Check It Out!

It's my new blog!

I'm moving!!!  My blog that is.  Please come check it out!

It felt like time for a fresh start.

I've already posted my first post and I think it's a pretty good one.  I feel great about it and things are looking up for me!

If you're a follower here, my new blog is wordpress so you'll have to sign up for email updates or add me to google reader or something.  I hope that you'll continue reading!

Shaved Legs

I shaved my legs for the first time in two months today.  Not the most monumental development, I know but hear me out.

I've been feeling lighter lately.  Happier.  I'm still dealing with divorce drama and trying to find a job and trying to figure out how to be okay, but all of that is just a little bit easier all of a sudden.  I don't know when or how, but I turned a corner recently.

And I felt like shaving my legs.  Not for anyone else, for me.  I felt like taking care of myself and feeling good.  Now, that is progress in my book.

Thankful Thursday

It's been too long since I've made a Thankful Thursday list. 

I haven't been feeling so thankful for too long.  I've felt pretty angry about what I've been dealt in life.  And for some, it's understandable.  This isn't a feel sorry for me post so I'm not going into detail, but it's safe to say that my trials started at a young age and there's been many.  It's easy to look at others lives and wonder why they have it so easy and why I've had it so hard.  But I know that's the fastest way to never feel satisfied with anything.

So gratitude needs to be a daily decision- I'm going to start today.  I'm thankful for-

*  A Heavenly Father who knows me, loves me, challenges me and never gives up on me.
*  For the Atonement of Jesus Christ who suffered every pain any of us will ever feel in the Garden of Gesthemane.
*  For the Holy Spirit who fills me with light and truth, who lets me know I'm not alone.
*  For my sisters.  It's such a special bond- sisterhood.  I'm lucky to have 4 "little" sisters in my life.  They lift me up, make me laugh until I need to pee, bring out my mama bear, keep me real, and dry my tears.
*  For my family.  We're a rag tag dysfunctional bunch, but there's a whole lot of love and forgiveness.  I don't even know how to summarize what I feel for all of these people, but I am truly blessed!
*  For my friends.  You know, devastation truly lets you know who your friends are.  The ones that dare to ask how you are and want to know an honest answer.  Who check in and see through the mask.  Who give as much as they get.  I've said it before and I'll say it again- I'll take quality over quantity anyday.
*  For memories.  To remind me that this too shall pass.
*  For safety.  I have a shelter and food to eat and even if it takes me a while to find a job I know that I will be okay.
*For health.  This is not a doing of my own, for a long time I worked against my own health but I've been lucky to not have any serious issues to contend with.
* For choices.  I'm grateful for agency in my life even when I am affected by other's freedom to choose.
* For Xavier and our marriage.  This is a fake it til you make it one.  I know there's something to be grateful for there, I'm just not finding it yet.  I'm going to keep trying.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving with loved ones.

Closure

I woke up yesterday morning from a terrible dream about Xavier and I.  It made me realize all of the fears and feelings that I've been pushing down.  That I haven't been dealing with- that I've been trying to move past by ignoring.  I guess it doesn't really work that way.

So, I started a conversation with him over text messages that he eventually stopped responding to.  And then I cried off and on all day.  It was a mess.

I think what I'm missing is closure.  I mean, the divorce isn't even final yet but there are still so many open wounds and questions.  How did this happen?  What went wrong?  How am I EVER going to believe in marriage again?

I think I work things out in my dreams because I woke up today with some clarity.  I wasn't happy.  I hadn't been for some time thanks to everything that had been happening between us.  But I still had hope.  I was trying, working, praying, believing that we could change our circumstances.  I thought so because I believed that we wanted the same things.  That we loved each other.

I feel used.  Because he's been checked out of the marriage for years but just hanging on to me for comfort. He doesn't want to be alone.  He wanted a home and the comfort I brought to him, but not the responsibilities of being a husband.  He refused to communicate to the point of never being able to reach him- even though his friends could always get in touch with him.  He refused to be giving to me often completely ignoring significant times for me- like my 30th birthday.  When given rare opportunity to spend time with me, he would choose his friends instead.

I mean, COME ON.  All of the signs were there.  So WHY did he keep me around?  Why did he have me move back home?  Why did he keep insisting that he wanted me only to treat me like crap?  Why did he let me believe that we were going to start a family only to turn around and say that he wasn't ready?

He was using me.

He never should have married me.  He was already looking outside of our marriage before we ever said I do.  I was deceived from the very beginning.  It makes me question every feeling I've ever had about him.  I can't hang on to any good memories because there is an underlying question about what was real and what wasn't.  THE LAST 7 YEARS OF MY LIFE HAVE BEEN WASTED!

