La Vida Subida

Check It Out!

2011-12-06T08:58:00.000-08:00

It's my new blog!

I'm moving!!! My blog that is. Please come check it out!

It felt like time for a fresh start.

I've already posted my first post and I think it's a pretty good one. I feel great about it and things are looking up for me!

If you're a follower here, my new blog is wordpress so you'll have to sign up for email updates or add me to google reader or something. I hope that you'll continue reading!

Shaved Legs

2011-11-29T17:26:00.001-08:00

I shaved my legs for the first time in two months today. Not the most monumental development, I know but hear me out.

I've been feeling lighter lately. Happier. I'm still dealing with divorce drama and trying to find a job and trying to figure out how to be okay, but all of that is just a little bit easier all of a sudden. I don't know when or how, but I turned a corner recently.

And I felt like shaving my legs. Not for anyone else, for me. I felt like taking care of myself and feeling good. Now, that is progress in my book.

Thankful Thursday

2011-11-24T07:22:00.001-08:00

It's been too long since I've made a Thankful Thursday list.

I haven't been feeling so thankful for too long. I've felt pretty angry about what I've been dealt in life. And for some, it's understandable. This isn't a feel sorry for me post so I'm not going into detail, but it's safe to say that my trials started at a young age and there's been many. It's easy to look at others lives and wonder why they have it so easy and why I've had it so hard. But I know that's the fastest way to never feel satisfied with anything.

So gratitude needs to be a daily decision- I'm going to start today. I'm thankful for-

* A Heavenly Father who knows me, loves me, challenges me and never gives up on me.
* For the Atonement of Jesus Christ who suffered every pain any of us will ever feel in the Garden of Gesthemane.
* For the Holy Spirit who fills me with light and truth, who lets me know I'm not alone.
* For my sisters. It's such a special bond- sisterhood. I'm lucky to have 4 "little" sisters in my life. They lift me up, make me laugh until I need to pee, bring out my mama bear, keep me real, and dry my tears.
* For my family. We're a rag tag dysfunctional bunch, but there's a whole lot of love and forgiveness. I don't even know how to summarize what I feel for all of these people, but I am truly blessed!
* For my friends. You know, devastation truly lets you know who your friends are. The ones that dare to ask how you are and want to know an honest answer. Who check in and see through the mask. Who give as much as they get. I've said it before and I'll say it again- I'll take quality over quantity anyday.
* For memories. To remind me that this too shall pass.
* For safety. I have a shelter and food to eat and even if it takes me a while to find a job I know that I will be okay.
*For health. This is not a doing of my own, for a long time I worked against my own health but I've been lucky to not have any serious issues to contend with.
* For choices. I'm grateful for agency in my life even when I am affected by other's freedom to choose.
* For Xavier and our marriage. This is a fake it til you make it one. I know there's something to be grateful for there, I'm just not finding it yet. I'm going to keep trying.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving with loved ones.

Closure

2011-11-21T08:30:00.001-08:00

I woke up yesterday morning from a terrible dream about Xavier and I. It made me realize all of the fears and feelings that I've been pushing down. That I haven't been dealing with- that I've been trying to move past by ignoring. I guess it doesn't really work that way.

So, I started a conversation with him over text messages that he eventually stopped responding to. And then I cried off and on all day. It was a mess.

I think what I'm missing is closure. I mean, the divorce isn't even final yet but there are still so many open wounds and questions. How did this happen? What went wrong? How am I EVER going to believe in marriage again?

I think I work things out in my dreams because I woke up today with some clarity. I wasn't happy. I hadn't been for some time thanks to everything that had been happening between us. But I still had hope. I was trying, working, praying, believing that we could change our circumstances. I thought so because I believed that we wanted the same things. That we loved each other.

I feel used. Because he's been checked out of the marriage for years but just hanging on to me for comfort. He doesn't want to be alone. He wanted a home and the comfort I brought to him, but not the responsibilities of being a husband. He refused to communicate to the point of never being able to reach him- even though his friends could always get in touch with him. He refused to be giving to me often completely ignoring significant times for me- like my 30th birthday. When given rare opportunity to spend time with me, he would choose his friends instead.

I mean, COME ON. All of the signs were there. So WHY did he keep me around? Why did he have me move back home? Why did he keep insisting that he wanted me only to treat me like crap? Why did he let me believe that we were going to start a family only to turn around and say that he wasn't ready?

He was using me.

He never should have married me. He was already looking outside of our marriage before we ever said I do. I was deceived from the very beginning. It makes me question every feeling I've ever had about him. I can't hang on to any good memories because there is an underlying question about what was real and what wasn't. THE LAST 7 YEARS OF MY LIFE HAVE BEEN WASTED!

I can't go back and change it. All I can do is learn and accept and move forward. I can't imagine ever being able to trust someone again. I can't imagine wanting to set myself for this kind of pain again.

I shouldn't have let him keep sucking me in again. I knew deep down that he was no good. He didn't start out that way, but it didn't take him long to get there. Oh sure, he's a charmer. That's how he reels you in- acting like a big ole teddy bear. But it's a facade.

I know this is all over the place, but I guess if I can take anything away from this disaster it would be to trust my gut and be strong enough to walk away before I let a relationship ruin my life again. It's possible that I'll never have that chance, but I'm determined to not let him steal the joy from my life like he has for too long now.

Just Keep Swimming

2011-11-11T09:13:00.000-08:00

I left Corpus Christi a week ago. It was also our 5th Anniversary.

I've been in another world ever since. Unpacking, applying for jobs, driving back and forth from Post to Lubbock. I feel like I'm just floating right now. I'm living in someone else's home and living someone else's life. That's how it feels.

I've been here before- this "in-between" space. I always hate it, but I know that it's necessary. I just have to endure it. It's not all bad, but I just can't seem to feel happy yet. I have faith that I will again.

Stronger

2011-11-02T19:11:00.000-07:00

I've heard over and over again that I'm so strong. That I'm handling everything so well. "If it was me..."

I haven't been so sure. I can stay calm most of the time, but inside I feel like a little war is raging. It's a constant battle to remember the good in the world and not let every negative thought/feeling/whim take over. I'm never really trying to hide it from anyone but it seems like it's easy to keep a handle on in front of other people. When I'm home alone- not so easy.

Time is probably part of the answer because I DO feel stronger today. The past week has been crazy and there's been lots of stress but right now almost everything is packed and I'm resting up to load everything tomorrow. And I feel somehow stronger.

Last week I saw Kelly Clarkson performing a song from her new album, Stronger, on The View and I have since fallen in love with it. It feels like the soundtrack to my life right now. One song in particular feels like it could have been written for me. I know what I'll be listening to on the road Friday!

Bedroom Inspiration

2011-10-31T19:27:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is a really random post considering everything that's going on right now. But I happened to be flipping through the new Ikea catalog this morning and came across this picture... And it spoke to me. Charcoal, pink, taupe? Um, yes please! Wow, I love.

