Weighing In

Current Weight:  297.7 lbs
Loss:  -6.3 lbs
Total Loss:  -9.5 lbs
Emotion:  Whatever


It's been 8 weeks since my last official weigh in.  So much has been going on, it's kind of crazy.  I wasn't really worried during that time whether or not I was losing weight- I was just trying to keep my pieces together.


When I first got here, 6 weeks ago (WOW), I immediately started working out.  I just wanted to try to make myself feel better, and it worked.  I guess it's endorphins or adrenaline or something to that effect, but I started feeling much stronger.  


The problem is that I was still sad and confused and trying to understand why all of this has happened.  I can admit I got pretty bitter.  I wondered how much I have to go through in one lifetime.  I've already had a horrible childhood among other personal tragedies.  Seems like I've faced enough trials in this short life of mine.  I was having myself a regular pity party over here.  Maybe I still am.


All I know is that I've eaten enough bean and cheese burritos to last me a lifetime.  You see, food is my go to comforter and now that I live in a place that I can eat my childhood favorite, Taco Villa, I've been getting my fill.  Only it doesn't actually make me filled.  It's bad guys.  I'm well aware of it, but as of yet I haven't been able to stop it.  


I need a Taco Villa intervention or something.  I'm working way too hard to keep sabotaging myself this way.


To keep this from being completely negative, just let me say that I'm stoked I hit a milestone of being under 300.  I don't EVER want to go back.  

Back on Track

I can't believe it's only been a week since everything went wonky in my world.  It feels like an eternity.  But you wanna know the good news?  I'm surviving!  I'm even...  Smiling!  I know!

It was a roller coaster week and I swear just about everything that could go wrong Saturday, did.  My attempt to raise some money with a yard sale failed miserably, I got stuck for an extended period of time at my in laws, my a/c broke, and I lost my place to live when I get home.

BUT I woke up yesterday with a good attitude and determination and everything worked itself out.  I'm fully packed with the exception of all of my paperwork which is my project this week.  I'm going to attempt to purge and organize my boxes upon boxes of files.  I horde papers like no ones business.  I've always been afraid to throw anything away, but not anymore!  I'm not taking this clutter with me!

So anyway, I'm writing all of this to tell you that I'm trying to get back on track.  I was able to go to the grocery store this weekend and get some good food.  I'm not going to track my points this week because I just have way too much going on, but I'm going to eat 3 meals a day that are healthy and fall into the good health guidelines.  Plus, I have been doing so much physical activity, I'm pretty sure I'm losing weight.  My jeans are loose this morning!

I just want to thank you again for your support and prayers and well wishes.  They have meant a lot to me!

Oh, and I know I've posted this before, but many of you weren't around back then.  I've been watching it everyday to remind myself that there is so much to be grateful for.

Hunger

When I was a teenager, my dad and step-mom joined Weight Watchers because they both felt that they needed to lose some weight.  And they did.  But that's not the point.  I remember my dad telling me that he liked feeling hungry because it told him that he was doing a good job.  And I thought long and hard about that.  It was the first time I imagined what I had always considered to be a negative feeling as a potentially positive one.

This idea has expanded for me over the years.  I had a pretty turbulent childhood and consequently have felt many emotions that I would consider negative.  At the same time, now that I have some years, and therapy, and perspective under my belt- I can see how these things had a very positive impact on me.  In fact, it is the very struggle that I've experienced that made me as strong as I am today.  Without it, I am sure I would not be the person I am.

I have this theory about the world these days.  It seems like we avoid any "negative" emotion at all costs.  We go out of our way to keep from having to experience these feelings that don't necessarily feel good.  And we go to extreme measures to keep our loved ones (especially children) from possibly experiencing them.  And it is this very avoidance that ends up costing us more than we realize.