I can't go back and change it.  All I can do is learn and accept and move forward.  I can't imagine ever being able to trust someone again.  I can't imagine wanting to set myself for this kind of pain again.

I shouldn't have let him keep sucking me in again.  I knew deep down that he was no good.  He didn't start out that way, but it didn't take him long to get there.  Oh sure, he's a charmer.  That's how he reels you in- acting like a big ole teddy bear.  But it's a facade.

I know this is all over the place, but I guess if I can take anything away from this disaster it would be to trust my gut and be strong enough to walk away before I let a relationship ruin my life again.  It's possible that I'll never  have that chance, but I'm determined to not let him steal the joy from my life like he has for too long now.

Just Keep Swimming

I left Corpus Christi a week ago.  It was also our 5th Anniversary.

I've been in another world ever since.  Unpacking, applying for jobs, driving back and forth from Post to Lubbock.  I feel like I'm just floating right now.  I'm living in someone else's home and living someone else's life.  That's how it feels.

I've been here before- this "in-between" space.  I always hate it, but I know that it's necessary.  I just have to endure it.  It's not all bad, but I just can't seem to feel happy yet.  I have faith that I will again.

Stronger

I've heard over and over again that I'm so strong.  That I'm handling everything so well.  "If it was me..."

I haven't been so sure.  I can stay calm most of the time, but inside I feel like a little war is raging.  It's a constant battle to remember the good in the world and not let every negative thought/feeling/whim take over.  I'm never really trying to hide it from anyone but it seems like it's easy to keep a handle on in front of other people.  When I'm home alone- not so easy.

Time is probably part of the answer because I DO feel stronger today.  The past week has been crazy and there's been lots of stress but right now almost everything is packed and I'm resting up to load everything tomorrow.  And I feel somehow stronger.

Last week I saw Kelly Clarkson performing a song from her new album, Stronger,  on The View and I have since fallen in love with it.  It feels like the soundtrack to my life right now.  One song in particular feels like it could have been written for me.  I know what I'll be listening to on the road Friday!

Bedroom Inspiration

Okay, this is a really random post considering everything that's going on right now.  But I happened to be flipping through the new Ikea catalog this morning and came across this picture...  And it spoke to me.  Charcoal, pink, taupe?  Um, yes please!  Wow, I love.

I love the textures!  I love the shine!  It's moody, it's feminine, it's kinda romantic but also sophisticated!

I'm going to need new bed linens eventually and I know exactly what direction I'm headed in...  Gives me something to look forward to!

Now.

Wednesday evening, I was headed to bed when I got a call from my cousin.  She asked me to come over- her mom needed me.  My Aunt, who was recently started a new round of chemo, was in severe pain and wanted to go to the ER.  So we packed up and went.  When they called her in to do paperwork, she started vomiting and they rushed us in to a room.  It was horrible, but kinda lucky because we probably would have been waiting hours otherwise.

They determined that she had a stomach virus and was severely dehydrated.  The pain is being caused by her enlarged liver.  So they admitted her to get her back in tip top shape.  That night she was talking about dying and how she wanted me to come pick some things out that I might want.  I told her that I couldn't do it.  I would cherish anything she wanted me to have, but I couldn't just walk around her house and make a list.

Friday started out fine but by that evening I wasn't feeling very well.  Not sick as much as tired, so I went to bed early.  I woke up around 11pm and as soon as I sat up, I knew I was in trouble.  I proceeded to projectile vomit ALL over the bathroom.  It was horrible.  Nightmare scene...  I was up for hours.  Looks like I picked up the stomach virus.

I spent most of yesterday in bed with a fever.  I felt so bloated but luckily not nauseous anymore.  Woke up this morning feeling much better tummy wise- just VERY sore.  My ribs, neck and back are achy and stiff, but I can handle that.  I finally ate a bowl of soup, so I'm definitely recovering.  But these past fews days have really set me back.  I was going to spend those days crocheting all day at work and packing at home in the evening.  I haven't had the strength to do anything.  Not to mention, I really couldn't afford to miss two days of work.

I was talking to my mom earlier and crying my eyes out.  I just cant understand why all of this is happening now.  Everytime I start to get positive and excited and happy, something else happens.  What does it all mean?!

My mom said, "It doesn't mean a damn thing.  That's just life!  Don't go trying to figure it all out because there is no reason.  Just feel what you gotta feel."  She went on to tell me that there's always hope in every situation and she wants me to feel excited about my future and the coming New Year.  She just wants me to focus on myself.

So, that's what I'm gonna do.

Why?