I love the textures! I love the shine! It's moody, it's feminine, it's kinda romantic but also sophisticated!

I'm going to need new bed linens eventually and I know exactly what direction I'm headed in... Gives me something to look forward to!

Now.

2011-10-30T13:10:00.000-07:00

Wednesday evening, I was headed to bed when I got a call from my cousin. She asked me to come over- her mom needed me. My Aunt, who was recently started a new round of chemo, was in severe pain and wanted to go to the ER. So we packed up and went. When they called her in to do paperwork, she started vomiting and they rushed us in to a room. It was horrible, but kinda lucky because we probably would have been waiting hours otherwise.

They determined that she had a stomach virus and was severely dehydrated. The pain is being caused by her enlarged liver. So they admitted her to get her back in tip top shape. That night she was talking about dying and how she wanted me to come pick some things out that I might want. I told her that I couldn't do it. I would cherish anything she wanted me to have, but I couldn't just walk around her house and make a list.

Friday started out fine but by that evening I wasn't feeling very well. Not sick as much as tired, so I went to bed early. I woke up around 11pm and as soon as I sat up, I knew I was in trouble. I proceeded to projectile vomit ALL over the bathroom. It was horrible. Nightmare scene... I was up for hours. Looks like I picked up the stomach virus.

I spent most of yesterday in bed with a fever. I felt so bloated but luckily not nauseous anymore. Woke up this morning feeling much better tummy wise- just VERY sore. My ribs, neck and back are achy and stiff, but I can handle that. I finally ate a bowl of soup, so I'm definitely recovering. But these past fews days have really set me back. I was going to spend those days crocheting all day at work and packing at home in the evening. I haven't had the strength to do anything. Not to mention, I really couldn't afford to miss two days of work.

I was talking to my mom earlier and crying my eyes out. I just cant understand why all of this is happening now. Everytime I start to get positive and excited and happy, something else happens. What does it all mean?!

My mom said, "It doesn't mean a damn thing. That's just life! Don't go trying to figure it all out because there is no reason. Just feel what you gotta feel." She went on to tell me that there's always hope in every situation and she wants me to feel excited about my future and the coming New Year. She just wants me to focus on myself.

So, that's what I'm gonna do.

Why?

2011-10-23T07:06:00.000-07:00

I'm really hesitant to write this post. Which is why I really think it needs to be written. I've had thoughts going through my mind like, I just wrote a negative post and I don't want people to think that I'm just wallowing... Maybe I should write something upbeat first and then write this post.

BUT here's the thing. I don't write this for other people. I write for myself. And this is honestly what I'm feeling right now and I need to get it out.

I'm feeling pretty devastated today. I'm trying not to feel that way, but I just do. So, I'm going to give myself permission to feel this way for a little while. I need to feel it. This is devastating. It's going to be hard to leave my dogs behind until I get on my feet. Spending Christmas without him is going to be depressing.

I have the boxes, but I haven't packed a single thing. It's not because I've changed my mind or don't want a divorce. I don't know, I guess I just don't want any of this. I want to rewind and have none of this ever happen. I like my life. I like my home. I don't want it all to change! But it already has, and whether I wanted it or not- I have to deal with it.

This line of thinking inevitably leads to the question- Why? I'm a being who feels a strong need to always answer the question Why. It drives people crazy at times, I know. I feel a deep need to understand things. When I can't understand them, it makes me anxious and unsettled. I'm a researcher and analyzer by nature.

If there's anything I've had to learn in the past 31 years, it's that there isn't always an answer to the question why... Or at least not an immediate one. I may have to wait a long time for some understanding. Even then, I may never fully understand- but I hope that I will someday.

For now, I have to start packing. I have to start letting go. I have to focus on right now.

Partners

2011-10-20T11:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was rough.

I had lunch with one of my sister-in-laws so naturally we had only one thing to really talk about. She asked me if there was ANY way I thought that we could work it out... Trust me, it would be a WHOLE lot easier right now if I thought we could. It makes me feel guilty to say no, there's no chance. It doesn't feel natural to me. I'm the eternal optimist- I always think we can work things out! BUT the issue is that there is no WE, it's me who's always doing all of the work- so nothing ever gets better.

So, I left that meal feeling pretty depressed.

Later that evening, I had an issue come up with one of our dogs. I was panicked and without thinking, I picked up the phone to call him. When he answered, I realized what I was doing but it was too late. He couldn't really help me anyway. So I took care of it by myself. After things calmed down, it hit me- I was losing my partner.

Not that I couldn't do it by myself, or that I wanted someone to do it for me. The point is that I realized that I'm losing the person who would have been WITH me. I guess it's the first time that's hit me because it hit really hard. I did that really hard mourning cry for a little while and then it passed.

I guess it's going to be like that. I'm not going to mourn the loss all at one time. It's going to be a series of things. Lots of little things that made up our life together. It's like tearing your soul away from anothers. All the little seams start to rip apart. It hurts so much, you can only stand a little at a time.

When people talked about how painful divorce is, I always thought it was all of the fighting. Lawyers, money, anger... No, it's so much more than that. It really is a physical, emotional, and spiritual pain. Love and marriage are not something I will take lightly ever again.

Respect in Retrospect

2011-10-19T07:37:00.000-07:00

I filed for divorce yesterday.

I met up with him in the morning to go over the paperwork and give him the citation and answer forms since I wasn't having him served. We're trying to do all of this without attorneys and such.

He was in a horrible mood and it didn't take long for things to escalate when he started bringing up how horribly I had treated him over the years. It was pretty ugly and once he calmed down, he sincerely apologized. I knew most of what he said was an exaggeration, but there was one comment that stuck.

He said that he was still in love with me and I disagreed. I can't see how he could be in love with me and be sleeping with another woman. He said that he just didn't respect me. And it rang so true.

But how did that happen? WHEN did that happen? Did he EVER respect me? The more I thought about it, I started to realize that I'm not sure he ever did. And in return, I'm not sure I've had respect for him in a long time.

The first time I found out about his infidelities, we had only been married a month. I know I lost a decent amount of respect at that point. But over time I gained some back only to lose it again when the next set of infidelities were discovered. It happened again and again but each time I think my respect dwindled more. I would honestly push myself to trust and respect him because the survival of our marriage depended on it.

If he had any respect for me in the beginning, how could he have gone and done those things in the months before our wedding? Why on earth did he even marry me? It doesn't make any sense!

I'm going to make something perfectly clear. I AM NOT PERFECT. I was not a dream wife. I can totally take responsibility for my iniquities- one of the reasons I stuck around so long. BUT I never did anything so horrible to him that would remotely justify what I've had to endure over the past 5 years. Period.

