Update

Oh, I crack myself up sometimes...

So, it's been 10 days since my life turned sideways, and much has happened since my last blog, but I just haven't been ready to share because I'm still processing it myself.

About a week ago, my husband had yet another change of heart. He decided that he loved me and he missed me and he wanted to work things out, but he still wasn't coming home. And I have come to understand why he is unwilling to leave this job. For one, there just isn't work going on in his field right now. Two, this is turning out to be a great opportunity for him professionally. They have already discussed promotion with him. They are installing a state-of-the-art system that is the first of it's kind. If it goes well, they are going to be doing the same thing all around the country. This might revolutionize the oil refining industry, which will be great knowledge when he starts working on his engineering degree.

So, we are basically in this "in-between" state. There isn't much we can do right now other than work on ourselves. I can't worry about what he's doing or not doing. I can only focus on what I am doing or not doing. I really don't know what is going to happen or where this is going to go. I love my husband, and I believe in our marriage. We are both imperfect humans and we have spent too much time just settling back into what is comfortable instead of really dealing with our issues.

But I am refusing to just settle back in this time. I have lost some of my momentum over the weekend. It was difficult for me- very lonely. I felt myself starting to slip into depression territory. Which makes it that much more important for me to stay focused on my goals.

I leave for Denver early Saturday morning. I'm praying that the weekend together will provide us an opportunity to regain our footing. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

Thankful Thursday

For Dark Times- "When it is dark enough, men see stars." Ralph Waldo Emerson

For in-between times- boy do the suck, but they are necessary. :)

For having someone to process this with. You've always been there with open arms and I am once again blessed to have you to guide me through this time.

For so many friends and family members who are truly concerned. I am overwhelmed by your support and attention.

For baby steps. One at a time, day by day. I can handle anything one step at a time.

For this crisis. It brought about a determination, motivation, mission to do what I really should have been doing all along- taking care of myself and loving myself.

For him. Yes, for him. Eventhough, Still, Always

For adrenaline rushes that make me feel like I'm on top of the world. If I'd have known you felt so good, I woulda coulda shoulda...

For being conscious of a need for boundaries and signs that I'm losing my resolve

For you making a decision knowing that it would show me what I needed to see... Putting me before work. It's a first and I see it and I know what it means.

For finding help for others like me, knowing that I'm not alone and that there's hope yet.

For music that speaks to the very depths of my soul and pulls me to stand and sing

For all the gifts God has given me. I didn't deserve them, but He loved me anyway and gave them to me.

For forgiveness.

and finally,

For the fact that this is my longest thankful list ever, on a week when some might think I'd have nothing to be grateful for.

Struggles to butter(fly)ing

Almost 10 years ago, during my college years, I was enduring a different kind of crisis when a new friend, Brandy, gave me a book to encourage me. In it, she had bookmarked and hilighted a particular story. It opened my eyes, and started me down a path that led me to peace and freedom. Somehow over the past few years, I have completely lost my way. As I was doing an image search yesterday for the word "change," I came across the image of a butterfly emerging from a cocoon. It all came flooding back to me. I'd like to share that story with you today. Some of you know it already, but it is a great reminder. It is long, but worth the read.

Struggles
Retold by Alice Gray

When he was a small boy, he had loved butterflies. Oh, not to net and mount them, but to wonder at their designs and habits.
Now a grown man with his first son to be born in a few weeks, he found himself once again fascinated with a cocoon. He had found it at the side of the park path. Somehow the twig had been knocked from the tree and the cocoon had survived undamaged and still woven to the branch.
As he had seen his mother do, he gently protected it by wrapping it in his handkerchief and carried it home. The cocoon found a temporary home in a wide-top mason jar with holes in the lid. The jar was placed on the mantle for easy viewing and protection from their curious cat who would delight in volleying the sticky silk between her paws.
The man watched. His wife's interest lasted only a moment, but he studied the silky envelope. Almost imperceptibly at first, the cocoon moved. He watched more closely and soon the cocoon was trembling with activity. Nothing else happened. The cocoon remained tightly glued to the twig and there was no sign of wings.
Finally the shaking became so intense, the man thought the butterfly would die from the struggle. He removed the lid on the jar, took a sharp pen knife from his desk drawer, and carefully made a tiny slit in the side of the cocoon. Almost immediately, one wing appeared and then out stretched the other. The butterfly was free!
It seemed to enjoy its freedom and walked along the edge of the mason jar and along the edge of the mantle. But it didn't fly. At first the man thought the wings needed time to dry, but time passed and still the butterfly did not take off.
The man was worried and called up his neighbor who taught high school science. He told the neighbor how he had found the cocoon, placed it in the mason jar, and the terrible trembling as the butterfly struggled to get out. When he described how he had carefully made a small slit in the cocoon, the teacher stopped him. "Oh, that is the reason. You see, the struggle is what gives the butterfly the strength to fly."
And so it is with us. Sometimes it's the struggles in life that strengthen our faith the most.