I'm really hesitant to write this post.  Which is why I really think it needs to be written.  I've had thoughts going through my mind like, I just wrote a negative post and I don't want people to think that I'm just wallowing...  Maybe I should write something upbeat first and then write this post.

BUT here's the thing.  I don't write this for other people.  I write for myself.  And this is honestly what I'm feeling right now and I need to get it out.

I'm feeling pretty devastated today.  I'm trying not to feel that way, but I just do.  So, I'm going to give myself permission to feel this way for a little while.  I need to feel it.  This is devastating.  It's going to be hard to leave my dogs behind until I get on my feet.  Spending Christmas without him is going to be depressing.

I have the boxes, but I haven't packed a single thing.  It's not because I've changed my mind or don't want a divorce.  I don't know, I guess I just don't want any of this.  I want to rewind and have none of this ever happen.  I like my life.  I like my home.  I don't want it all to change!  But it already has, and whether I wanted it or not- I have to deal with it.

This line of thinking inevitably leads to the question- Why?  I'm a being who feels a strong need to always answer the question Why.  It drives people crazy at times, I know.  I feel a deep need to understand things.  When I can't understand them, it makes me anxious and unsettled.  I'm a researcher and analyzer by nature.

If there's anything I've had to learn in the past 31 years, it's that there isn't always an answer to the question why...  Or at least not an immediate one.  I may have to wait a long time for some understanding.  Even then, I may never fully understand- but I hope that I will someday.

For now, I have to start packing.  I have to start letting go.  I have to focus on right now.

Partners

Yesterday was rough.

I had lunch with one of my sister-in-laws so naturally we had only one thing to really talk about.  She asked me if there was ANY way I thought that we could work it out...  Trust me, it would be a WHOLE lot easier right now if I thought we could.  It makes me feel guilty to say no, there's no chance.  It doesn't feel natural to me.  I'm the eternal optimist- I always think we can work things out!  BUT the issue is that there is no WE, it's me who's always doing all of the work- so nothing ever gets better.

So, I left that meal feeling pretty depressed.

Later that evening, I had an issue come up with one of our dogs.  I was panicked and without thinking, I picked up the phone to call him.  When he answered, I realized what I was doing but it was too late.  He couldn't really help me anyway.  So I took care of it by myself.  After things calmed down, it hit me- I was losing my partner.

Not that I couldn't do it by myself, or that I wanted someone to do it for me.  The point is that I realized that I'm losing the person who would have been WITH me.  I guess it's the first time that's hit me because it hit really hard.  I did that really hard mourning cry for a little while and then it passed.

I guess it's going to be like that.  I'm not going to mourn the loss all at one time.  It's going to be a series of things.  Lots of little things that made up our life together.  It's like tearing your soul away from anothers.  All the little seams start to rip apart.  It hurts so much, you can only stand a little at a time.

When people talked about how painful divorce is, I always thought it was all of the fighting.  Lawyers, money, anger...  No, it's so much more than that.  It really is a physical, emotional, and spiritual pain.  Love and marriage are not something I will take lightly ever again.

Respect in Retrospect

I filed for divorce yesterday.

I met up with him in the morning to go over the paperwork and give him the citation and answer forms since I wasn't having him served.  We're trying to do all of this without attorneys and such.

He was in a horrible mood and it didn't take long for things to escalate when he started bringing up how horribly I had treated him over the years.  It was pretty ugly and once he calmed down, he sincerely apologized.  I knew most of what he said was an exaggeration, but there was one comment that stuck.

He said that he was still in love with me and I disagreed.  I can't see how he could be in love with me and be sleeping with another woman.  He said that he just didn't respect me.  And it rang so true.

But how did that happen?  WHEN did that happen?  Did he EVER respect me?  The more I thought about it, I started to realize that I'm not sure he ever did.  And in return, I'm not sure I've had respect for him in a long time.

The first time I found out about his infidelities, we had only been married a month.  I know I lost a decent amount of respect at that point.  But over time I gained some back only to lose it again when the next set of infidelities were discovered.  It happened again and again but each time I think my respect dwindled more.  I would honestly push myself to trust and respect him because the survival of our marriage depended on it.

If he had any respect for me in the beginning, how could he have gone and done those things in the months before our wedding?  Why on earth did he even marry me?  It doesn't make any sense!

I'm going to make something perfectly clear.  I AM NOT PERFECT.  I was not a dream wife.  I can totally take responsibility for my iniquities- one of the reasons I stuck around so long.  BUT I never did anything so horrible to him that would remotely justify what I've had to endure over the past 5 years.  Period.