At the end of the day, we ALWAYS have choices. No matter how horrible someone is treating us, or how hard our life is- we are responsible for what we choose to do with ourselves. I'm not going to take responsibility for his choices anymore.

Lubbock it is

2011-10-17T07:27:00.000-07:00

Last week my mother and step-father were in town visiting. I had just pretty much made my mind up that I was going to move forward with going to Lubbock. The fact is that I really don't have anywhere to live here in Corpus Christi- at least not until I can afford it. I couldn't find anyone to live with that wasn't a stranger (too many bad experiences down that road). So, it was like there really wasn't a decision at all.

Then my parents dropped a bomb on me- they are moving back to Corpus Christi after my step-brother graduates in May. Since he's headed off to the Navy, already enlisted!, they finally made the decision to come back. Then it wasn't so clear cut. At that point, I felt like I HAD to stay put.

The same night, I spoke with my Uncle and his wife (I have a hard time calling her my aunt because we are so close in age and good friends). They said that I could stay with them in Post, TX until I got on my feet. That takes away a big portion of the gas issue because it's much closer to Lubbock than Spur. And it re-energized my desire to be in Lubbock.

Fast forward a few days and the next bomb dropped- my aunt, who finished her last round of chemo in mid-September got the results of her latest scan. Her lung cancer had spread to her liver and more within her lungs. They basically told her that her bone marrow has already taken a beating. They don't think they will be able to cure her cancer. They are just going to prolong her life by treatment until her body can't take it anymore.

Then I really felt like I had to stay.

I've been praying this entire time for guidance and courage. I hadn't felt like I knew what to do yet. I could tell that at least subconciously, a part of me really wanted to be in Lubbock. When I thought about staying here, it just didn't feel like the right thing to do. I realized I felt more excited when I thought about my future in Lubbock than I did when I thought about my future in Corpus Christi. But I didn't know what the RIGHT things to do was yet.

Until I had breakfast with my mom Saturday morning. I was expressing to her my feelings about it all and she stopped me short by saying that I needed to do what was best for ME for once. And I could feel that this was my answer.

I'm letting alot of people down by leaving Corpus Christi- my sister, my aunt, my parents, my friends. It feels like a selfish decision to leave them behind, but sometimes in life we just have to put ourselves first. I know I need this to put myself back together and hopefully come out of this with grace and confidence.

Today I start packing and looking for a job. I have no idea what the future holds, but I feel hopeful and excited and a little bit scared- but I'm focusing on the hope.

Restless

2011-10-14T05:17:00.000-07:00

Woke up early this morning and I'm feeling restless. Like I need to DO something.

Got some news yesterday that knocked my socks off. My aunt who just recently finished chemo and radiation for a very small tumor they found in her lung back in June recently had another scan. Turns out the cancer has already spread to her liver and she has more in her lungs. The last scan came back completely clear. She has small cell carcinoma which is the most aggressive form of cancer- caused by smoking.

Her bone marrow has already taken a beating, so basically they are going to treat her until her body can't take it anymore.

I'm sad. I'm confused. I don't know what to say. The only thing I can do is pray.

What next?

2011-10-08T06:57:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this post mainly as a way for me to get it all out there and hopefully help make a decision, but if you happen to have an opinion or some advice, I'd love to hear it.

Lubbock or Corpus Christi? That is the question.

Let's start with Corpus Christi since I'm already here:
Pros-

My sister and aunt live here
I have some great friends here
I have a job
It would make continuing my business (Twisted Sisters Crochet) with my sister easier
My mom and step-dad would probably visit more frequently since they have other friends and family here.

Cons-

I would be near him which makes me feel uneasy.
The cost of living is higher so I don't think I could live on my own.
Which means I'd probably have to look for another job anyway and the new job probably won't let me crochet all day.
I don't have anyone to take me in while I get on my feet.
I don't really like it here- haven't really wanted to live here for a while now.

And now for Lubbock...
Pros-

I have a sister and lots of family there. It's where I grew up.
My closest friends live there.
Cost of living is lower, would be more manageable on my own.
I can stay with my grandparents while I get on my feet.
I can help my grandparents.
I love it there. I've wanted to move home for a long time.
I wouldn't be anywhere near him.

Cons-

I have to find a job
Brit and I will have to do all of our Twisted Sisters stuff long distance.
I probably won't have a job where I can crochet all day which is going to impact the business.
I'm less likely to have my Mom and Step-dad visit.
My grandparents live an hour outside of Lubbock so I will be driving two hours a day which will easily be $100 in gas a week/$400 a month which is basically rent. Meaning I won't be able to do it for long.

I guess the question really is whether I should be cautious and stay where I am (eventhough I'm not sure I will have anywhere to live by the beginning of November) or take the risk and go where I really want to go but don't have a job yet and will have the additional costs of moving and storing my things until I can get out on my own.

For now, I am going to ACT on both. I'm going to look for jobs in both cities and start packing. I'm going to keep praying about it and hopefully the right path will reveal itself to me!

Warrior

2011-10-06T17:39:00.000-07:00

Image from Pinterest

Woke up feeling energetic and peaceful after finally getting a good night's rest. Still eating better and taking better care of myself.

You say that you realize now that I didn't deserve what you did to me. You say that you can't bear to sell your ring eventhough you need the money. You say that you aren't trying to win be back and that you know it's over- so please stop lingering around when you come to pick stuff up. Stop making up reasons to call. Stop trying to get me to tell you what I'm doing and where I am. Please, for your sake as much as mine, please start letting go.

Baby Steps

2011-10-04T06:04:00.000-07:00

There aren't many things that I have control over right now. Not that I'm interested in being in control, it's just that I sort of feel like I'm in the middle of a whirlwind with nothing to hold on to. So I picked something that I could use to steady myself and feel like I'm moving in the right direction.

I absolutely have control over how I take care of myself. I can hang on to that. I can focus on that and start moving in a positive direction.

So I woke up early, ate a bowl of oatmeal and an apple. I packed a healthy lunch for work. I took a long, hot, and much needed shower. Now I'm going to fix my hair and put on makeup for the first time in too long.

I know it may seem superficial, but it's a place to start.

D-Day

2011-10-02T22:03:00.000-07:00

It's been 48 hours since he told me that he was sleeping with another woman, since I told him that we had to file for divorce because after nearly 5 years of marriage I had no idea how I could ever trust him again.

It's been 24 hours since he told me all about her and what they did and how much better she was, since it became real, since I really started to grieve.

It's been an hour since I last found myself on my knees, screaming and crying for God to "Help me Please!," since I last wondered how I was going to survive.

But I was filled with comfort and I knew that I was going to be okay.

The Right of Way

2011-06-16T16:14:00.000-07:00

I had a little epiphany the other day driving to work. I find myself to be a yielding kind of person- aware of my surroundings, considerate of those around me, but mostly cautious. Not everyone is like this. Some people refuse to yield to anyone except maybe in imminent danger. This is a fascinating concept to me. I don't necessarily want to be that type of person, but maybe there is some kind of balance to strike?

