Shaved Legs

I shaved my legs for the first time in two months today.  Not the most monumental development, I know but hear me out.

I've been feeling lighter lately.  Happier.  I'm still dealing with divorce drama and trying to find a job and trying to figure out how to be okay, but all of that is just a little bit easier all of a sudden.  I don't know when or how, but I turned a corner recently.

And I felt like shaving my legs.  Not for anyone else, for me.  I felt like taking care of myself and feeling good.  Now, that is progress in my book.

Thankful Thursday

It's been too long since I've made a Thankful Thursday list. 

I haven't been feeling so thankful for too long.  I've felt pretty angry about what I've been dealt in life.  And for some, it's understandable.  This isn't a feel sorry for me post so I'm not going into detail, but it's safe to say that my trials started at a young age and there's been many.  It's easy to look at others lives and wonder why they have it so easy and why I've had it so hard.  But I know that's the fastest way to never feel satisfied with anything.

So gratitude needs to be a daily decision- I'm going to start today.  I'm thankful for-

*  A Heavenly Father who knows me, loves me, challenges me and never gives up on me.
*  For the Atonement of Jesus Christ who suffered every pain any of us will ever feel in the Garden of Gesthemane.
*  For the Holy Spirit who fills me with light and truth, who lets me know I'm not alone.
*  For my sisters.  It's such a special bond- sisterhood.  I'm lucky to have 4 "little" sisters in my life.  They lift me up, make me laugh until I need to pee, bring out my mama bear, keep me real, and dry my tears.
*  For my family.  We're a rag tag dysfunctional bunch, but there's a whole lot of love and forgiveness.  I don't even know how to summarize what I feel for all of these people, but I am truly blessed!
*  For my friends.  You know, devastation truly lets you know who your friends are.  The ones that dare to ask how you are and want to know an honest answer.  Who check in and see through the mask.  Who give as much as they get.  I've said it before and I'll say it again- I'll take quality over quantity anyday.
*  For memories.  To remind me that this too shall pass.
*  For safety.  I have a shelter and food to eat and even if it takes me a while to find a job I know that I will be okay.
*For health.  This is not a doing of my own, for a long time I worked against my own health but I've been lucky to not have any serious issues to contend with.
* For choices.  I'm grateful for agency in my life even when I am affected by other's freedom to choose.
* For Xavier and our marriage.  This is a fake it til you make it one.  I know there's something to be grateful for there, I'm just not finding it yet.  I'm going to keep trying.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving with loved ones.

Closure

I woke up yesterday morning from a terrible dream about Xavier and I.  It made me realize all of the fears and feelings that I've been pushing down.  That I haven't been dealing with- that I've been trying to move past by ignoring.  I guess it doesn't really work that way.

So, I started a conversation with him over text messages that he eventually stopped responding to.  And then I cried off and on all day.  It was a mess.

I think what I'm missing is closure.  I mean, the divorce isn't even final yet but there are still so many open wounds and questions.  How did this happen?  What went wrong?  How am I EVER going to believe in marriage again?

I think I work things out in my dreams because I woke up today with some clarity.  I wasn't happy.  I hadn't been for some time thanks to everything that had been happening between us.  But I still had hope.  I was trying, working, praying, believing that we could change our circumstances.  I thought so because I believed that we wanted the same things.  That we loved each other.

I feel used.  Because he's been checked out of the marriage for years but just hanging on to me for comfort. He doesn't want to be alone.  He wanted a home and the comfort I brought to him, but not the responsibilities of being a husband.  He refused to communicate to the point of never being able to reach him- even though his friends could always get in touch with him.  He refused to be giving to me often completely ignoring significant times for me- like my 30th birthday.  When given rare opportunity to spend time with me, he would choose his friends instead.

I mean, COME ON.  All of the signs were there.  So WHY did he keep me around?  Why did he have me move back home?  Why did he keep insisting that he wanted me only to treat me like crap?  Why did he let me believe that we were going to start a family only to turn around and say that he wasn't ready?

He was using me.

He never should have married me.  He was already looking outside of our marriage before we ever said I do.  I was deceived from the very beginning.  It makes me question every feeling I've ever had about him.  I can't hang on to any good memories because there is an underlying question about what was real and what wasn't.  THE LAST 7 YEARS OF MY LIFE HAVE BEEN WASTED!

I can't go back and change it.  All I can do is learn and accept and move forward.  I can't imagine ever being able to trust someone again.  I can't imagine wanting to set myself for this kind of pain again.

I shouldn't have let him keep sucking me in again.  I knew deep down that he was no good.  He didn't start out that way, but it didn't take him long to get there.  Oh sure, he's a charmer.  That's how he reels you in- acting like a big ole teddy bear.  But it's a facade.

I know this is all over the place, but I guess if I can take anything away from this disaster it would be to trust my gut and be strong enough to walk away before I let a relationship ruin my life again.  It's possible that I'll never  have that chance, but I'm determined to not let him steal the joy from my life like he has for too long now.

Just Keep Swimming

I left Corpus Christi a week ago.  It was also our 5th Anniversary.

I've been in another world ever since.  Unpacking, applying for jobs, driving back and forth from Post to Lubbock.  I feel like I'm just floating right now.  I'm living in someone else's home and living someone else's life.  That's how it feels.

I've been here before- this "in-between" space.  I always hate it, but I know that it's necessary.  I just have to endure it.  It's not all bad, but I just can't seem to feel happy yet.  I have faith that I will again.

Stronger

I've heard over and over again that I'm so strong.  That I'm handling everything so well.  "If it was me..."

I haven't been so sure.  I can stay calm most of the time, but inside I feel like a little war is raging.  It's a constant battle to remember the good in the world and not let every negative thought/feeling/whim take over.  I'm never really trying to hide it from anyone but it seems like it's easy to keep a handle on in front of other people.  When I'm home alone- not so easy.

Time is probably part of the answer because I DO feel stronger today.  The past week has been crazy and there's been lots of stress but right now almost everything is packed and I'm resting up to load everything tomorrow.  And I feel somehow stronger.

Last week I saw Kelly Clarkson performing a song from her new album, Stronger,  on The View and I have since fallen in love with it.  It feels like the soundtrack to my life right now.  One song in particular feels like it could have been written for me.  I know what I'll be listening to on the road Friday!