Day 13- Love fights fair

If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. --Mark 3:25

Today's Dare:

Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to "fight" by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

If your spouse participated with you, what was their response? What rules did you write for yourself?

Once again, it took me several days to complete this dare. We should have had the conversation on Friday, but it didn't happen until tonight. I am now a full week behind where I should be, but I am really not worried about rushing through all of this.

Havie and I had a conversation tonight. He was very wary- I guess wondering why I was doing this now. (Especially because he haven't had a fight recently)

I told him that I had come up with a few rules that I thought would be important for us. I asked him to add on or change whatever he thought needed it.

1. We will never mention divorce. It isn't an option for us.
2. We will not bring up old, unrelated issues from the past.
3. We will never fight in front of our children. (For future reference)
4. We will call a "time out" if conflict escalates to a damaging level. (Havie added that we call a time out as soon as a voice is raised or if we feel ourselves getting angry)
5. We will never touch one another in a harmful way.
6. We will never go to bed angry with one another.
7. Failure is not an option. Whatever this takes, we will work it out.

I don't know if I would call this a rule, but we also talked about setting a timer for 5 minutes when we have a discussion. If we haven't resolved the issue by then, we are going to take a 10 minute break. It will give us a chance to clear our heads and return to the discussion hopefully with some clarity. We will repeat the process until we get to a resolution.

I also wrote some rules for myself to follow:

1. I will listen first before speaking.
2. I will deal with my own issues up front.
3. I will speak gently and keep my voice down.
4. I will not bring something up until I've given time to think it through.

Day 12- Love lets the other win

Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. --Philippians 2:4

Today's Dare:

Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first.

What issue did you choose? What did giving in cost you? How will this help you in the future?

Oh, what a day! I read the chapter first thing in the morning and spent all day trying to think of things that Havie and I disagree about. I know that we disagree on things, but most there wasn't anything coming to mind. I even asked him if he could think of anything and he couldn't. I was thinking, Man- I am going to be stuck on this day... ha ha! I don't know why I haven't figured out that God is going to provide what I need!

After our Financial Peace class last night- we talked about our budget and debt snowball on the way home. And that's when I decided to lay out my master plan. I had made a decision earlier in the day that I was going to show my love by being unselfish. Since I am no longer teaching (and not planning to return to it) I will soon be getting a significant return from TRS. We've tossed around many ideas, but I decided that I wanted to use it for some dental work that Havie needs. This is not cosmetic dentistry, he actually really needs some teeth removed, etc.

So, I told him what I wanted and was shocked by his reaction. He said no! He thinks we should continue on our financial peace plan and use the money to pay debts off. I got upset. Here I was trying to be giving and loving and he wasn't going to let me. I got angry at him. And then it hit me. I obviously was expecting some kind of reaction from him that I didn't get which makes my reaction to it selfishness. GAH!

So, I turned to him and told him that I didn't want to fight about it. That I respected his opinion and that I was going to go with his wishes. His jaw dropped to the floor... :)

Day 11- Love Cherishes

**SPOILER ALERT** This blog contains material that may be unsuitable for those who are uncomfortable with sex talk. Trust me, it won't hurt my feelings if you choose to stop reading right here... :)

Husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. --Ephesians 5:28

Today's Dare:

What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says, "I cherish you" and do it with a smile.

What did you choose to show that you cherish your mate? What did you learn from this experience?

I have struggled the past 24 hours with whether or not I should write this blog. As soon as I read the chapter, I knew exactly what I needed to do to complete the dare. I immediately thought- I do not want to write about it. At the same time, I knew that I really needed to write the blog because it may help others in this situation. I also think it's important for me to be honest with myself in this process. In the end, I really wanted to stay true to this process because it seems to working so far... So, here we go- and besides I am a married woman! I should be able to talk about sex!

The chapter talks about how we often see our spouses as an object we own rather than a part of our own body. They gave an example of how we might replace a car that needed more repair than what it's worth, but if we broke the bones in our hand- we would do whatever it would take to repair it regardless of cost. We are a part of one another. Therefore we should treat them with the same nurture and care that you treat yourself.

So, back on day 5- Havie had to tell me 3 things that I do that irritate him or make him uncomfortable. I left off the 3rd thing from the blog. He told me that our lack of sex makes him irritated and he feels very uncomfortable because I am constantly turning him down. Ouch. It was really hard for me to face, but I knew that it was true.

I want to make something really clear. I never thought that I was "holding out on him" to punish him or anything. My "thinking", if you will, was that I was protecting myself from being taken advantage of because we were constantly having issues. I didn't feel like dropping my guard and letting him in.

Yesterday's lesson hit me hard. When it asked- "has your love in the past been based on your spouse's attributes and behavior?" I immediately thought about the fact that I had been rejecting my husband's attempts to make love with me simply because of his attributes and behavior. I'm not sure I can get any more selfish than that. I felt shame and regret.

My husband has a physical and emotional need when it comes to sex and I haven't been meeting either one of them, so I chose to make love with him to show him how much I cherish him. My eyes are welling now as I tell you that it was different in the most amazing way. I can't explain any of it. All I know is that my heart is open in a way that it elating and scary. I've been protecting myself all of this time, but I'm letting go and letting God.

These past 2 days have been pivotal. I can't wait to see what happens next.

Day 10- Love is unconditional

God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. --Romans 5:8

Today's Dare:

Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse- something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.