In an effort to avoid being hungry physically, I've kept myself from feeding so many other "hungers".  I've known for YEARS that I would need to lose a significant amount of weight to have a healthy pregnancy.  My Dr. was willing to help me get pregnant, but I thought it would be selfish to put my child's health at any possible risk.  Not to mention that I would be putting myself at risk as well.  And while I've made some attempts in the past two years, I've never been in this fight whole-heartedly.

And it's not just about babies.

I've said it a million times before.  Even though I'm not looking to be super thin, I also don't want my weight to be a lifetime struggle.  I want to develop a healthy relationship with food.  I don't want to be in love with it.  I don't want to be in my 70's and still freaking out about 10 pounds and forever wishing I were thinner.  And yes, that's based on a real person in my life.  I want to be living!

So, as I sit here and my tummy rumbles, I am grateful.  Hunger is my friend and a reminder that I'm doing something right.  It doesn't hurt, but it's a little uncomfortable...  But not nearly as uncomfortable as trying to squeeze into clothes, feeling eyes on me everywhere I go, trying to fit into booths at restaurants, swollen ankles...  You get the picture.

How has hunger helped you?

Gaining Perspective

Current Weight:  304.8 lbs
Loss:  +1.4  lbs
Total Loss:  -2.4 lbs
Emotion:  unsurprised


Oh, the excuses...  I'm wearing jeans.  I'm retaining water.  I cheated earlier in the week.  I didn't track this weekend.  You get the picture.


I know exactly how it happened, and I know exactly how to fix it.


I've stayed on plan today and have tracked all day.  I have a meal plan for the week.  I have a bachelorette dinner Saturday night that I'm saving my extra points for.  I'm just going to focus one day at a time, one meal at a time.


Most of all, I'm not going to let this gain make me want to give up.  I've been down that road too many times before.

Top Secret

Que the spy music...

The information I'm about to share with you is strictly confidential.  It is my secret to success...  Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you-

My Daily Meal Plan:

Weight Watchers allows you to eat whatever you want as long as you stay within your points.  If you wanna blow all of your points on Haagen-Dazs, you can.  However, they do have a few Good Health Guidelines that they recommend you follow.  And well folks, I think they're pretty darn smart, so that's where I begin my plan for the week.

Breakfast:     TOTAL 10 pts.
Dairy 1pt.
Fruit 1pt.
Whole Grains and Protein of some fashion 8pts.

Lunch:     TOTAL 11pts.
Dairy (yogurt or pudding) 2pts.
Fruit 1pt.
1 serving of Veggies 0-1pt.
Whole Grains and Lean Protein of some fashion 7-8 pts.

Dinner:     TOTAL 12 pts.
Dairy 1pt.
2 servings of Veggies 0-2 pts.
2 servings of Healthy Oils 2 pts.
Whole Grains and Lean Protein of some fashion 7-9 pts.

Snacks:      TOTAL 3 pts.
Basically whatever floats my boat.  Hummus, Popcorn, Nuts, Cereal...


And that's it in a nutshell.  I pretty much eat the same breakfast and lunch all week but mix up the fruits and veggies for some variety.  I leave the snacks open so I can just eat what sounds good to me that day.  I plan several dinners that fall within my points range and make enough for left overs so I'm not cooking everyday.  Tomorrow I'll share more about what I'm eating for lunch these days!

This message will self-destruct in 10... 9... 8...

Week 1 Weigh-In

Current Weight:  303.4 lbs
Loss:  -3.8 lbs
Total Loss:  -3.8 lbs
Emotion:  Satisfied

It was a rollercoaster of a week.  I'm super glad I lost, but still a little disappointed.  I can't help it!  I know it could have been much more impressive!  I can't change last week, but I can have a better week.  I'm off to a good start!  Especially now that I'm not feeling attached to the toilet!  Sorry.

Oh a different note, it feels a little strange being back in the WW meetings.  I'm not going on my usual Tuesday night, so it's a totally new group of people who think I'm brand new.  However, the leader is the same and she treats me like I've been there forever.  I'm sure it will get better, but I was super uncomfortable tonight.  I'm seriously considering moving to the Tuesday night meeting again.  We'll see.

