Last week my mother and step-father were in town visiting. I had just pretty much made my mind up that I was going to move forward with going to Lubbock. The fact is that I really don't have anywhere to live here in Corpus Christi- at least not until I can afford it. I couldn't find anyone to live with that wasn't a stranger (too many bad experiences down that road). So, it was like there really wasn't a decision at all.
Then my parents dropped a bomb on me- they are moving back to Corpus Christi after my step-brother graduates in May. Since he's headed off to the Navy, already enlisted!, they finally made the decision to come back. Then it wasn't so clear cut. At that point, I felt like I HAD to stay put.
The same night, I spoke with my Uncle and his wife (I have a hard time calling her my aunt because we are so close in age and good friends). They said that I could stay with them in Post, TX until I got on my feet. That takes away a big portion of the gas issue because it's much closer to Lubbock than Spur. And it re-energized my desire to be in Lubbock.
Fast forward a few days and the next bomb dropped- my aunt, who finished her last round of chemo in mid-September got the results of her latest scan. Her lung cancer had spread to her liver and more within her lungs. They basically told her that her bone marrow has already taken a beating. They don't think they will be able to cure her cancer. They are just going to prolong her life by treatment until her body can't take it anymore.
Then I really felt like I had to stay.
I've been praying this entire time for guidance and courage. I hadn't felt like I knew what to do yet. I could tell that at least subconciously, a part of me really wanted to be in Lubbock. When I thought about staying here, it just didn't feel like the right thing to do. I realized I felt more excited when I thought about my future in Lubbock than I did when I thought about my future in Corpus Christi. But I didn't know what the RIGHT things to do was yet.
Until I had breakfast with my mom Saturday morning. I was expressing to her my feelings about it all and she stopped me short by saying that I needed to do what was best for ME for once. And I could feel that this was my answer.
I'm letting alot of people down by leaving Corpus Christi- my sister, my aunt, my parents, my friends. It feels like a selfish decision to leave them behind, but sometimes in life we just have to put ourselves first. I know I need this to put myself back together and hopefully come out of this with grace and confidence.
Today I start packing and looking for a job. I have no idea what the future holds, but I feel hopeful and excited and a little bit scared- but I'm focusing on the hope.