Why?

I'm really hesitant to write this post.  Which is why I really think it needs to be written.  I've had thoughts going through my mind like, I just wrote a negative post and I don't want people to think that I'm just wallowing...  Maybe I should write something upbeat first and then write this post.

BUT here's the thing.  I don't write this for other people.  I write for myself.  And this is honestly what I'm feeling right now and I need to get it out.

I'm feeling pretty devastated today.  I'm trying not to feel that way, but I just do.  So, I'm going to give myself permission to feel this way for a little while.  I need to feel it.  This is devastating.  It's going to be hard to leave my dogs behind until I get on my feet.  Spending Christmas without him is going to be depressing.

I have the boxes, but I haven't packed a single thing.  It's not because I've changed my mind or don't want a divorce.  I don't know, I guess I just don't want any of this.  I want to rewind and have none of this ever happen.  I like my life.  I like my home.  I don't want it all to change!  But it already has, and whether I wanted it or not- I have to deal with it.

This line of thinking inevitably leads to the question- Why?  I'm a being who feels a strong need to always answer the question Why.  It drives people crazy at times, I know.  I feel a deep need to understand things.  When I can't understand them, it makes me anxious and unsettled.  I'm a researcher and analyzer by nature.

If there's anything I've had to learn in the past 31 years, it's that there isn't always an answer to the question why...  Or at least not an immediate one.  I may have to wait a long time for some understanding.  Even then, I may never fully understand- but I hope that I will someday.

For now, I have to start packing.  I have to start letting go.  I have to focus on right now.