Broken

I'm not angry.  I'm mostly numb, but surprisingly not angry.  I don't exactly know what I am.  Tired.  Sad.  Defeated?  Determined.  Hopeful.

Without having to spell out all the gory details, I just have to say that I'm back in the exact same position I was a year ago, and three years ago.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, read some archives.  I just don't have the energy to spell it all out.

I know what I have to do this time.  It's time to leave.  I've stayed on a promise of that things would change, help would be sought, and it was always better for a little while.  Until things got comfortable again.  Then it would go back to "normal" and we find ourselves back in this predicament.

I've worked hard over the last years to save my marriage, but I can't do it all by myself.  I can't keep showing up for this.  It's the only way I can take care of myself, and maybe motivate him to do the same.

I know my decision may not be popular with some of the people in my life.  I want you to know that I've been praying about this for a long time.  The easy thing to do would be for me to stay, which is why I always have.

There has been an outpouring of love and support from my family and friends.  I can't begin to express the hope you've given me.  I am a lucky gal.

So for now, I start packing.  I go into survival mode.  I take care of myself.  I probably won't be blogging much, but I promise that I'll be back.