done those things in the months before our wedding?  Why on earth did he even marry me?  It doesn't make any sense!

I'm going to make something perfectly clear.  I AM NOT PERFECT.  I was not a dream wife.  I can totally take responsibility for my iniquities- one of the reasons I stuck around so long.  BUT I never did anything so horrible to him that would remotely justify what I've had to endure over the past 5 years.  Period.

At the end of the day, we ALWAYS have choices.  No matter how horrible someone is treating us, or how hard our life is- we are responsible for what we choose to do with ourselves.  I'm not going to take responsibility for his choices anymore.

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