Some recent events in my life have left me feeling totally powerless- at the mercy of those in my life. Why do I let that happen? I'm sad to have to admit that it's mostly fear. And honestly, that makes me kind of angry with myself. Why am I giving away all of the control? Why am I not making my dreams come true? Why am I compromising EVERYTHING.

It has to stop. I can't do this anymore. I'm going to try something new and maybe I will finally see the change that I've wanted for so long. I'll fake it til I make it.

Everything's Okay

2011-05-21T22:15:00.000-07:00

It really is.

Spiritual Crisis

2011-05-01T22:46:00.000-07:00

Almost a year ago, something within me snapped. I can't believe it's taken me this long to process and understand it, and maybe I still don't really. Maybe I never will fully understand.

I had been experiencing one of the greatest spiritual moments of my life when I started detecting trouble. I felt a shift in my home. Knew my husband was pulling away from me. He wouldn't pray or read the scriptures with me. He wouldn't share his testimony with me. I felt prompted to action. I had the missionaries over to talk about it, but was only criticized for being a hard person to be married to.

I questioned my instincts and decided to leave it alone. To just accept and wait, but I couldn't help feeling that something was wrong. Within months, I was made aware that I had a reason to worry. That my instincts had been correct, that something was indeed very wrong.

And something happened inside of me. Everything I thought I knew, thought I believed, somehow dissolved. I felt like I had been duped by the spiritual leader of my family. That he was pretending to believe something while he acted out something very different away from church. It made me question everything. But most of all, I felt completely abandoned. I felt like the church was more interested in helping and protecting him than it was me.

In the months that we were apart, repairing ourselves- I didn't try to make myself believe anything. I tried to let it all sort itself out within me. Tried to remove my beliefs from the conviction of others- of my husbands. I wanted to make sure my testimony was mine all mine. And slowly, bit by bit, I was able to form a new testimony.

But I still felt hurt. Still do. I know I shouldn't, but I haven't figured out how to make sense of it all.

I love my husband and we have worked hard to repair the broken parts of our marriage. We have emerged stronger. I have managed to forgive him and have done my part to make this right. This isn't an attempt to dredge up old hurt feelings about him. I just need to get this stuff out. I can never talk to anyone about these things.

What I want is to feel that connection I had a year ago. I want it more than anything, but I wonder if I will ever find it again.

For Granted

2011-04-17T09:04:00.000-07:00

I've started a new post here almost everyday the past two weeks, but I haven't been able to bring myself to write anything. I didn't really have anything remotely positive to say so it's probably good that I resisted.

Here's a short list of events:
1. Had my post-op appt. Dr decided that we just need to go straight for In Vitro Fertilization- has the best odds of actually getting me pregnant. IVF is expensive, so it's going to have to wait a bit.

2. The next day my aunt (who lives just doors away from me) collapsed trying to get out of bed. She only lives with my cousin Katy who is 23 and has Cerebral Palsy. Michele went BACK to the ER for the 3rd time in a week. I was sure she had a stroke, a brain tumor, something like that based on her symptoms. After 10 nights in the hospital, she is finally home with a diagnosis of lung cancer and will be starting chemo Tuesday.

3. A week ago, I woke up with severe pain around my belly button incision. First trip to the Dr determined I had injured the area (probably picking my aunt up from the floor). Second trip to the Dr determined it was definitely infected. I have strict orders to stay in bed (as much as I can), but I'm hoping to be released to normal activity at my appointment Tuesday morning.

All of this has left me feeling like I take my health/well being for granted. I've spent so much time focusing on the aspects of my health that needed to change, that I haven't seen just how lucky I am to have a body free of disease that can get me wherever I need to go. My body and health isn't perfect, but I'll never take being able to roll over in bed, walk to the restroom, sit up without pain for granted again. Beyond that, my aunt's experience has made me see just how much worse it can always be. And even then, she could be so much worse off than she is.

So, I'm going to thank God everyday for my body/health/well-being. I'm going to love the skin I'm in. I'm going to accept this gift I've been given and be grateful for it.

Can't Sleep.

2011-04-02T23:54:00.000-07:00

It's been a crazy week. We have been in and out of the hospital with family for both scary and joyous reasons. I've been trying to get back into some kind of routine, only to have life turned upside down daily. And it's okay. It's part of life, but it has left me in this strange state. Grasping at something I can keep in control.

I've been preparing for the follow-up appointment with my Dr. on Monday. Joined some groups for individuals who are having trouble trying to conceive. I have lots of questions and I hope to get some answers.

While at work last night, my allergies hit my like a ton of bricks. By the time I got home and got some meds in my system, I was a mess. I was tired, feeling horrible, and then I saw this:

And I just felt it all so heavily. I decided this was it. I was going to have my moment. Get upset about how unfair it all is. Just get it out of my system and move on.

Then this morning, I saw this:

I realized that no matter what, this pain meant that I am healing. And healing may not mean that I am going to get exactly what I want exactly when I want it. I felt overwhelmingly peaceful with the fact that my body may not produce children for me.

Then, I remembered my patriarchal blessing. I will have children. One way or another. That's good enough for me. In the mean time, I will continue to do those things that should be done.

A Sneak Preview

2011-03-25T08:13:00.000-07:00

Late Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning, I shared some goals that I'm starting to work on. A big part of that plan is getting ready to be put into action very soon, but I wanted to give you a little sneak peek today!

I hope you'll come visit my new blog: The Clean Challenge!

I'm still planning to blog here about our fertility journey, life, and my progress but since clean eating is such a passionate issue to me and I wanting to seriously make it a way of life for us- I decided it needed it's own blog and focus.

I hope you'll come check it out!

The Unpleasant Truth

2011-03-24T08:16:00.000-07:00

Folks, I know you really don't want to know, but the constipation issue has reached critical mass and well I'm just not sure what to do!

My Dr.'s office suggested stool softeners yesterday which haven't helped yet. I spent MOST of the day yesterday on the toilet and in pain. It was honestly probably the worst ever. I won't even begin to tell you what my dear husband has helped me with, and he is sworn to secrecy!

In a desperate moment last night, he ran to CVS and bought me an enema which I was too afraid to use.

Any suggestions? My doc is unwilling to do anything else until Friday and I'm not sure I can make it until then! All I know is that I CAN'T use laxatives. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

An Ode to my Husband

2011-03-23T18:50:00.000-07:00

that smile

strong hands

constant laughing

devoted friend

adoring son

man's man

girls best friend

expressive eyes

commanding stature

caring, helping

latin lover

driven provider

can't live without him

my handsome havienero

Makes me one lucky woman!

Gag all you want! LOL... I wrote this as a newlywed and I'm feeling the love all over again these days.