At the end of the day, we ALWAYS have choices.  No matter how horrible someone is treating us, or how hard our life is- we are responsible for what we choose to do with ourselves.  I'm not going to take responsibility for his choices anymore.

Lubbock it is

Last week my mother and step-father were in town visiting.  I had just pretty much made my mind up that I was going to move forward with going to Lubbock.  The fact is that I really don't have anywhere to live here in Corpus Christi- at least not until I can afford it.  I couldn't find anyone to live with that wasn't a stranger (too many bad experiences down that road).  So, it was like there really wasn't a decision at all.

Then my parents dropped a bomb on me- they are moving back to Corpus Christi after my step-brother graduates in May.  Since he's headed off to the Navy, already enlisted!, they finally made the decision to come back.  Then it wasn't so clear cut.  At that point, I felt like I HAD to stay put.

The same night, I spoke with my Uncle and his wife (I have a hard time calling her my aunt because we are so close in age and good friends).  They said that I could stay with them in Post, TX until I got on my feet.  That takes away a big portion of the gas issue because it's much closer to Lubbock than Spur.  And it re-energized my desire to be in Lubbock.

Fast forward a few days and the next bomb dropped- my aunt, who finished her last round of chemo in mid-September got the results of her latest scan.  Her lung cancer had spread to her liver and more within her lungs.  They basically told her that her bone marrow has already taken a beating.  They don't think they will be able to cure her cancer.  They are just going to prolong her life by treatment until her body can't take it anymore.

Then I really felt like I had to stay.

I've been praying this entire time for guidance and courage.  I hadn't felt like I knew what to do yet.  I could tell that at least subconciously, a part of me really wanted to be in Lubbock.  When I thought about staying here, it just didn't feel like the right thing to do.  I realized I felt more excited when I thought about my future in Lubbock than I did when I thought about my future in Corpus Christi.  But I didn't know what the RIGHT things to do was yet.

Until I had breakfast with my mom Saturday morning.  I was expressing to her my feelings about it all and she stopped me short by saying that I needed to do what was best for ME for once.  And I could feel that this was my answer.  

I'm letting alot of people down by leaving Corpus Christi- my sister, my aunt, my parents, my friends.  It feels like a selfish decision to leave them behind, but sometimes in life we just have to put ourselves first.  I know I need this to put myself back together and hopefully come out of this with grace and confidence.

Today I start packing and looking for a job.  I have no idea what the future holds, but I feel hopeful and excited and a little bit scared- but I'm focusing on the hope.

Restless

Woke up early this morning and I'm feeling restless.  Like I need to DO something.

Got some news yesterday that knocked my socks off.  My aunt who just recently finished chemo and radiation for a very small tumor they found in her lung back in June recently had another scan.  Turns out the cancer has already spread to her liver and she has more in her lungs.  The last scan came back completely clear.  She has small cell carcinoma which is the most aggressive form of cancer- caused by smoking.

Her bone marrow has already taken a beating, so basically they are going to treat her until her body can't take it anymore.

I'm sad.  I'm confused.  I don't know what to say.  The only thing I can do is pray.

What next?

I'm writing this post mainly as a way for me to get it all out there and hopefully help make a decision, but if you happen to have an opinion or some advice, I'd love to hear it.

Lubbock or Corpus Christi?  That is the question.

Let's start with Corpus Christi since I'm already here:
Pros-

• My sister and aunt live here
• I have some great friends here
• I have a job
• It would make continuing my business (Twisted Sisters Crochet) with my sister easier
• My mom and step-dad would probably visit more frequently since they have other friends and family here.

Cons-

• I would be near him which makes me feel uneasy.
• The cost of living is higher so I don't think I could live on my own.
• Which means I'd probably have to look for another job anyway and the new job probably won't let me crochet all day.
• I don't have anyone to take me in while I get on my feet.
• I don't really like it here- haven't really wanted to live here for a while now.

And now for Lubbock...
Pros-

• I have a sister and lots of family there.  It's where I grew up.
• My closest friends live there.
• Cost of living is lower, would be more manageable on my own.
• I can stay with my grandparents while I get on my feet.
• I can help my grandparents.
• I love it there.  I've wanted to move home for a long time.  
• I wouldn't be anywhere near him.

Cons-

• I have to find a job
• Brit and I will have to do all of our Twisted Sisters stuff long distance.
• I probably won't have a job where I can crochet all day which is going to impact the business.
• I'm less likely to have my Mom and Step-dad visit.
• My grandparents live an hour outside of Lubbock so I will be driving two hours a day which will easily be $100 in gas a week/$400 a month which is basically rent.  Meaning I won't be able to do it for long.

