What next?

I'm writing this post mainly as a way for me to get it all out there and hopefully help make a decision, but if you happen to have an opinion or some advice, I'd love to hear it.

Lubbock or Corpus Christi?  That is the question.

Let's start with Corpus Christi since I'm already here:
Pros-

• My sister and aunt live here
• I have some great friends here
• I have a job
• It would make continuing my business (Twisted Sisters Crochet) with my sister easier
• My mom and step-dad would probably visit more frequently since they have other friends and family here.

Cons-

• I would be near him which makes me feel uneasy.
• The cost of living is higher so I don't think I could live on my own.
• Which means I'd probably have to look for another job anyway and the new job probably won't let me crochet all day.
• I don't have anyone to take me in while I get on my feet.
• I don't really like it here- haven't really wanted to live here for a while now.

And now for Lubbock...
Pros-

• I have a sister and lots of family there.  It's where I grew up.
• My closest friends live there.
• Cost of living is lower, would be more manageable on my own.
• I can stay with my grandparents while I get on my feet.
• I can help my grandparents.
• I love it there.  I've wanted to move home for a long time.  
• I wouldn't be anywhere near him.

Cons-

• I have to find a job
• Brit and I will have to do all of our Twisted Sisters stuff long distance.
• I probably won't have a job where I can crochet all day which is going to impact the business.
• I'm less likely to have my Mom and Step-dad visit.
• My grandparents live an hour outside of Lubbock so I will be driving two hours a day which will easily be $100 in gas a week/$400 a month which is basically rent.  Meaning I won't be able to do it for long.

I guess the question really is whether I should be cautious and stay where I am (eventhough I'm not sure I will have anywhere to live by the beginning of November) or take the risk and go where I really want to go but don't have a job yet and will have the additional costs of moving and storing my things until I can get out on my own.

For now, I am going to ACT on both.  I'm going to look for jobs in both cities and start packing.  I'm going to keep praying about it and hopefully the right path will reveal itself to me!

Warrior

Image from Pinterest

Woke up feeling energetic and peaceful after finally getting a good night's rest.  Still eating better and taking better care of myself.

You say that you realize now that I didn't deserve what you did to me.  You say that you can't bear to sell your ring eventhough you need the money.  You say that you aren't trying to win be back and that you know it's over- so please stop lingering around when you come to pick stuff up.  Stop making up reasons to call.  Stop trying to get me to tell you what I'm doing and where I am.  Please, for your sake as much as mine, please start letting go.

Baby Steps

There aren't many things that I have control over right now.  Not that I'm interested in being in control, it's just that I sort of feel like I'm in the middle of a whirlwind with nothing to hold on to.  So I picked something that I could use to steady myself and feel like I'm moving in the right direction.

I absolutely have control over how I take care of myself.  I can hang on to that.  I can focus on that and start moving in a positive direction.

So I woke up early, ate a bowl of oatmeal and an apple.  I packed a healthy lunch for work.  I took a long, hot, and much needed shower.  Now I'm going to fix my hair and put on makeup for the first time in too long.

I know it may seem superficial, but it's a place to start.

D-Day

It's been 48 hours since he told me that he was sleeping with another woman, since I told him that we had to file for divorce because after nearly 5 years of marriage I had no idea how I could ever trust him again.

It's been 24 hours since he told me all about her and what they did and how much better she was, since it became real, since I really started to grieve.

It's been an hour since I last found myself on my knees, screaming and crying for God to "Help me Please!," since I last wondered how I was going to survive.

But I was filled with comfort and I knew that I was going to be okay.

The Right of Way

I had a little epiphany the other day driving to work.  I find myself to be a yielding kind of person- aware of my surroundings, considerate of those around me, but mostly cautious.  Not everyone is like this.  Some people refuse to yield to anyone except maybe in imminent danger.  This is a fascinating concept to me.  I don't necessarily want to be that type of person, but maybe there is some kind of balance to strike?

Some recent events in my life have left me feeling totally powerless- at the mercy of those in my life.  Why do I let that happen?  I'm sad to have to admit that it's mostly fear.  And honestly, that makes me kind of angry with myself.  Why am I giving away all of the control?  Why am I not making my dreams come true?  Why am I compromising EVERYTHING.

It has to stop.  I can't do this anymore.  I'm going to try something new and maybe I will finally see the change that I've wanted for so long.  I'll fake it til I make it.

Everything's Okay

It really is.

Spiritual Crisis

Almost a year ago, something within me snapped.  I can't believe it's taken me this long to process and understand it, and maybe I still don't really.  Maybe I never will fully understand.

I had been experiencing one of the greatest spiritual moments of my life when I started detecting trouble.  I felt a shift in my home.  Knew my husband was pulling away from me.  He wouldn't pray or read the scriptures with me.  He wouldn't share his testimony with me.  I felt prompted to action.  I had the missionaries over to talk about it, but was only criticized for being a hard person to be married to.

I questioned my instincts and decided to leave it alone.  To just accept and wait, but I couldn't help feeling that something was wrong.  Within months, I was made aware that I had a reason to worry.  That my instincts had been correct, that something was indeed very wrong.

And something happened inside of me.  Everything I thought I knew, thought I believed, somehow dissolved. I felt like I had been duped by the spiritual leader of my family.  That he was pretending to believe something while he acted out something very different away from church.  It made me question everything.  But most of all, I felt completely abandoned.  I felt like the church was more interested in helping and protecting him than it was me.

In the months that we were apart, repairing ourselves- I didn't try to make myself believe anything.  I tried to let it all sort itself out within me.  Tried to remove my beliefs from the conviction of others- of my husbands.  I wanted to make sure my testimony was mine all mine.  And slowly, bit by bit, I was able to form a new testimony.

But I still felt hurt.  Still do.  I know I shouldn't, but I haven't figured out how to make sense of it all.

I love my husband and we have worked hard to repair the broken parts of our marriage.  We have emerged stronger.  I have managed to forgive him and have done my part to make this right.  This isn't an attempt to dredge up old hurt feelings about him.  I just need to get this stuff out.  I can never talk to anyone about these things.

What I want is to feel that connection I had a year ago.  I want it more than anything, but I wonder if I will ever find it again.