Here's the plan stan

2011-03-23T01:17:00.000-07:00

Don't you love google image searches?

It's about 2:30am here and I am WIDE awake. My sleep schedule is all kinds of crazy these days! It's a side effect of my pain meds which I have been trying to take as little as possible of. I requested non-narcotics due to a family history of addiction, I just like to be safe rather than sorry... But my Dr. flat out said, you're gonna need narcotics. LOL... I don't know why, but it really cracked me up.

ANYWAY

There's not much to do this time of morning except read The Half-Blood Prince (which I will be doing as soon as I finish typing this here blog) so I thought I might spend some time thinking about my goals.

1. Pray.
I am really bad about forgetting to explain that I know first and foremost that I have a Heavenly Father who knows me personally, loves me, and has a plan for me. It is the first thing I think about, but something I often forget to mention. I had a revelation a while ago that this road was NOT going to be easy because I don't tend to appreciate things that come to me easily. I am honestly not in control of anything. He is. But I do have agency to make choices in my life and I have commandments to follow. I also know that there is nothing commanded that He will not provide a way to accomplish. Having said all that, prayer is priority #1.

2. Love on my Husband.
This may seem like a strange goal, but golly this has been tough for him. He had his worst fears realized when he had to break the news to me after I woke up from the procedure. All of this hits a little too close to home and is reminding him so much of the loss of his mother. NOT that I am dying! It's just all the years of taking care of her and feeling so much a loss of faith. He is an amazing care taker and I am one lucky woman to have him as my eternal partner. This trial has brought us closer and is strengthening our marriage everyday.

3. Eat Clean.
This is something I've been incorporating into my life for close to a year. I first discovered the concept of Clean Eating thanks to Anonymous Fat Girl. If you've never heard of it, according to Clean Eating Magazine:

The soul of clean eating is consuming food in it's most natural state, or as close to it as possible. It's not a diet; it's a lifestyle approach to food and its preparation leading to health, well-being and a lean look.

Foundation of a clean-eater's diet:

Colorful fruit & veggies
Whole Grains
Lean Protein
Water

Things to steer clear of:

Overly processed, refined foods

Refined flour and sugar
Saturated and Trans fats
Anything fried
Sugar-laden colas and juices
Alcohol

What I love about this concept is that it is so simple, natural, and is really kind of common sense. What I first read about the idea of Clean Eating, I couldn't help but correlate the principles with the Word of Wisdom. It's a plan that works for me- it makes sense.

4. Move.
Exercise was a big part of my life for a while there. I was pretty active up until about a little over a month ago. That's when a depression I had been fighting off for a little while (thanks to the high-hormone birth control I have been taking) really sunk in. I gratefully, have been able to snap out of that funk and hope to return to some enjoyable activity after being cleared by my Dr. on the 4th. My plan includes dancing, walking my dogs, and possibly joining the athletic club across the street to partake of their wonderful lap pool.

5. Breathe.
This is the final goal and it's an important one for me. I don't want to become stressed out with all of these goals I want to accomplish. I am going to take this nice and easy. Stop and smell the flowers if you will. Go with the flow. Hmmm, I think I ran out of cheesy lines with that one. But you get the picture.

Sliced and Diced

2011-03-22T16:47:00.000-07:00

*** WARNING: This blog contains graphic pictures from my surgery. Proceed with caution! ***

I am super excited to be blogging from the comfort of my own home for the first time in many months. We have finally had Internet installed at home once again and I am LOVING it!

In my last post, I mentioned that surgery would be happening soon, but I didn't realize it would be happening SO soon. In fact, it was yesterday!

Our day started around 9:30am and we made it home around 5:30pm. My laparoscopic procedure was scheduled for 12:30pm, but of course we were delayed about an hour. It took about an hour, but I had some trouble coming out of anesthesia. I warned them ahead of time that I tend to be extremely nauseous afterwards and the nurse anesthetist gave me THREE nausea drugs during the procedure. My first memory is telling the nurse that I thought I was going to vomit and then dry heaving. They gave me Phenergan which just made me totally unable to wake up. Oh, I hated it. I just wanted to be awake and with my husband, but I felt so out of control.

Once I was able to eat some ice chips without gagging and wake up enough, they finally transferred me to a recovery room and I finally got to see the Hubs. He had so sweetly brought me a big ice water and the nurse got me some crackers. It took me about an hour to eat a cracker, use the restroom and wake up enough to be able to go home. In the mean time, Havie had some news to break to me. He did it with some pictures my Dr. provided him of the procedure and so that's what I'm going to use to explain it to you.

(Before we begin- all of this info came second hand to me by my husband. My Dr. will go over it all in detail with me on the 4th of April at our next scheduled appointment.)

Turns out the cyst wasn't ovarian. It was tubal, which is what my Dr. suspected since it had not changed at all in the past 4 months. He said it was probably left over from the time I was developing in my mother's womb. It was basically the size of a pool ball.

The cyst was constricting and twisting my fallopian tube which basically was not allowing eggs to meet sperm.

Hopefully by cutting a hole the size of a penny and draining the cyst, the fallopian tube will heal and allow eggs to pass through. At this point the Dr. stated that he expected the ovary to function at about 30%. He said that number could grow higher, but we are going to start ovulation drugs and spend the next year trying to get pregnant. He mentioned that there are ways we can increase our odds of timing, but stated we would talk about that at the next appt.

While he was in there, he checked out my right ovary as well. This was the hardest news of all. It's hard to tell in the picture, but basically my right fallopian tube is pressed between my ovary and small intestine rendering it and my right ovary useless. It would require a major surgery to correct. My Dr. advised against it stating that it would cost about the same as in vitro fertilization and could just cause more damage. All of the research I've done would agree with him.

As you can see, I am up and about and feeling pretty good. I basically feel like I did quite a few crunches yesterday. The side effects from the Lortab are less than desirable- constipation, some anxiety, loss of appetite, and trouble sleeping... HOWEVER, I honestly feel pretty good and feel truly grateful for an awesome Dr. who performed an excellent procedure.

I had a little breakdown last night. I guess it was to be expected, but once I got it out I felt much stronger. 30% is better than 0%. My Dr. will implant up to 3 embryos if it comes to in vitro fertilization. And even if none of that works for us, we will adopt. Hope is not lost. I feel more determined that ever to take charge of my health. I can increase my odds of a healthy pregnancy by simply taking better care of myself. I've known it, but I guess seeing how low my chances of natural conception really are have motivated me to do all that I can. There is so much of this that I can't control, but I am going to do all I can.

Fertility Frustration

2011-03-07T11:16:00.000-08:00

I'm back!

I just don't know how else to get all of this out!

I know that I've talked a little bit about how I wanted to lose weight in order to have babies here, but this blog has never really been about fertility. I'm not sure that it's going to turn into that now, it's just what I need to talk about right now.