I guess the question really is whether I should be cautious and stay where I am (eventhough I'm not sure I will have anywhere to live by the beginning of November) or take the risk and go where I really want to go but don't have a job yet and will have the additional costs of moving and storing my things until I can get out on my own.

For now, I am going to ACT on both.  I'm going to look for jobs in both cities and start packing.  I'm going to keep praying about it and hopefully the right path will reveal itself to me!

Warrior

Image from Pinterest

Woke up feeling energetic and peaceful after finally getting a good night's rest.  Still eating better and taking better care of myself.

You say that you realize now that I didn't deserve what you did to me.  You say that you can't bear to sell your ring eventhough you need the money.  You say that you aren't trying to win be back and that you know it's over- so please stop lingering around when you come to pick stuff up.  Stop making up reasons to call.  Stop trying to get me to tell you what I'm doing and where I am.  Please, for your sake as much as mine, please start letting go.

Baby Steps

There aren't many things that I have control over right now.  Not that I'm interested in being in control, it's just that I sort of feel like I'm in the middle of a whirlwind with nothing to hold on to.  So I picked something that I could use to steady myself and feel like I'm moving in the right direction.

I absolutely have control over how I take care of myself.  I can hang on to that.  I can focus on that and start moving in a positive direction.

So I woke up early, ate a bowl of oatmeal and an apple.  I packed a healthy lunch for work.  I took a long, hot, and much needed shower.  Now I'm going to fix my hair and put on makeup for the first time in too long.

I know it may seem superficial, but it's a place to start.

D-Day

It's been 48 hours since he told me that he was sleeping with another woman, since I told him that we had to file for divorce because after nearly 5 years of marriage I had no idea how I could ever trust him again.

It's been 24 hours since he told me all about her and what they did and how much better she was, since it became real, since I really started to grieve.

It's been an hour since I last found myself on my knees, screaming and crying for God to "Help me Please!," since I last wondered how I was going to survive.

But I was filled with comfort and I knew that I was going to be okay.

The Right of Way

I had a little epiphany the other day driving to work.  I find myself to be a yielding kind of person- aware of my surroundings, considerate of those around me, but mostly cautious.  Not everyone is like this.  Some people refuse to yield to anyone except maybe in imminent danger.  This is a fascinating concept to me.  I don't necessarily want to be that type of person, but maybe there is some kind of balance to strike?

Some recent events in my life have left me feeling totally powerless- at the mercy of those in my life.  Why do I let that happen?  I'm sad to have to admit that it's mostly fear.  And honestly, that makes me kind of angry with myself.  Why am I giving away all of the control?  Why am I not making my dreams come true?  Why am I compromising EVERYTHING.

It has to stop.  I can't do this anymore.  I'm going to try something new and maybe I will finally see the change that I've wanted for so long.  I'll fake it til I make it.

Everything's Okay

It really is.

Spiritual Crisis

Almost a year ago, something within me snapped.  I can't believe it's taken me this long to process and understand it, and maybe I still don't really.  Maybe I never will fully understand.

I had been experiencing one of the greatest spiritual moments of my life when I started detecting trouble.  I felt a shift in my home.  Knew my husband was pulling away from me.  He wouldn't pray or read the scriptures with me.  He wouldn't share his testimony with me.  I felt prompted to action.  I had the missionaries over to talk about it, but was only criticized for being a hard person to be married to.

I questioned my instincts and decided to leave it alone.  To just accept and wait, but I couldn't help feeling that something was wrong.  Within months, I was made aware that I had a reason to worry.  That my instincts had been correct, that something was indeed very wrong.

And something happened inside of me.  Everything I thought I knew, thought I believed, somehow dissolved. I felt like I had been duped by the spiritual leader of my family.  That he was pretending to believe something while he acted out something very different away from church.  It made me question everything.  But most of all, I felt completely abandoned.  I felt like the church was more interested in helping and protecting him than it was me.

In the months that we were apart, repairing ourselves- I didn't try to make myself believe anything.  I tried to let it all sort itself out within me.  Tried to remove my beliefs from the conviction of others- of my husbands.  I wanted to make sure my testimony was mine all mine.  And slowly, bit by bit, I was able to form a new testimony.

But I still felt hurt.  Still do.  I know I shouldn't, but I haven't figured out how to make sense of it all.

I love my husband and we have worked hard to repair the broken parts of our marriage.  We have emerged stronger.  I have managed to forgive him and have done my part to make this right.  This isn't an attempt to dredge up old hurt feelings about him.  I just need to get this stuff out.  I can never talk to anyone about these things.

What I want is to feel that connection I had a year ago.  I want it more than anything, but I wonder if I will ever find it again.