Big Girl Panties

I put them on, and I'm getting over it.

No more feeling sorry for myself. No more sitting around waiting for something to happen. It is so shameful the way I have acted and thought here recently. I have so much to be grateful for. I did some soul searching today and finally decided that it was time to move on.

I opened the windows to let some light in. Put on some music (which is still playing). Got in the kitchen and started cleaning up the mess that has been there for DAYS while I sat here feeling depressed. Sorry for myself if I'm being totally honest (which apparently I am).

Then it started happening. The music started moving me. The sun started soaking in and I started feeling... Happy? Yes, I think so. I even danced. What?!

And that's when my Heavenly Father decided to knock me upside the head. This song started playing:

Well, I knew He was talking to me. I knew that I really needed to LISTEN. I fell to my knees right there, and I just listened. I felt so full of the Spirit. And He was testifying to me.

As the song neared it's end, all of a sudden I felt a shove on my chest. My eyes popped open in shock and Georgie's nose was right in front of mine. I looked into those soulful eyes and I just giggled and cried at the same time.

How do I manage to forget this? How can I take it all for granted? Why am I filled with anything but gratitude?

I really don't know.

So, I got back up off the floor and with big girl panties firmly in place and attitude readjusted, I proceeded to CLEAN the kitchen. And I felt better when I was done. Please don't misunderstand that my world revolves around how clean my house is, but I've found that my surrounds tend to look like the way my insides feel. It needed to be done, and I needed to do it.

P.S. Image searching for "big girl panties" is interesting. You should try it.

Simon Loves You

Friday night, we were invited to an American Idol Karaoke Party at the Mikelson's. I was ecstatic because I felt I had found an answer to my quandry. You see, I have this 30-before-30 list- And one of my goals, #27 to be exact, had me wondering how it would be accomplished since I have no desire to head into a bar...

So, I can scratch #27 off the list! I made a fool of myself singing karaoke in the comfort of our friend's home. And I tell you what, I thought sober karaoke would be really scary, but it was so much FUN! Seriously. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Did I mention that my husband also sang? Holy Canolli- he sure did! It was so stinkin' cute!

And although, there were some naysayers who suggest that I in fact, did NOT actually make a fool of myself because I ended up the "winner"- I'd like to remind you of one rendition in particular:

Beyonce's Irreplaceable

'Nuff Said.

Post Dividers!

This is fun! Check out my new post divider below!

Progress

As of tomorrow, it will officially be two months since I turned 29 and officially declared my 30-before-30 list. Since then, I also posted this blog about checking some items off the list. Since that was back in December, I thought that it was about time for another update!

Totally Complete:

19. Find a creative outlet- maybe rekindle my love of photography.

Photography is going to have to wait until I can afford the camera I want: Canon EOS Rebel T1i. But that's okay because I've found two new outlets. One is crafting a very specific item and the other is digital scrapbooking/blog design. In fact, they are turning into a business venture! That's all I really want to tell you right now other than more info. is coming VERY soon!

23. Make a new friend.

I've actually made a number of new friends in the last two months. I've never met so many women that I can relate to. However, I am thinking about one person in particular. I don't want to name names because I don't want any hurt feelings, but I knew the night I met this one particular woman that we were destined to be great friends. Has that ever happened to you before? Not me. Now, don't get me wrong. I have some WONDERFUL girlfriends who I really WANTED to be friends with from the moment I met them, but this was different. I actually felt in my heart that we were ALREADY friends. I wanted to give it some time to let the friendship develop before I just declared this mission accomplished, but it truly is!


In Progress:

8. Read 30 books.

I'm really going to have to pick up the pace if I'm going to accomplish this goal. I've only finished Eat Pray Love. I'm in the process of reading The Book of Mormon, Say You're One of Them, and a few others. I also have a list of at least 5 other books I want to read next. Three of those book were written by one of my new friends: Marcia Mickelson. (Had to give her a shout out!)

15. Schedule all of my needed Dr. appointments!!! I am so bad about that!

So far, I have already scheduled and had my yearly well woman checkup. I hadn't been to the gyno in almost 2 years, and I had been off the pill for almost a year. I won't go into any more detail, but suffice to say that was a major one that needed to be taken care of. Just have a few more to take care of before I can check it off the list.

Struggling With:

2. Lose 100 pounds- one of the reasons pregnancy probably won't come until the
end of the year (lol)

You all know it, but it's time for me to come clean about it. I had lost over 14 lbs, but have COMPLETELY fallen off the wagon. I am going to blame part of that on a stressful couple of weeks dealing with some family issues, but I have to be honest that I've just lost my drive. I'm trying to get it back together, but I'm struggling.

10. Follow FlyLady's daily routines.

I got started on the 31-day babysteps and got to like day 7 and that was it. Life changed and I didn't know how to adjust my routine, so I fell off of the program, but I am happy to report that sink has mostly stayed shiny. I'm slowly working towards getting back into the groove of things.

20. Watch no more than 1 hour of television a day. I'm just tired of wasting so
much time.

This one is ridiculous. Truly, ridiculous. Here I am complaining about time and yet, I find myself in front of the dumb tv most evenings. Part of the problem (but only a small part) is that the hubs is ALWAYS watching tv. We live in a small apartment with only one tv, which is in the living room, which is basically the only other room besides our bedroom. But nevertheless, I could remove myself from watching it with him if I wanted to. Most of the time I can't stand what he is watching anyway. I just tend to get zapped into to mindlessly watching the glowing box instead of doing whatever else I need/want to be doing.