I started seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist in late 2009. The plan was to spend the next year charting temps/cervical fluid and try to lose as much weight as possible.

In October, I still hadn't ovulated. I had been able to lose about 30 pounds. I was frustrated.

I headed back into my Dr. We talked about PCOS as one likely possibility and set out to try to get a diagnosis, but a wrench was thrown in the plan during my first sonogram. A large "mass" was detected on my uterus. A CT Scan and two more sonograms have brought us to today. We still don't know exactly where the cyst is located other than adjacent to my left ovary.

Since it is so large and hasn't changed one bit since the first sono in December, my Dr. has decided it's time to move forward with a laparoscopic procedure. Not that you wanted to know, but I'm due for a period any day now. As soon as it's over, I am supposed to call back to schedule the procedure. He is wanted to get it done as soon as possible, so I'm guessing it will be within the next two weeks.

I have mixed feelings. On the one hand this is good news because we couldn't move forward with any fertility treatment or testing because we were monitoring the cyst and didn't want to potentially make it grow. Once this is taken care of, we can hopefully move on. I've had to be on birth control for the last 3 months and will be on it for at least one month more which has been incredibly frustrating. All I really care about is getting pregnant these days and this would be a big step in this direction!

On the other hand, most of the research I've read advises against surgery if at all possible. You can often do more damage trying to remove the cyst which can cause more fertility issues. My Dr. believes there's a good change the cyst is on my fallopian tube since it hasn't changed. He said ovarian cysts tend to get bigger or smaller and rarely stay constant. If that's the case, I could lose a fallopian tube.

My Dr. assured me he would avoid removal at all costs. It is an outpatient procedure, but I will go under anesthesia. I will be fully recovered in a week. Best case scenario is that the cyst is on my ovary, is benign and they can just drain it. Worst case scenario is that it is entangled or deeply embedded and actually requires a more massive surgery to be removed. Even if that's the case, he won't perform it that day unless there's a medical emergency.

You know, just typing this all out is calming me down. I'm not afraid of the procedure really or they cyst, I just don't want to diminish my chances of getting pregnant any more than it already is.

Oh, and the weight is still an issue. I have lost another 13 pounds since October, but I've hit a plateau and it's going to take some more effort on my part to push on through.

I don't know how regularly I'm going to make it back here, but I hope to be able to chronicle some of this. I've been struggling with some depression (one of the lovely side effects of this birth control) but it would probably help to talk about it more.

A New Plan

2010-10-11T14:52:00.000-07:00

Here's a shocker- I over analyze things. I think too much, thus making a mountain out of a molehill. I am wayyyy too focused on problems and fixing them than I am just living and loving...

And writing this blog is just an example of that.

It's time for a change my friends. This will be my last blog post here. I'm moving on and moving forward. The blog will stay up so I can come back and read it when I need to.

Thank you to all of you who have read my ramblings. This place helped me get through one of the most difficult times in my life.

So, what's in store for me? Life. Plain and simple.

Maybe open my own business.

You know, stuff.

Wish me luck!

A Dedication

2010-09-21T08:52:00.000-07:00

To my anchor-

When all the world is spinning round
like a red balloon way up in the clouds
and my feet will not stay on the ground
you anchor me back down

I am nearly world-renowned
as a restless soul who always skips town,
but I look for you to come around
and anchor me back down.

There are those who think that I'm strange
They would box me up and tell me to change
but you hold me close and softly say
that you wouldn't have me any other way

When people pin me as a clown
you behave as though I'm wearing a crown
When I'm lost I feel so very found
when you anchor me back down.

There are those who think that I'm strange

They would box me up and tell me to change

but you hold me close and softly say

that you wouldn't have me any other way

When all the world is spinning round
like a red balloon way up in the clouds

And my feet will not stay on the ground
you anchor me back down.

So, it's decided...

2010-09-16T17:02:00.000-07:00

I'm headed back to Corpus Christi.

UNLESS I miraculously get a teaching job in the next two weeks.

We honestly can't afford to continue to hold down two households. Not to mention that I miss my husband terribly and we are ready to get back to work on our relationship.

This is a decision that I would never make normally, to go back. But we've prayed about it and know it's the right thing to do.

My time in Lubbock has truly served it's purpose. I believe it was a decision I made with my Heavenly Father's guidance. We had to be separated from each other to be able to see the big picture and appreciate each other again. And for me personally, it has allowed me to focus on some personal issues that I've been able to avoid for way to long.

We have work to do, but I have faith that as long as we keep the Lord at the center of our marriage, we will be okay.

The Climax

2010-09-15T21:09:00.000-07:00

The climax (from the Greek word “κλῖμαξ” (klimax) meaning “staircase” and “ladder”) or turning point of a narrative work is its point of highest tension or drama or when the action starts in which the solution is given.^[1]^[2]

We've recently been discussing plot with the 4th graders on our campus. We have been using a graphic of a mountain to help the students understand the elements of plot.

It all starts with a problem at the base of the mountain. Then climbing up the mountain is your rising action. The peak of the mountain represents the climax or turning point of the story. Then it's "all downhill" until you reach the resolution.

I know that real life doesn't always follow the "rules", but every time I think I've reached the climax of my current situation, I look up and realize I'm not even close yet. It's like this mountain keeps stretching taller when I'm not looking.

I feel so exhausted from the climb. I always feel like giving up. Sometimes I just want to stop right where I am, but it doesn't take me long to figure out that this isn't where I want or need to be. So, I look back down the mountain. It's always VERY tempting to head on back down. It would be pretty easy to do. But then again, I've worked so hard to get here and I just can't imagine letting all of that hard work go to waste! Besides, my problem is still down there at the bottom so I'm just going to have to start all over again eventually. And sometimes that thought makes me feel very bitter. What choice do I have? It's not fair.

Sometimes I get stuck right there, maybe for a little time, but I'm embarrassed to admit that sometimes I let it last way too long. Sometimes I've been stuck so long that I look around and I'm not even sure where I am or where I'm going anymore.

I always end up deciding to move forward. I guess I'm just that kind of gal. I push forward, head down, trying to get where I need to be. But as I mentioned, I don't seem to be reaching the top. I continue to do the same thing even though it hasn't been working out for me. Because I think it's what's right? Because I think it's what other people want me to do? Because I don't know what else to do? I really don't know.

But now that I think about it, there's probably more than one path up the mountain. And there's probably no shame in having to head back a little if it means finding a more suitable path. Even if I had to start completely over, I would have learned so much about climbing mountains that I would have a better idea of what to do next time. Some patience might be helpful as well.

Most of all, I realize that I haven't been using my resources very wisely. I haven't been humble enough to seek out my Heavenly Father's plan for me. I haven't had faith in the process. I've lamented for not knowing what to do, but I haven't even asked. Now, that's just plain silly when I really think about it.

