Yesterday was rough.
I had lunch with one of my sister-in-laws so naturally we had only one thing to really talk about. She asked me if there was ANY way I thought that we could work it out... Trust me, it would be a WHOLE lot easier right now if I thought we could. It makes me feel guilty to say no, there's no chance. It doesn't feel natural to me. I'm the eternal optimist- I always think we can work things out! BUT the issue is that there is no WE, it's me who's always doing all of the work- so nothing ever gets better.
So, I left that meal feeling pretty depressed.
Later that evening, I had an issue come up with one of our dogs. I was panicked and without thinking, I picked up the phone to call him. When he answered, I realized what I was doing but it was too late. He couldn't really help me anyway. So I took care of it by myself. After things calmed down, it hit me- I was losing my partner.
Not that I couldn't do it by myself, or that I wanted someone to do it for me. The point is that I realized that I'm losing the person who would have been WITH me. I guess it's the first time that's hit me because it hit really hard. I did that really hard mourning cry for a little while and then it passed.
I guess it's going to be like that. I'm not going to mourn the loss all at one time. It's going to be a series of things. Lots of little things that made up our life together. It's like tearing your soul away from anothers. All the little seams start to rip apart. It hurts so much, you can only stand a little at a time.
When people talked about how painful divorce is, I always thought it was all of the fighting. Lawyers, money, anger... No, it's so much more than that. It really is a physical, emotional, and spiritual pain. Love and marriage are not something I will take lightly ever again.