A Dedication

To my anchor-



When all the world is spinning round
like a red balloon way up in the clouds
and my feet will not stay on the ground
you anchor me back down

I am nearly world-renowned
as a restless soul who always skips town,
but I look for you to come around
and anchor me back down.

There are those who think that I'm strange
They would box me up and tell me to change
but you hold me close and softly say
that you wouldn't have me any other way

When people pin me as a clown
you behave as though I'm wearing a crown
When I'm lost I feel so very found
when you anchor me back down.

There are those who think that I'm strange

They would box me up and tell me to change

but you hold me close and softly say

that you wouldn't have me any other way

When all the world is spinning round
like a red balloon way up in the clouds

And my feet will not stay on the ground
you anchor me back down.

So, it's decided...

I'm headed back to Corpus Christi.

UNLESS I miraculously get a teaching job in the next two weeks.


We honestly can't afford to continue to hold down two households.  Not to mention that I miss my husband terribly and we are ready to get back to work on our relationship.

This is a decision that I would never make normally, to go back.  But we've prayed about it and know it's the right thing to do.

My time in Lubbock has truly served it's purpose.  I believe it was a decision I made with my Heavenly Father's guidance.  We had to be separated from each other to be able to see the big picture and appreciate each other again.  And for me personally, it has allowed me to focus on some personal issues that I've been able to avoid for way to long.

We have work to do, but I have faith that as long as we keep the Lord at the center of our marriage, we will be okay.

The Climax

The climax (from the Greek word “κλῖμαξ” (klimax) meaning “staircase” and “ladder”) or turning point of a narrative work is its point of highest tension or drama or when the action starts in which the solution is given.^[1][2]

We've recently been discussing plot with the 4th graders on our campus. We have been using a graphic of a mountain to help the students understand the elements of plot.

It all starts with a problem at the base of the mountain. Then climbing up the mountain is your rising action. The peak of the mountain represents the climax or turning point of the story. Then it's "all downhill" until you reach the resolution.

I know that real life doesn't always follow the "rules", but every time I think I've reached the climax of my current situation, I look up and realize I'm not even close yet. It's like this mountain keeps stretching taller when I'm not looking.

I feel so exhausted from the climb. I always feel like giving up. Sometimes I just want to stop right where I am, but it doesn't take me long to figure out that this isn't where I want or need to be. So, I look back down the mountain. It's always VERY tempting to head on back down. It would be pretty easy to do. But then again, I've worked so hard to get here and I just can't imagine letting all of that hard work go to waste! Besides, my problem is still down there at the bottom so I'm just going to have to start all over again eventually. And sometimes that thought makes me feel very bitter. What choice do I have? It's not fair.

Sometimes I get stuck right there, maybe for a little time, but I'm embarrassed to admit that sometimes I let it last way too long.  Sometimes I've been stuck so long that I look around and I'm not even sure where I am or where I'm going anymore.

I always end up deciding to move forward.  I guess I'm just that kind of gal.  I push forward, head down, trying to get where I need to be.  But as I mentioned, I don't seem to be reaching the top.  I continue to do the same thing even though it hasn't been working out for me.  Because I think it's what's right?  Because I think it's what other people want me to do?  Because I don't know what else to do?  I really don't know.

But now that I think about it, there's probably more than one path up the mountain.  And there's probably no shame in having to head back a little if it means finding a more suitable path.  Even if I had to start completely over, I would have learned so much about climbing mountains that I would have a better idea of what to do next time.  Some patience might be helpful as well.

Most of all, I realize that I haven't been using my resources very wisely.  I haven't been humble enough to seek out my Heavenly Father's plan for me.  I haven't had faith in the process.  I've lamented for not knowing what to do, but I haven't even asked.  Now, that's just plain silly when I really think about it.

Now that I know, I can't continue on this road.  I'm not sure what I will do just yet.  I need to get on my knees and ask.

Dreams

All of a sudden, I'm asking "What if?"

I'm remembering dreams from long ago.  Considering possibilities I'd determined were impossible.  Why?  That's what I'd like to know.  Why not?

