Day 18- Love seeks to understand

How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding. --Proverbs 3:13

Today's Dare-

Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you've rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate.

What did you learn about your spouse that you didn't know before? How could you continue this process of discovery in other ways, at other times? What were some of the moments that made this evening memorable?

I originally planned to complete this dare on Sunday. I made a nice meal, but we ended up with company. We weren't able to have our conversation. I wasn't exactly sure what to talk about, but I was just going to ask random questions. Monday rolled around and Havie had plans. So I finally got to complete the dare last night. God sure works in mysterious ways because a topic for our conversation was provided Monday.

Havie is in a line of work that pays very well, especially considering that you don't need college or anything beyond high school. He started out at the bottom right out of high school and has worked his way up ever since. He has a great reputation (I know because I've talked to people he works with) as a hard worker. The downside is that it is very physically demanding and dangerous. Additionally, these companies treat their employees like dog poo. Right now, he is stuck with this company because of the economy. There is very little work out there, so he's lucky to have a job. He is just fed up and ready to move on.

We've talked extensively about his options, but he's always hesitated to make any changes. So that's what our conversation was about. What does he really want to do and what is holding him back. One thing that surprised me is that he's holding back because he thinks the transition will be too hard on me. I wouldn't say that I learned anything new, but maybe relearned something.

To be honest- seeking to understand is what I am about. That's all I do. I think it's just part of my personality. I am constantly trying to understand. There's not much that I don't know about my husband because I've already asked so many questions. When I think of something else or he tells me something that I didn't know, I have to ask a million questions until I'm satisfied. I don't see that changing, I will always seek to understand.

What made last night so memorable was the way it felt. For the first time, I felt like we were on the same team. Working together to solve this problem. There was no defensiveness. We were just focused on these questions that needed to be answered. It felt great.

Update

I didn't get to complete day 18 yesterday, so I thought I'd take a minute to update!

I got a great idea from www.40daylovedare.com. They have a section of the message board call the 2 degree difference. They give you ideas on how to make a small changes for each love dare.

Day 16 was Love Intercedes, and the site suggested that you set an alarm for the same time everyday to remind you to pray for your mate. That way, when that alarm goes off everyday at that time, you will remember to stop and pray for them. I started that yesterday and I thought it was great. At 2pm everyday (or soon after if I'm in the middle of something) I will stop and pray. I did it right at my desk yesterday and no one even noticed.

Stay tuned for Day 18, because it's going to be a good one! I promise it will be completed today!

Thanks for reading!

Day 17- Love promotes intimacy

He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. -- Proverbs 17:9 NIV

Today's Dare:

Determine to guard your mate's secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and to pray for them. Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you. Make them feel safe.

How much of an effort is it for you to hold back from saying something, critical or otherwise? What have you learned about your spouse today, simply from listening?

This chapter and dare was striking for me. It was an easy dare to complete, but another one of those life changing things. This book/experience continues to amaze me. These sentences said it all for me "You mate should not feel pressured to be perfect in order to receive your approval. They should not walk on eggshells in the very place where they ought to feel the most comfortable in their bare feet." Wow...

I actually completed this dare on Saturday, but didn't have time yesterday to blog. I had to push back day 18 because of the holiday too. Anyway, Havie and I went to the movies Saturday night. On the way home I struck up a conversation with him. Stealing a line from the book, I asked him, "Do you feel safe with me, or scared?" Of course, he wanted more information from me. I went on to ask that when it comes to things he has told me, does he feel safe or scared? He said that when we were dating, he was scared to tell me things because I was always breaking up with him. He didn't want to tell me something that might be negative. He said that now he can tell me things and he knows that he's safe. I wasn't expecting that response, so I pushed a little further. I asked him if he feels like I use things against him. He said no. I was thinking (screaming) to myself "Then why do you never tall me anything!?!" BUT I refrained.

The truth is that while I don't use his secrets as ammo, I am very guilty of being critical and expecting him to be perfect. I have a very hard time holding back from saying what I want to say with him. I tell myself it's because I want total honesty, but it's not healthy. It is something that I've been working on this entire process, but I am still struggling. I am making progress, but it's taking longer than I would like.

What I've learned about Havie by listening is that he gives me more credit than I deserve. He and I are more alike that I'd like to admit at times. What bothers him about me are the same things that bother me about him. He has a lot of pain and self-esteem issues, just like me. We could be healing each other and instead- we have continued to hurt one another.

Day 16- Love intercedes

Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers. --3 John 2

Today's Dare

Begin praying today for your spouse's heart. Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage.

Have you experienced the power of prayer in the past? What did you choose to pray about? Was it easy for you, or did it feel foreign to you?

The first sentence of this chapter is- You cannot change your spouse. As much as you may want to, you cannot play God and reach into their heart and mold them into what you want them to be. You can, however, be a "wise farmer". A wise farmer plant a seed into fertile soil, gives it water and nutrients, protects it from weeds, and then turns it over to God.

The chapter talks a lot about the power for prayer. I have experienced the power of prayer in the past. I worked at a YMCA summer camp back in 2000. I was going through a time of confusion, but I was surrounded by beauty and amazing people. I started talking to God all day. It was the first time that prayer felt right to me. It was a real spiritual breakthrough for me. It ws the first time I felt like I had a relationship with God. It confirmed my questions about the existence of God.