Does anyone have a kick in the pants to give me?  I need one.

Confession

I really don't want to do this.

I don't want to have to tell you about how far off plan I found myself yesterday.  I don't want to admit to having Burger King and then later two bowls of brown rice with margarine and parmesan cheese.  UGH.

But in an effort to be true to this process and hold myself accountable, I have to come clean.

Why did it happen?

1.  I wasn't prepared the last two days and I think it threw me off.  I didn't have breakfast at all Friday, then ate a very low point lunch from Subway, and then in a moment of frustration and hunger decided to sabotage it all and get Burger King for dinner.  For Pete's Sake!  That's pretty much the WORST place I could have picked to eat.

2.  Because I'm gonna screw up from time to time.  I can give up or I can keep going.

I choose to keep going.

I got up this morning with a new attitude and I've had two good meals and I'm right on target for the day.  My indiscretion may keep me from seeing a loss on the scale Monday, so I'm prepared for that.

I'm approaching next week from a whole new angle.  I've already got a plan!  I will be sharing that with you next week, so stay tuned!

In the meantime, tell me- What are you most likely to break plan for?

A Big Deal

One of my favorite weight-loss blogs is Jack Sh*t, Getting Fit.  Jack is hilarious and straight forward- and I appreciate that.  He regularly does posts like this or this and they crack me up!

A few weeks ago, Jack asked his readers to write their own white notecards about why they want to get fit.  It has turned into a whole series called Why I do this here (W.I.D.T.H.).  I was super excited to visit his blog today and see that my card was featured in his latest post.

And you know what?  It was just the reminder I needed today.  It brought back my motivation.  I started to get really down on myself last night- how surprising!  I had to keep telling myself- "You are trying to change your entire lifestyle!  It's going to be tough and it's not going to be pretty!  Hang in there and keep up the good work."

What is your motivation?

Will Power

I felt it start to give last night.  That little urge.  It was late, and I was still awake and I wanted to eat...

But I wasn't hungry.

So, I wrestled with myself.  I had 2.5 of my daily points left and all 35 of my "bonus" points.  I could easily eat something without technically going off plan.  But that's the rub.  Did I need to eat anything?  No.  I just wanted to eat something.  I kept thinking, "I should be in bed." 

Then I remembered that I had some slices of 2% Swiss Cheese, so I pulled out two and ate them.  I shared some with the dogs.  But I still wasn't satisfied.  Back to the fridge...  I pulled out a container of cream cheese and ate the last remaining tsp.  I wondered "why did we save that with only a tsp of cream cheese left?"  And then I heard, "Go to bed."

So I did.

I got up this morning and figured out my points first thing.  It was miniscule.  I had exhausted my points for the day, plus one.  So now I still have 34 bonus points at my disposal for the week, should I desire to use them.  But I really don't want to.

Once I finished on WW.com, I was running late.  I left the house without my breakfast or lunch, without my water, and in frustration. 

Oh, no!  I'm not going to let this get me down.  Yes, it's a red flag.  I should proceed with caution.  But I'm not going to let last night or this morning ruin this for me.  It's too important.  And I'm doing a good job, darn it!  It doesn't have to be perfect to be good.

So, here's the plan.  I've got some yogurt stashed here at work.  Going to go eat that now.  It's okay that I don't have some whole grain cereal or fruit to mix with it.  Something is way better than nothing.  Then, I'm going to pick up Subway for lunch.  Then I'm going to get a new color and haircut (thanks Taryn) and I'm going to feel good and be happy.  When that's done, I'm headed to the grocery store for a few more things to stash at work so I'm prepared for days like today.

What's your plan?

Let's Get it Started!

Not nearly as bad as I expected it to be!

I'm sorry I'm just now getting around to posting!  I had hoped to get it all up last night, but it didn't happen!

So, I was pretty happy about my 307.2 el bees.  It's only 3 measly pounds heavier than my last WW weigh in on 1-12-10 of 304.2 lbs.  I'd only gained 3 pounds in the last 4 months?!  I'm sorry, but that was very good news to me.