So that's where I am in this whole 30-before-30 journey. I'm looking forward to possibly scratching two more items of the list this weekend! Are there any goals you've complete, are in progress, or you're struggling with? Any advice for me? Please, do tell! (I'm thinking about paying you for comments, or at least following me!) :)

Photo is from flickr.

Huh?!

"So... A new blog name. Really? Why?"

Hmmm, good question. And there really is a good answer, but it's a bit of a story. Care to listen?

Back in 2005, I joined Myspace and started blogging there. I didn't know what I was doing, but I just used it as a way to keep my family informed and also to express myself. There was no rhyme or reason, no structure, but I loved it. Back in the summer of '08, I started blogging about my weight loss attempts and found it thrilling. It was cathartic for me and I got so much support from my friends through the blog. I was hooked.

About the same time, two things happened:

1. Myspace was being replaced by Facebook.
2. I discovered Blogger.

So without doing any research as to how start a blog- I set out and failed miserably at two blogs. No catchy name, no real "theme", no consistency... They sucked.

Then one more thing happened: My marriage was failing. Cue- The Love Dare. We saw Fireproof, I went and bought the book, and with some online research saw that many couples were blogging about their experiences. Hence, La Vida Ledesma was born.

I had a name, I had a theme, I had consistency- I had a successful blog! But then, it wasn't really about the blog. I worked hard to finish that 40-day Love Dare. It was tough, but so worth it. Through that process, I actually learned so much about myself and I had a spiritual breakthrough. But eventhough it was amazing for me, my husband felt differently about it. In the end, it didn't have the desired effect on our marriage and within months we separated.

That's when the bottom dropped out for me folks. I was so broken, but at the same time this resolve emerged. I was determined to pull myself out of that hole and emerge a stronger person than I've ever been.

I abandoned La Vida Ledesma and started a new blog. Butterflying Brandi was my attempt to get my stuff together. You can read about the meaning behind the name here. And it was incredibly therapeutic to write about what I was doing, experiencing, learning. This amazing thing happened:

When I started working on myself (instead of my marriage) the marriage just started working itself out. Isn't that wierd? I learned alot from that. Made me see just how much of a role I played in our problems. I don't want to make it sounds like I'm the only one who needed to do work, it's not like that at all. But what I found is that it was okay for me to make the first steps. I didn't have to worry about him or us. I just needed to worry about me.

And then an even more amazing thing happened which you can read about here. We had no clue or plan to find our faith when we did, but isn't that how all the great things in life happen? Reading the Scriptures, praying, and sharing the gospel bring us closer in ways that I couldn't have fathomed before. Of course, we continue to have our struggles, but I've been amazed that we remain diligent about our faith and focusing on better ourselves- we seem to resolve our issues.

But the most amazing thing of all that has happened to me (and I'm getting to the end, I promise) is personal revelation. My entire life view has shifted. Which sounds major (and it is) but at the same time it had to happen with all of this newly found knowledge.

My blog tagline was "I'm on a journey. I don't know where it ends, but I know it begins with me." Now I know that isn't true. I KNOW where that journey ends but I won't get there until I'm dead. It didn't begin with me either, but I am on a journey for sure. I also realized that I'm never going to reach perfection in this lifetime, but that's ok. I can be happy and imperfect. But that doesn't mean I should also just be content the way I am. I should always be striving to improve. I found this quote last week that perfectly sums up what I've been feeling.

"Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb." -Winston Churchill

Thanks to Miley, "the climb" is a pretty cheesy idea these days, but stop and think about what that really means. Yes, our journey will eventually end, but not while we are alive. As long as there is blood pumping through my veins and a thought in my brain, I will have room to improve.

I don't know about you, but that is incredibly freeing to me. That I don't have to meet some deadline (no pun intended). And I will fail. I will not be perfect. But that is part of the process.

So, that's why this blog is titled: La Vida Subida. Roughly translated, it means Life's Climb. If you were to put it into a translator it would also come up with Life Increase, which I like too. Plus it goes well with La Vida Ledesma which is making a comeback with a fresh voice soon.

I did it!

I made the layout and header all by myself! I'm not all that happy with it, but it feels good to have created it myself.

See, What Had Happened Was...

I'm not really sure where to begin. I left the blog months ago without much of an explanation. So, I guess I just need to begin there.

In August of 2009, Xavier and I separated. It was all based on one particular event that I really don't want to go into detail about. You can read about it here. As a result, I felt this determination to take the focus off the marriage and turn it to myself. I had just spent months working on The Love Dare, and what I had realized is that it wasn't enough. So, I set off on a new journey- one that is still in progress which you can read about here.

If you've been following my blogs for a while, you'll notice that I've once again changed the blog title from Butterflying Brandi to La Vida Subida. (You'll find the explanation at the new blog)

But I'll get back on track. Basically I spent the next 3 months focused on taking care of myself, and the relationship started to repair itself. We both realized that we had a lot of work to do, but we wanted to do it. We wanted to save our marriage.

We reunited in Salt Lake City, Halloween weekend which also started a brand new journey that weekend without realizing it. As a result, we have since converted and are now member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. You can read all about that here.

Xavier was sent home shortly after my visit and it gave us the opportunity to work on us face-to-face. It hasn't been perfect, but we are still a work in progress. Our faith has strengthened us in a way that I really can't explain. I feel closer to him that I've ever felt before.

As of today, everything is stable. We're both working. We're both happy. We're both healthy. We're both ready to move forward. Which is where the blog comes in. As we continue to move forward, we are going to be sharing our combined experiences here.

That's right! Xavier's voice will soon be a part of your reading experience!

We're excited!