Do I have the courage to make those dreams come true?  Maybe I do.  We'll see!

Creative Release

I've always been a pretty crafty person.  It comes to me naturally through my mom's family.  Her mother was an artist who specialized in toll painting, and my mom is incredibly gifted with creativity.  I also have some very artistic siblings.

I started at a young age with crafty endeavors.  I've been into photography, scrap booking, painting, graphic design, and beading.  A few years ago, when I got married and started teaching, I just didn't have time or energy to work on anything anymore.  I'd try to start a project, but it would never get finished.  I felt like I'd completely lost my creative spark.

I tried different projects, but I just couldn't enjoy it!  It honestly felt like a chore which is crazy.  Crafting was a major hobby for me at one point in my life- a way to escape and relax.  I didn't have an outlet anymore and I pretty much just gave up.

Ever since I moved to Lubbock, my Aunt has been inviting me to go paint pottery with her at a local place called Art Avenue.  Twice a month they have S.O.S. (Save Our Sanity) night.  It's always on Friday nights from 8-12, and each one has a theme.  If you dress up according to the theme, you get 10% off.  They have snacks and games/door prizes.  It sounded like fun, but I was BROKE!

I finally got to go for the first time two weeks ago.  I had $10 and I was ready to have a night out of the house.  I made a little hanging plaque for my classroom.  I had such a blast!  I got to socialize and be creative at the same time.  I finished painting it just in time!  I was so nervous about how my first project would look once it was fired.

I went back last night, and I was so pleased with the final result!  I added the wire and beads and had the confidence to start a new project!

The shop has a shelf of items that individuals started, but never came back to finish.  After 6 months, they wash the pieces off and put them back up for sale for a discounted price.  I was able to score a vase that normally costs $21, and with my 10% discount for dressing up and my $5 off coupon I won at the last SOS ended up about $6 for it.  I got busy painting it and was able to finish it right before they closed last night.  I can't wait to see how it turned out.

I'm just so happy to be finding myself again.  It's little things like this that are bringing me closer and closer to where I need to be.

Hurting

I've watched you my entire life, you were so fascinating to me.  Far more bold, confident, and intelligent than I could dream to be.  When we were young, I was so jealous.  You could break the rules without batting an eyelash.  You could remember the words to a song after the first time you heard it.  I wanted to be just like you, but I couldn't be.  You were younger, but older.  I always knew that.

Then everything got broken, and it was my turn to shine because I could take care of you.  It's the only thing I could do better than you- take care of you.

They told me I was the oldest and I had to be a good example.  I had to be responsible because you were watching.  And I believed them.  I tried to be the best I could be, but you didn't want to be like me.

We got older and older and you got deeper and deeper in trouble and I felt so responsible.  I thought it was my fault.  When we would fight, I couldn't sleep and all I wanted to do was make up.  I took on a new role.  I became your protector.  I thought I was being just.  Doing my job.

Then you left.  And came back.  And left again.  Over and over.  Breaking my heart each time.  I was always there trying to help you pick up the pieces.  Telling everything that THIS time it was going to be different.  JUST WAIT AND SEE!

All of these years later, and I'm still playing that role.  Cheerleader.  Protector.  Enabler.

But you broke my heart again today.  For the last time.  You've made your choices and I just have to let go.  I will always love you and I will always hope and pray for you, but I can't keep supporting you.  It's not my responsibility.  It's not my fault.  You're only hurting yourself.

I wish things could be different for you little sister, maybe someday they will.  It's up to you.

I'm Still Here

I feel like my life is kind of in this bubble right now.  I'm stuck in this in-between space.  I know it's only temporary, but it won't be changing as quickly as I'd like it to.  I'm trying to remember that this in-between space has it's purpose.

I feel like I was in this exact same position a year ago, and feeling incredibly frustrated with it.  I'm practicing more patience this time and trying to let it all play out.  My hope and prayer is that if I give this time, I'll never have to be here again.  At least not for this reason.