Now that I know, I can't continue on this road. I'm not sure what I will do just yet. I need to get on my knees and ask.

Dreams

2010-09-12T20:23:00.000-07:00

All of a sudden, I'm asking "What if?"

I'm remembering dreams from long ago. Considering possibilities I'd determined were impossible. Why? That's what I'd like to know. Why not?

Do I have the courage to make those dreams come true? Maybe I do. We'll see!

Creative Release

2010-09-11T11:55:00.000-07:00

I've always been a pretty crafty person. It comes to me naturally through my mom's family. Her mother was an artist who specialized in toll painting, and my mom is incredibly gifted with creativity. I also have some very artistic siblings.

I started at a young age with crafty endeavors. I've been into photography, scrap booking, painting, graphic design, and beading. A few years ago, when I got married and started teaching, I just didn't have time or energy to work on anything anymore. I'd try to start a project, but it would never get finished. I felt like I'd completely lost my creative spark.

I tried different projects, but I just couldn't enjoy it! It honestly felt like a chore which is crazy. Crafting was a major hobby for me at one point in my life- a way to escape and relax. I didn't have an outlet anymore and I pretty much just gave up.

Ever since I moved to Lubbock, my Aunt has been inviting me to go paint pottery with her at a local place called Art Avenue. Twice a month they have S.O.S. (Save Our Sanity) night. It's always on Friday nights from 8-12, and each one has a theme. If you dress up according to the theme, you get 10% off. They have snacks and games/door prizes. It sounded like fun, but I was BROKE!

I finally got to go for the first time two weeks ago. I had $10 and I was ready to have a night out of the house. I made a little hanging plaque for my classroom. I had such a blast! I got to socialize and be creative at the same time. I finished painting it just in time! I was so nervous about how my first project would look once it was fired.

I went back last night, and I was so pleased with the final result! I added the wire and beads and had the confidence to start a new project!

The shop has a shelf of items that individuals started, but never came back to finish. After 6 months, they wash the pieces off and put them back up for sale for a discounted price. I was able to score a vase that normally costs $21, and with my 10% discount for dressing up and my $5 off coupon I won at the last SOS ended up about $6 for it. I got busy painting it and was able to finish it right before they closed last night. I can't wait to see how it turned out.

I'm just so happy to be finding myself again. It's little things like this that are bringing me closer and closer to where I need to be.

Hurting

2010-09-01T21:35:00.000-07:00

I've watched you my entire life, you were so fascinating to me. Far more bold, confident, and intelligent than I could dream to be. When we were young, I was so jealous. You could break the rules without batting an eyelash. You could remember the words to a song after the first time you heard it. I wanted to be just like you, but I couldn't be. You were younger, but older. I always knew that.

Then everything got broken, and it was my turn to shine because I could take care of you. It's the only thing I could do better than you- take care of you.

They told me I was the oldest and I had to be a good example. I had to be responsible because you were watching. And I believed them. I tried to be the best I could be, but you didn't want to be like me.

We got older and older and you got deeper and deeper in trouble and I felt so responsible. I thought it was my fault. When we would fight, I couldn't sleep and all I wanted to do was make up. I took on a new role. I became your protector. I thought I was being just. Doing my job.

Then you left. And came back. And left again. Over and over. Breaking my heart each time. I was always there trying to help you pick up the pieces. Telling everything that THIS time it was going to be different. JUST WAIT AND SEE!

All of these years later, and I'm still playing that role. Cheerleader. Protector. Enabler.

But you broke my heart again today. For the last time. You've made your choices and I just have to let go. I will always love you and I will always hope and pray for you, but I can't keep supporting you. It's not my responsibility. It's not my fault. You're only hurting yourself.

I wish things could be different for you little sister, maybe someday they will. It's up to you.

I'm Still Here

2010-09-01T15:25:00.000-07:00

I feel like my life is kind of in this bubble right now. I'm stuck in this in-between space. I know it's only temporary, but it won't be changing as quickly as I'd like it to. I'm trying to remember that this in-between space has it's purpose.

I feel like I was in this exact same position a year ago, and feeling incredibly frustrated with it. I'm practicing more patience this time and trying to let it all play out. My hope and prayer is that if I give this time, I'll never have to be here again. At least not for this reason.

Updates all around

2010-08-18T15:52:00.000-07:00

I have a job now! Which is a huge relief to me. I am a Special Education Paraprofessional at one of the local elementary schools. It is a great campus, a great staff, and I'm really excited to meet the students next week when school starts.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Didn't I just turn down a similar job? Yes, I did. I accepted this position because it is way more likely to lead to a teaching position, it's here in Lubbock where I'm far more likely to find a part-time job to supplement my income, and because I felt like I needed to get back in before too much time passed. I've had friends take a few years off from teaching to have children and have never been able to get back into a teaching job. The education field is constantly growing and changing and I guess they see you as out of touch if too much time has passed.

In any case, I'm loving it so far!

I was visited by my husband a few weekends ago. It was a great weekend even though I was plagued by a mysterious back injury and we ended up laying low most of the time. We did drive to Spur so he could see our pups. Thumper was beside himself. They really missed each other! That's about the time that I said, maybe I should head on back to Corpus Christi. I hadn't found a job and I was feeling like maybe I had made a big mistake. But Havie so no. He said that we've made so much progress so far and that he wants to come here when we're ready, so he didn't think me moving back was a good idea.

And I knew he was right. We both still have work to do, but I'm grateful that things really are getting better for the first time in our relationship.

So, what's the hold up on his moving here? Well, it's a looooooong story but basically he has a suspended license stemming back to a very old ticket for having no insurance. We thought it was taken care of (even have documents from the state saying his license was restored) last summer. On his way back from Wyoming this past fall, he was pulled over for speeding and given a ticket which he paid. Then right about the time I left, he got a letter saying that his license was re-suspended for a year. I left him with all of our receipts from our original surcharge payments, the letters from the state saying it was taken care of, etc. I left it for him to figure out for once.

Turns out, they say we never made our last surcharge payment or reinstatement fee (both of which there are receipts for). To top it off, if we hadn't, why on earth would they send us a letter stating his license had been restored and send him a new one? But the year suspension is because he got a ticket on a suspended license! They said they made the determination sometime between the time they sent his new I.D. in August and when he got his ticket at the beginning of November, but we were never notified until this May!

Anyway, he hired an attorney, but we found out today that there's nothing that can be done. I just don't get it. Even with all of our documentation and all of their screw ups, that suspension stands until next summer. Since my husband works in corrections, he can't get hired here unless he has his license back. And we can't afford for him to leave his current job in corrections just to be here with me.

Unless a teaching position opens up for me, it looks like it will be a year from now before we are living together again. I'm just trying to have faith that it will all work out the way it's supposed to.