Has your love in the past been based on your spouse's attributes and behavior, or on your commitment? How can you continue to show love when it's not returned in a way you hoped for?

Wow... This was one of the most powerful lessons so far for me. The book asks you to think about the reasons you love your spouse. Then is asks "but what if over the course of years, your wife or husband stopped being every one of those things? Would you still love them? The only way love can last a lifetime is if it's unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love.

This unconditional love is called Agape. My immediate thought was, I am not God- I am only a human. How can I have this type of love? The book answered my question by stating that this love can does not come from within, it can only come from God. We have to be willing to receive it from Him and share it with our spouse.

So, for today's dare, I decided to make Havie lunch. He normally makes his own lunch and for times sake, he has been eating peanut butter and jelly lately. I made up his favorite chicken salad and packed him lots of goodies. I wrote him a note to go in his lunch (thanks Britt and Tara!) This gave him a few more minutes to sleep.

He was very suspicious. It is so interesting how he responds to this stuff! I am taking it all in stride! For too long, my love for him has been based on his attributes. When I was angry or frustrated with him, it was abundantly clear. I have held it all against him. I thought that I was keeping myself from being taken advantage of when really I was just being incredibly selfish.

It is going to take time to change those automatic responses. For now, I am acting "as if". I hope that the more I practice these lessons, the more they will become my natural response. I am CHOOSING to love him unconditionally. I am hoping that I will lead by example, but even if he never changes anything about himself- I will be able to love him anyway.

Day 9- Love Makes Good Impressions

Greet one another with a kiss of love. --1 Peter 5:14

Today's Dare:

Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.

When and where did you choose to do your special greeting? How will you change your greeting from this point on?

I thought that today's dare was really interesting. Obviously it was a lot easier than many other days are, but with so much going on- I wasn't focused and it just didn't seem to happen. I don't want to just go through the motions of this love dare. I want to be intentional with each day and try to truly make changes.

Havie and I only have one vehicle because he gave his car to my sister. It works out pretty well for us because I get to work early and have some time to do personal things (like write this blog!) and then he gets off right after I do, so I just swing by and pick him up and go home. We are saving gas money AND it gives us some time together in the car to talk and goof around.

Havie and I are pretty good about greeting each other with a kiss, but it has gotten so routine that it isn't very special anymore. So, I decided that when I picked him up from work, I would wait outside of the Suburban and give him a big hug and kiss and tell him I missed him. For some reason, I hardly ever tell him that I missed him eventhough I do.

He wouldn't let me hug him because he was very dirty, but I grabbed his face instead. He gave me the strangest look. I could tell he was wondering why I did that. And that helped me figure out that I am going to keep him on his toes by finding different ways to greet him everyday. I'm going to mix it up. I think he will love it!

Day 8- Love is not jealous

Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire. --Song of Solomon 8:6 NIV

Today's Dare:

Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list and burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.

How hard was it to destroy the list? What are some positive experiences that you can celebrate in the life of your mate? How can you encourage them toward future successes?

The book says that there is legitimate jealousy and illegitimate jealousy. Legitimate jealousy sparks when someone you love, who belongs to you, turns his or her heart away and replaces you with someone else. Illegitimate jealousy is to be jealous "of" someone, and it is rooted in selfishness.

Wow, that word selfish is a biggie in this book. And I understand why... it is our biggest problem as a culture and it the number one reason marriages fail. It's a tough character trait to deal with because you have to question each and every move you make. It makes me act intentionally, which is good, but sometimes exhausting.

I did not have a hard time destroying the list, but I didn't actually burn it. I didn't think I could pull that off without being noticed, and I'm pretty frightened of fire. I decided to shred it instead. It is in tiny pieces. Do you think that was good enough?

I've never really considered myself a jealous person. I'm not saying that I've never had a jealous thought, but that's all it really amounts to in the end- a thought that comes and goes pretty quickly. I especially would say that I'm not jealous of my husband. I consider his successes to be my successes because he is my husband and we are sharing our lives. Any and every success that we achieve is just as much a success for the other.

I told Havie that I am proud of him because he made a New Year's Resolution and has kept it! He decided no more soda's and hasn't had a single one since new year's eve. My husband was addicted... and I'm not kidding. I really didn't think he could do it, but he has and I am really proud. I've never been a huge soda drinker (like he was), but since he isn't having any, neither am I! So, his success is paying off for me too.

Havie is a pretty driven and motivated person when he wants something. I don't really have to encourage him, but I am trying to help him determine what exactly he wants. I just keep telling him that no matter what he chooses, I know he will be great and I will be there to support him!

Day 7- Love believes the best

Love believes all things, hopes all things. --1 Corinthians 13:7

Today's Dare:

For Today's dare, get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.

Which list was easier to make? What did this reveal about your thoughts? What attribute did you thank your spouse for having?

It took me longer to come up with my positive list than my negative list. However, I was pleasantly surprised that my positive list was quite a bit longer than my negative list. I think this reveals that while I have many positive thoughts about my husband, it is the negatives that are more readily available to me. I didn't have to struggle to remember any of them, but it took me some time to think of all the positive attributes.

I thanked Havie for been such a hard worker. He has a very tough job. It is physically demanding and he really hates it at this point. We are working on getting him back in school, but in the mean time he is doing it because he wants to do what is best for us. I told him that I appreciated his unselfishness.