The struggles in life are what make flying so sweet. If it were all perfect, we wouldn't be able to appreciate it! I think that this story also offers a lesson from the point of the view of the man. We often feel like we have to save others from their struggles. In the end, our help can only keep them from reaching their natural potential. I can only help myself, and allow the other people in my life to do the same for themselves.

So, why is this blog called butter(fly)ing?

I recently came across a website that is helping me get myself in gear. Flylady.net is all about helping individuals eliminate CHAOS from their lives and to Finally Love Yourself. I know it's super cheesy, but it's my biggest problem. It is going to be a process, but the wheels are in motion. I'm taking babysteps towards my goal.

I want you to come on this journey with me!

Where I Am...

The title of this image is: Change of Heart

Boy, if that doesn't appropriately describe my life right now, I don't know what does. Many of you reading this blog already know the details of my current events. There are still many, who only know vague details from Facebook status messages. I unfortunately only have enough steam to tell the story one more time, so here we go.

My husband, Xavier (or Havie), is currently working in Wyoming. He is a structural pipefitter and does construction at Oil Refineries. The economy has really hit his industry hard which is why for the first time, he has had to take jobs outside of Corpus Christi this year. He had a lull here recently between a job in Louisiana and this job in Wyoming due in part to an injury to his ankle. He left for Wyoming just 11 days ago, but that's all it takes for life to completely change.

This past weekend I accidentally discovered that he was having an inappropriate relationship with more than one woman for the second time in our relationship. It is not my intention to smear his name or to divulge the intimate details for the entire world to read, so I hope you will understand that I don't care to be more specific.

When I confronted my husband, he initially lied but eventually confessed to the details that I provided proof for. Once he enumerated his reasons which included a long list of my failures, that he was feeling down about not working and his injury, and also that he had not forgiven me for an indescretion months earlier. If you want to know more about that you can check out my other blog.

I immediately asked him to come home so we could get some help and try to rescue our marriage. He immediately let me know that wasn't an option. He continued to tell me that he "didn't want to put in all the hard work for it to not work out anyway." Eventually it was decided that we would separate.

Of course this is a condensed version of the events. As I stated before, it is not my desire to smear my husband's name. It is my truest hope that we can find a way through this situation and come out on the other end stronger and better. Unfortunately, I cannot control him or his decisions. The only person I can control is me. Which is where a new found desire and determination has emerged.

I would be a fool to sit back and pretend that I did not play a part in this mess. (Eventhough I truly believe there are no excuses for what he has done). I have many faults and have been in serious need of change for a long time. Somehow these events have lit a fire within. I am on a mission to walk through this with grace and find myself on the other side healthier and happier without regrets.

I don't know what's going to happen, and I don't need to. I am taking each day as it comes and focusing on the positive. I am taking care of myself, for myself.. I know that I will survive.

It's funny... I thought the change of heart was his, but maybe it's mine...

P.S. Don't worry, there's more to come- What is butter(fly)ing?

Five Years!

Five years ago, today, I met my husband. It was an instant connection, eventhough I love to tell the hilarious story about his fear to ask me on a real date. I'll save that for another time...

That first year of dating, was spent mostly long distance, which is interesting because here we are in that same situation once again. I had only been dating him a short period when he had a job offer to return to Beaufort, SC. There was no way I was going to hold him back from what he had already expressed as his "dream job". So, nine months came and went... We only got to see each other once during that time which is when that picture was taken.

It was hard. We barely knew each other. We talked for hours and hours and we broke up. Correction, I broke up with him. Several times. I was scared and feeling like what was I doing, falling in love with someone who was so far away. There was no indication he would come back. But he did. Our first time to see each other was exactly one year after we met.

Once we were back in the same town, everything seemed to fast forward. We were so in love. Living together by the end of September... Engaged by the first of November... and then married a year later.

