I'm making blogs disappear and reappear like David Copperfield these days!
Okay, so maybe I shouldn't have been so open with my feelings here and on Facebook. I wasn't thinking about the potential consequences for my husband. I honestly wasn't concerned about him at all- I mean, he made his bed... It was never my intention to smear his name, I was only reacting out of my extreme pain. In any case, I decided that I probably shouldn't post anything about any of it anymore.
Except, this is my method of release. The last 5 days of my life have been pure hell, and only made worse because I have no way to let it out. Not to mention that I have felt extreme judgment for my decisions and actions.
I can't stay silent any longer. I need to be able to say that I feel betrayed and abandoned. I need to be able to say that I've prayed and prayed and KNOW that I'm making the right decision. I need to be able to admit my fears, broken heart, hope, and faith. Everything that exists in this world was created by God, including pain, sorrow, anger. They serve a purpose. I should be able to express these valid emotions without fear of repercussion.
This isn't my fault. My husband is human and makes mistakes. That doesn't mean I have to repeatedly forgive him especially when he shows no interest in changing his behaviors. (Have I mentioned that he has yet to apologize?) Oh, have I mentioned he tried to throw me out of our home yesterday?
These are REAL things that are REALLY happening in my life right now. I wish I could paint you some fake rosy picture like I've allowed myself to do for far too long. I love him, but I love ME more.
I am thinking about you and want you to know that you are right to do what your gut and every bone in your body is telling you to do without regard for what others think you should do.
ReplyDeleteHang in there!
Hopefully you know that I am not judging you about your decisions. I know that you know what is best for you and you have to do what feels right. I think you seem to be doing the right thing...if you pray and feel one way about something than that is the right thing for you to do. I care about you and hate to see you hurting...I hope that everything continues to work out for you with the move..Best of luck always.
ReplyDeleteSweetie, this is your blog. You write about anything you want. Don't worry about those that don't understand that you need to get things off your chest. I'm sure that most of us here are more than willing to offer you a shoulder to cry on.
ReplyDeleteKeeping you in my prayers.
I am so behind with everyone's blogs, and it looks like some big stuff has been going on in your life. I'm playing catch-up now, but just know that I'm thinking of you and hope that things in your life are on the up & up soon!
ReplyDelete