Back on Track

I can't believe it's only been a week since everything went wonky in my world.  It feels like an eternity.  But you wanna know the good news?  I'm surviving!  I'm even...  Smiling!  I know!

It was a roller coaster week and I swear just about everything that could go wrong Saturday, did.  My attempt to raise some money with a yard sale failed miserably, I got stuck for an extended period of time at my in laws, my a/c broke, and I lost my place to live when I get home.

BUT I woke up yesterday with a good attitude and determination and everything worked itself out.  I'm fully packed with the exception of all of my paperwork which is my project this week.  I'm going to attempt to purge and organize my boxes upon boxes of files.  I horde papers like no ones business.  I've always been afraid to throw anything away, but not anymore!  I'm not taking this clutter with me!

So anyway, I'm writing all of this to tell you that I'm trying to get back on track.  I was able to go to the grocery store this weekend and get some good food.  I'm not going to track my points this week because I just have way too much going on, but I'm going to eat 3 meals a day that are healthy and fall into the good health guidelines.  Plus, I have been doing so much physical activity, I'm pretty sure I'm losing weight.  My jeans are loose this morning!

I just want to thank you again for your support and prayers and well wishes.  They have meant a lot to me!

Oh, and I know I've posted this before, but many of you weren't around back then.  I've been watching it everyday to remind myself that there is so much to be grateful for.

Magic

I'm making blogs disappear and reappear like David Copperfield these days!

Okay, so maybe I shouldn't have been so open with my feelings here and on Facebook.  I wasn't thinking about the potential consequences for my husband.  I honestly wasn't concerned about him at all- I mean, he made his bed...  It was never my intention to smear his name, I was only reacting out of my extreme pain.  In any case, I decided that I probably shouldn't post anything about any of it anymore.

Except, this is my method of release.  The last 5 days of my life have been pure hell, and only made worse because I have no way to let it out.  Not to mention that I have felt extreme judgment for my decisions and actions.

I can't stay silent any longer.  I need to be able to say that I feel betrayed and abandoned.  I need to be able to say that I've prayed and prayed and KNOW that I'm making the right decision.  I need to be able to admit my fears, broken heart, hope, and faith.  Everything that exists in this world was created by God, including pain, sorrow, anger.  They serve a purpose.  I should be able to express these valid emotions without fear of repercussion.

This isn't my fault.  My husband is human and makes mistakes.  That doesn't mean I have to repeatedly forgive him especially when he shows no interest in changing his behaviors.  (Have I mentioned that he has yet to apologize?)  Oh, have I mentioned he tried to throw me out of our home yesterday? 

These are REAL things that are REALLY happening in my life right now.  I wish I could paint you some fake rosy picture like I've allowed myself to do for far too long.  I love him, but I love ME more.

The Plan

It's a new day, and I finally got some sleep.  I forced myself to eat something for dinner, after which I felt much better.  It's these basic functions that I need to make sure I'm taking care of right now.  I need my strength physically to stay strong mentally and emotionally.  I feel more connected to my body than I have in a long time.  It's interesting.

Something so beautiful stretched out before me yesterday.  I felt an outpouring of love like I had never experience in my life before.  Now THAT is some healing power.  I can't even start to tell you what it has meant to me.  It's meant everything.

The first decision that I was able to make was that I had to leave town.  This isn't about running away, this is about healing myself and that needs to be done back home.  West Texas!

But how?  Friends stepped in and gave me a place to live and a job for the summer.  Seriously, aren't they great?

So, I'm putting in a two-week notice today.  I'm picking up boxes after work.  I'm going to reach out for help.

And I'm going to make it.

Broken

I'm not angry.  I'm mostly numb, but surprisingly not angry.  I don't exactly know what I am.  Tired.  Sad.  Defeated?  Determined.  Hopeful.

Without having to spell out all the gory details, I just have to say that I'm back in the exact same position I was a year ago, and three years ago.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, read some archives.  I just don't have the energy to spell it all out.

I know what I have to do this time.  It's time to leave.  I've stayed on a promise of that things would change, help would be sought, and it was always better for a little while.  Until things got comfortable again.  Then it would go back to "normal" and we find ourselves back in this predicament.

I've worked hard over the last years to save my marriage, but I can't do it all by myself.  I can't keep showing up for this.  It's the only way I can take care of myself, and maybe motivate him to do the same.

I know my decision may not be popular with some of the people in my life.  I want you to know that I've been praying about this for a long time.  The easy thing to do would be for me to stay, which is why I always have.

There has been an outpouring of love and support from my family and friends.  I can't begin to express the hope you've given me.  I am a lucky gal.