We've had our ups and downs during marriage, but as we close in on our 3rd Anniversary, I'd like to report that we are closer, more in love, and more solid than we even realized were possible. I'd venture to say that neither one of us knew what unconditional love was when we married, but the last year helped us learn that lesson. I know that my entire view of marriage has changed and I am so much more grateful for what I have.

At one point, I didn't think we would make it, but now I know we will.

We have gotten a lot of flack for our most recent decision. I've been honestly shocked by the judgment that has come our way. I will not understand why some think it is their place to determine the validity of our choices, but I really don't need to understand it. I really don't need to even worry about it. I am reminded of the love dare... we are our own unit and must make the choices that are best for us- disregarding the influence of others outside of our marriage. It simply isn't anyone else's business.

So, I'm not going to be sad that this occasion will be spent alone. In two weeks, I will be meeting my husband in Denver, Colorado! I bought my tickets and reserved a hotel room today! I haven't been further West than Ruidoso, NM or that far North before! I am stoked! Check out our funky hotel!

Since we will be staying downtown, we will be right smack dab in the middle of the Taste of Colorado festival. We will also be visiting the Denver Art Museum. ALL FOR FREE! I can't wait!

Random Tuesday- A Dedication...

...to me, from you. I finally got the message, but it took a while. I get it now. I know that I will forget it later, but you'll be there to remind me. Thank you.

Let it Be Me
by Ray LaMontagne

There may come a time,
a time in everyone's life
where nothing seems to go your way
where nothing seems to turn out right

There may come a time,
you just cant seem to find your way
for every door you walk in to,
seems like they get slammed in your face

That's when you need someone,
someone that you can call
and when all your faith is gone
feels like you can't go on

let it be me
let it be me
if its a friend that you need
let it be me
let it be me

Feels like your always coming on home
pockets full of nothin and you got no cash
no matter where you turn you aint got no place to stand
reach out for something and they slap your hand

Now I remember all to well
just how it feels to be all alone
you feel like you'd give anything
for just a little place you can call your own

Thats when you need someone,
someone that you can call
and when all your faith is gone
feels like you cant go on

let it be me
let it be me
if its a friend you need
let it be me
let it be me

Finally talking

Well, this week has been another opportunity for me to show those true blue colors of mine. It's been one of those really introverted weeks. I always think a LOT before I talk (well not always, but I always regret when I don't). I haven't even been sure of what I was thinking so hard on. It's hard to describe, but I had an unexplained emotion and just had to ponder on it for a bit and in the mean time I just didn't have it in me to "talk".

I am past it now and gonna use this blog to catch up a bit!



First and foremost, I want to express my gratitude for this girl right here. My baby sister, Sienna, just isn't a baby anymore. In fact, she is 15 years old today. She is officially older than I was when she was born. I remember rocking you to sleep. You loved for me to sing to you. She is beautiful (inside and out), intelligent, caring, and wise beyond her years. She's everything I wish I could have been at her age, and maybe I was a little bit. I am so proud of her. I pray that she will see these things within herself and continues to hope for a brighter future. I love you, Sienna! Happy Birthday!

Switching gears... Many of you may have read on Facebook that my husband leaves tomorrow morning for Wyoming. The economy has really hit his line of work hard and the jobs are few and far between. He was going to start school in the Fall, but he wasn't comfortable with our "buffer". I can support his decision for a number of reasons-

1. He is simply unhappy when he isn't working. His self-worth (like many men) comes largely from his ability to provide for us.
2. This job is going to pay well and we've been able to reduce our budget, so this will be an opportunity for us to sack away a significant chunk of change to pay for college, debts, etc.
3. He is my husband and I promised to support him.

Am I happy about it? No. I'm sad and I'm worried, but I have faith. I may not know what this year is going to bring. I am surely going to miss him like crazy. It's going to be hard, but not impossible. What is right usually doesn't feel good right now, but has the best results in the long run!

And switching gears on more time- I HAVE A CONTEST WINNER TO ANNOUNCE!

Since there were only two comments, I am just going to flip a coin. Heads is Leslie and tails is Cayce............. tails it is! Cayce you are the winner of the Financial Peace University Kit! I will message you privately to get your address!

Just one more update- I am going to post a blog this weekend on the progress of my organization mission! I have pictures and lots of details, so stay tuned!