Better Late than Never!

So, I know... You've been dying for an update! :) And I must apologize immensely for my lack of desire to do so. I've been stuck in my own little world lately- thanks to a crazy couple of weeks- and I've quite enjoyed it, thank you! But it's time to come back out and live in the real world with my real friends who have been quite patient with me. What a lucky gal I am!

By the way, aren't we cute? That's my "mother-in-law" and I at her grandfather's 80th birthday party. Yes, we are about the same age. Long story.

Anyway. I will be posting a blog about my trip up North and some other stuff very soon, but first I need to return to these blog roots and tell you all about how my personal journey is coming.

First of all, therapy is amazing. I am working with someone that I've really connected with. We are really getting down to the nitty gritty and eventhough it gets really tough at times, I can feel the progress. So, I want to share two things I've learned in the past few months:

1. I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. My therapist gave me that book at our very first session and I've had to digest it slowly because I am having my mind blown with each and every page. I would recommend it to anyone who delt with substance abusing parents growing up (no matter how functional or not).

2. I have a Dissociate Disorder. There are 4 of them, but I clearly fall into one category. Now, I don't know if I have been formally diagnosed, but it has been mentioned more than once by my therapist. So, I decided to check it out, and this is what I read on the wikipedia-

"Depersonalization disorder (DSM-IV Codes 300.6[2]) - periods of detachment
from self or surrounding which may be experienced as "unreal" (lacking in
control of or "outside of" self) while retaining awareness that this is only a
feeling and not a reality."

This so perfectly describes how I feel most of the time that I don't need to be formally diagnosed to know that's exactly what is going on with me. In laments terms, I basically live in la la land. It's a defense mechanism that started a LONG time ago to protect me from all of the stress.

So, what does that all mean? I have some work to do. I am going to start attending Al-Anon meetings. I am going to continue therapy. I am going to stop being so hard on myself (a typical trait for ACOAs). I am going to work on being present, aware, purposeful, conscious, etc. That includes starting to recognize when I am in the present and when I'm not- which is really hard for me right now, but I discovered one thing:

When I'm driving and it's sunny and quiet, I sort of "wake up" and realize all of a sudden that everything is real. I've even said to Havie before, "Wow. You're really real?" And then I have to touch him just to make sure. I know he's real, but most of the time it doesn't feel like he's real. Can you wrap your head around this? LOL...

I know... I'm crazy. But knowing is the first step.