So for now, I start packing.  I go into survival mode.  I take care of myself.  I probably won't be blogging much, but I promise that I'll be back.

Motivation

I don't know about you, but I'm feeling like I'm in some kind of slump.  I wasn't feeling well yesterday and I think it threw me off.  I'm no where near on plan today and well, just not feeling particularly motivated.  NOT a good way to start the weekend!

So, I decided maybe I needed a little reminder about why I'm going to so much trouble to begin with.

This is actually my neice.  I imagine our children will look something like her.  She belongs to my husband's brother and his wife.  Gabby looks alot like my deceased mother-in-law.

The thought of holding a sweet little chunk like her is just what I needed.

Thankful Thursday Returns

Once upon a time, this blog had very little to do with weight loss.  It was just about my life and the things I was doing to make it better.  And it still is, but for the time being (and probably for a while) my focus is becoming healthier- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

Once upon a time, I used to write a list of everything I was thankful for once a week.  It was my attempt to stay positive and remind myself of all the blessings I have in my life.  And it was my favorite, but somehow it got lost in the shuffle.  So I'm bringing it back.  I think this journey is mostly mental anyhow, so an attitude adjustment is greatly needed!

Here we go! (in no particular order, I just type them as I think of them)

* For new blogger friends!  I feel like this whole new world of support has opened up for me.  You guys are inspirational and you're honest and you're fabulous.  YOU  ROCK!

* For my husband.  My havienero.  I miss you when you work these crazy shifts, but so grateful that you work hard to provide for our little family.

* For my pups.  You two look like ragamuffins right now, but you make my heart melt.  Even when you're barking at thunder and driving me crazy, I know you're just being protective.

* For my family and friends.  I know you love me because you listen to me and try to help me.  I know I can be a mess, but you've never given up on me.  Thank you for the support over the years.

* For rainy nights followed by sunny days.  Literally and Figuratively

* For not having to water my plants for a while after last nights downpour.

* For having a stomach bug (AGAIN!) because at least I get to spend some time with my hubby today.  (Did you see me turn that negative into a positive?)

*  Last, but certainly not least- I'm truly grateful for the gospel.  For a Heavenly Father who knows me and loves me.  For the Spirit to guide me.  For my brothers and sisters who inspire, teach, comfort.  It's changed my life in every good way I know.

So, now it's your turn!  I challenge you to come up with your own list!  Can't we all use a little attitude adjustment from time to time?

Hunger

When I was a teenager, my dad and step-mom joined Weight Watchers because they both felt that they needed to lose some weight.  And they did.  But that's not the point.  I remember my dad telling me that he liked feeling hungry because it told him that he was doing a good job.  And I thought long and hard about that.  It was the first time I imagined what I had always considered to be a negative feeling as a potentially positive one.

This idea has expanded for me over the years.  I had a pretty turbulent childhood and consequently have felt many emotions that I would consider negative.  At the same time, now that I have some years, and therapy, and perspective under my belt- I can see how these things had a very positive impact on me.  In fact, it is the very struggle that I've experienced that made me as strong as I am today.  Without it, I am sure I would not be the person I am.

I have this theory about the world these days.  It seems like we avoid any "negative" emotion at all costs.  We go out of our way to keep from having to experience these feelings that don't necessarily feel good.  And we go to extreme measures to keep our loved ones (especially children) from possibly experiencing them.  And it is this very avoidance that ends up costing us more than we realize.

In an effort to avoid being hungry physically, I've kept myself from feeding so many other "hungers".  I've known for YEARS that I would need to lose a significant amount of weight to have a healthy pregnancy.  My Dr. was willing to help me get pregnant, but I thought it would be selfish to put my child's health at any possible risk.  Not to mention that I would be putting myself at risk as well.  And while I've made some attempts in the past two years, I've never been in this fight whole-heartedly.

And it's not just about babies.

I've said it a million times before.  Even though I'm not looking to be super thin, I also don't want my weight to be a lifetime struggle.  I want to develop a healthy relationship with food.  I don't want to be in love with it.  I don't want to be in my 70's and still freaking out about 10 pounds and forever wishing I were thinner.  And yes, that's based on a real person in my life.  I want to be living!

So, as I sit here and my tummy rumbles, I am grateful.  Hunger is my friend and a reminder that I'm doing something right.  It doesn't hurt, but it's a little uncomfortable...  But not nearly as uncomfortable as trying to squeeze into clothes, feeling eyes on me everywhere I go, trying to fit into booths at restaurants, swollen ankles...  You get the picture.

How has hunger helped you?