I'm off to a running start today!  Had a good breakfast (greek yogurt and blueberries) and filling lunch (homemade chicken salad sandwich).  I'm not hungry yet!

What did YOU eat today? 

100 in 365

You voted!  I'm listening!

Thank you so much to all of you who voted and gave your input.  I read all of your suggestions, prayed about them, and I think that I've come to a decision.

I'm looking to change my lifestyle, not just go on a diet.  I'm not just wanting to lose a lot of weight real quick.  I'm willing to take my time to make sure that this is a permanent change.  That being said, I also know myself and I do better on a structured program.  I also know that I need some level of accountability to stay on course.  So, for now I am going to join Weight Watchers.  The structure of the program will help me to get used to the lower calories before I make additional changes.

So basically I'm looking at this as a process to make a lasting and profound lifestyle change.  The process is going to go through stages.  I am going to make it a point to make sure that I stay true to this as a lifestyle change and not just a diet.  Clean eating and exercise will become a part of all of this soon!

I had this grand plan to weigh in this morning, take pictures and post everything...  Well, my scale battery was dead.  The battery is one of those watch batteries, so I'll have to wait until tomorrow to replace it!  So look for a post tomorrow night!

Let's Put it to a Vote

I'm kinda stumped guys and I need your help.  As I shared with you here, as of Sunday I am going to be back on the weight loss wagon.  I'm just not exactly sure what wagon I'm going to be on.

I don't really want to join WW and have to pay $40 a month to follow a plan that I already know how to do on my own.  But I wonder if I will stick to it if I'm not going to the meetings.

To further complicate things, I'm really getting into Clean Eating.  It's basically consuming food in its most natural state-- or as close as possible to it.  It's not a diet really, but more of a lifestyle approach to food and its preparation, leading to health, well-being and a lean look. 

I'm wondering if I should possibly combine the WW program and Clean Eating lifestyle to have more structure, or maybe just stick to Clean Eating and control my portion sizes.

Regardless of what I do, I'm pretty well versed on what I should eat (veggies, fruit, lean meats, whole grains, dairy) and what I shouldn't (fried, processed, msg, high fructose corn syrup). 

So it looks like I'm going to need your help.  What do you think I should do?  Vote in the poll on the right hand side of the page.  If you think I should do something else, PLEASE tell me about it in the comments section!

A Lot to Lose

Would you believe me if I said that I think I'm ready to tackle this thing called food/eating/weight?  I wouldn't if I were you...  It seems like I've been down this road too many times, broken too many promises to myself, made progress only to turn around a head back.  It's been quite a battle.  One that I've mostly been losing.

So what makes me so ready now?

In short- because this is the only thing standing in the way of me having a baby.  And I want a baby more than I want anything else in my life.  And I think it's ridiculous that I'm allowing my love of food to keep from something that I will love SO much more!

What is going to be different THIS time?

To be honest, I'm not sure.  For one thing, I will be doing all of the cooking thanks to my husband's new work schedule.  That will allow me to be in control of what's going into the meals and the portion sizes.  For another, I have spiritual motivation and support thanks to the Word of Wisdom.  And finally, there's YOU.  Which means accountability. 

I've been blogging about my weight-loss efforts for several years now and I've always been amazed by the support that my readers give me.  I'm kicking it up a notch now by being a part of several weight-loss blogs.  It's awesome to see how many people are out there trying to achieve what I am.  And many who already have!

So, starting this weekend, I'm kicking off a new series- 100 in 365.  I'm sure you can decipher that my goal will be to lose 100 lbs. in the next year.  I know that sounds like a crazy goal, but at my size, it's actually very realistic.  I plan to weigh in weekly with pictures and measurements.  I will be sharing everything with you- what I'm eating, how I'm doing, and what I'm feeling.  Should make for good reading!

I'm not going to go on some crash or fad diet.  I'm just going to eat less and better, and get some exercise.