I've recently had another prayer breakthrough. Through this Love Dare process, my love of God has grown and deepened. I used to believe that I didn't need to be formal about prayer because God just wanted me to talk to him and that I was always talking to him. And I still believe that is true, but because I have this deeper reverence now, I WANT to show my respect and honor by choosing to get on my knees and pray. Not because God won't hear me otherwise. I hope that I'm making sense.

I chose to pray first that Havie's relationship with God grow. I have seen it grow from almost non-existent and I know think that relationship is exactly what he needs.

I also prayed that Havie would find forgiveness in his heart. Not only for me, but for all of those people who have hurt him, and for himself. He has made some progress in this area already. He is still hurting.

Finally, I prayed that God help Havie melt the defensiveness. He feels like the world is out to get him and he's always looking for criticism for anyone and everyone. I want him to be secure enough to see that even if somone criticizes him, he will be okay.

The prayer felt foreign because I am embarrased to admit that I am not used to praying for Havie. I pray for our relationship, but somehow I am have managed to not pray for the most important person in my life. All of that is changing now.

Day 15- Love is Honorable

Live with your wives in an understanding way... and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life. --1 Peter 3:7

Today's Dare

Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door for her. It might be putting his clothes away for him. It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication. Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes.

How did you choose to show honor? What was the result? What are some other ways you could demonstrate honor in the coming days?

A good friend reminded me that this is just as much about me and the condition of my heart and my determination as it is about the relationship. It was much needed- thank you Brandy.

I chose to show honor in the way speak in my communication. We had a rough evening last night. I was upset because I thought that he was very disrespectful to one of my friends. I tried to handle it well, but I didn't follow my own rule to wait until I had thought it through before I talked to him about it. In any case, the conversation diverted and I had an opportunity to address something with him.

Havie likes to make jokes at his own expense. I've asked him not to do it out of annoyance. I've never really given him a reason other than I think it's crude. I've even gone as far as to flat out beg him to never do it again. He has continued regardless. I told him last night that the reason I ask him to not make those jokes is because I hate to hear him talk about himself in that manner. He is a good person, a honorable man, and he just tears himself down. It hurts me to hear him talk about himself that way.

I told him that I know he thinks it's funny and he's just trying to lighten the mood, but I worry about what it does to his self-esteem. I told him that it's easy for me to see his good qualities.

For the first time, he seemed to listen to what I was saying and understand.

Another way that I plan to honor him is by taking better care of myself. Eventhough it is more about my own self-worth than anything else, I want him to know that I honor him enough to want to be someone that he can be proud of and worthy of honor.

Reaching out...

I have a friend who is going through some health issues right now that are seriously impacting her life. She's the type that has it together and takes care of business, so she doesn't really like to ask for help. I've been casually offering assistance, not wanting to offend her, but she has not been biting. Last night I was thinking, why won't she just ask for my help- especially when I've been offering it?

And then it hit me...

I am needing help and have been unwilling to ask for it. I am going through a tough time right now, and they are people out there who can help- who want to help.

So, I am going to be humble and ask God and you for some assistance. As you know, things have kind of stalled out here with The Love Dare. It's not because I've given up or don't care about it anymore. It is just getting very difficult for me. Which is the whole point I think.

Day 15 is Love is Honorable. The book basically states that we should see our mates as "holy". Respect them in the highest regard. It's not that I have a problem with respecting him, but I don't believe that it will be returned. Which is selfish and the chapter even addresses that issue. It says love honors even when it's rejected. I'm having a hard time getting my heart in the right place.

To be honest, I think I've really slipped off the work I've done for weeks now. I don't know how to get back on track. I've broken some of the fighting rules, I've been negative, and I have been selfish.

So, I am irrevocably human and make mistakes. I need your help to get back on track. Any advice, ideas, ANYTHING. Thanks!

Day 14- Love takes delight

Enjoy life with the wife you love all the days of your fleeting life. --Ecclesiates 9:9 HCSB

Today's Dare:

Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on. Just be together.

What did you decide to give up? What did you do together? How did it go? What new thing did you learn (or relearn) about your spouse?

I gave up my Saturday or lounging and being lazy (as has been the norm lately) to spend the day working on various needs around the house with Havie. We got up early and did laundry, cleaned out the fridge and pantry, etc. I used my e-mealz.com weekly meal plan to make a comprehensive shopping list and we headed our to do our grocery shopping. This in itself was out of the ordinary because we usually try to shop alone. One of us will go without the other because we think it's more efficient.

On the way to Wal-Mart, I surprised Havie by suggesting that we go to Burlington and do some shopping for him. He has one pair of dress slacks and only 3 dress shirts that he's been wearing to church every week. We have a clothing budget as a part of our envelope system, so I thought we could get him some more pants a few shirts. (I just love Burlington, especially for Men's clothes!) Havie would never have suggested that we go, and I know he loved wearing his new stuff today!

We got our shopping done (and stayed within our budget!) without a hitch. We worked really well together and got along. When we got home, we spent the extra time to wash our fruits and veggies, put them in green bags, separate our meats, etc. It will save us time and effort later and help keep our stuff from rotting (happens more than I care to admit!)

I was exhausted when I hit the pillow, but felt great to have really accomplished something and to have done it all with Havie. I realized that he likes it when I am proactive and have a plan, but am still flexible and respect his input and opinion. It takes a little more effort on my part to be prepared, but it pays off in the end.

And on a personal note, I am done wallowing in whatever I was experiencing recently- just no energy and feeling sorry for myself. I'm moving forward!