As strange as it may seem, I'm really happy right now. I'm grateful and hopeful. Life isn't always perfect, sometimes it's downright messy, but it's always good.

No, Thanks

2010-08-06T12:11:00.000-07:00

I learned a new vocabulary word today boys and girls! Oh how I struggled to use it, but you know it felt pretty darn good afterwards. I may just have to use it more often!

But wait! Before I dive into that, let me please apologize for my last post. I was pretty down in the dumps if you couldn't tell. Sometimes I just have to get that stuff out and then I feel so much better. I did and I do.

So, back to the subject at hand.

You see, not much has really gone the way I would like it to since I got here. Well, at first it did. But lately it's been one thing after another. The job that I thought was "the one" didn't work out. I didn't even get an interview. There are no teaching jobs in this area right now because of a budget issue. I haven't had even a nibble!

Last weekend while my husband was here visiting, we drove to Spur so he could see our dogs. While we were there, I asked my grandparents if the local school district might be hiring. Two phone calls and about 10 minutes later, I had an interview scheduled for the next day. Only, this wasn't for a teaching position.

It was for a One-on-One Special Education Paraprofessional position. I would be working with one student all day long. He was a 4th grade boy with Cerebral Palsy. One of my duties would be to assist him in using the restroom and cleaning him afterward. I would be primarily responsible for his education because the entire district only has ONE Special Education teacher. I would essentially be acting as his teacher, but would not be paid as one. I knew I couldn't expect much, but I had no idea that they could only offer me $12,000 a year.

I had already done the math for subbing all year and stood to potentially make at least $14,000 if I worked daily for the entire school year. So, I told him I couldn't take less than $14,000 to even consider the job.

He was able to offer me the $14,000 and then I had a big decision to make. On the one hand, this was guaranteed money with benefits and a foot in the door, but in a terribly small town an hour away from the city I'm currently living in. I wouldn't be able to afford to drive back and forth daily and there's no way I can live on my own for $14K, so I would have to move in with my grandparents. Which wasn't a completely horrible idea.

On the other hand, if I stayed in Lubbock and waited to see if I got hired on to sub, I could also potentially find a second job. I'd have a better chance of getting my foot into the door with the districts I really want to work for and live where I really want to live, but as of now I'm not hired to sub and there's no guarantee that anyone else will ever want to hire me.

And then there's a million other things that I considered, but it all boiled down to the fact that when I thought about what the job would entail all I could do was feel dread. So I went to bed last night thinking that I would just have to take my chances and maybe start looking for jobs in other areas altogether.

When I woke up this morning, I was having second thoughts. I know that no one loves job hunting, but for me it is a particularly heinous form of torture. I thought it would just be easier to take it and be done with it. Not to mention that I really didn't want to call the Principal and tell him thanks but no thanks. I actually started feeling guilty that I was going to turn the job down.

That's when it happened.

All of a sudden I knew that this opportunity came along because I HAD to turn it down. I had to not settle. I had to not do the easy thing. I had to choose the hard thing, the right thing. As horrible and scary as it is to turn down the ONLY offer I've had, that's exactly what I did because there has to be something better out there for me.

This is me letting it go. I know it will come and I'm going to stop trying to control WHEN it comes.

The Truth Is...

2010-08-05T11:53:00.000-07:00

I just don't trust myself anymore.

You see, I thought I was finally getting somewhere in life. I thought my marriage was stronger than it had ever been. We were active in our church. I was doing things that I really enjoyed with people that I really admired. I was seeing a future coming together...

Only, I was really wrong. It all started falling apart. I was being deceived... Worst of all, now I'm not sure if any of it was real or not. I'm not sure who I can trust, most of all myself.

I can't make sense of anything anymore. I went from feeling like I finally understood this life and where I was going, to feeling like I know nothing at all. I went from having a family to feeling utterly alone. I went from a life I had built to living this life that feels like it's borrowed.

I have options, but none of them feel right. Nothing feels right anymore. I pray for answers, but I don't get any. I pray for wisdom, courage, anything! But I feel no relief. I just don't know what to do.

I can't see the future anymore. I'm trying to make it through the next hour of my life. I know this all sounds terribly dramatic. I hate the sound of it myself. I make myself sick. I wish I could just STOP.

But I don't know how to.

Too Much

2010-08-03T11:54:00.000-07:00

There's so much going on right now. So much I want to write about. So much to be said...

Like this mysterious back injury I woke up with Friday morning.

Or the weekend I just spent with my husband.

Or my job offer that I have until Monday to decide about, that I really don't want but might have to take if nothing else comes up this week.

It's just too much for me to process right now. I have faith that it is all going to get worked out, someday. Right now I'm in the thick of it and I'm overwhelmed, so I'm officially shutting it down for at least the day. I'm pretty much stuck in bed with this back strain anyway.

All I have to say

2010-07-28T13:14:00.000-07:00

Sara Bareilles - King of Anything from Sam Garvey on Vimeo.

After a night like last night, this is all I have to say. And no, this isn't directed at who you probably think it is...

King of Anything by Sara Bareilles

Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But you’ll never see
You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps
You got the talking down, just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Let me hold your crown, babe.

Weighing In

2010-07-27T09:37:00.000-07:00

Current Weight: 297.7 lbs
Loss: -6.3 lbs
Total Loss: -9.5 lbs
Emotion: Whatever

It's been 8 weeks since my last official weigh in. So much has been going on, it's kind of crazy. I wasn't really worried during that time whether or not I was losing weight- I was just trying to keep my pieces together.

When I first got here, 6 weeks ago (WOW), I immediately started working out. I just wanted to try to make myself feel better, and it worked. I guess it's endorphins or adrenaline or something to that effect, but I started feeling much stronger.

The problem is that I was still sad and confused and trying to understand why all of this has happened. I can admit I got pretty bitter. I wondered how much I have to go through in one lifetime. I've already had a horrible childhood among other personal tragedies. Seems like I've faced enough trials in this short life of mine. I was having myself a regular pity party over here. Maybe I still am.

All I know is that I've eaten enough bean and cheese burritos to last me a lifetime. You see, food is my go to comforter and now that I live in a place that I can eat my childhood favorite, Taco Villa, I've been getting my fill. Only it doesn't actually make me filled. It's bad guys. I'm well aware of it, but as of yet I haven't been able to stop it.

I need a Taco Villa intervention or something. I'm working way too hard to keep sabotaging myself this way.

To keep this from being completely negative, just let me say that I'm stoked I hit a milestone of being under 300. I don't EVER want to go back.

Spur, TX

2010-07-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

About 60 miles ESE of Lubbock, in Dickens County is a tiny little town of Spur, TX- population 1088.

Spur is where both of my dad's parents are from, where my great-grandparents lived during my childhood, and where my grandparents retired to around the time I graduated high school. It's an enchanting little town.

I've been traveling back and forth from Lubbock to Spur nearly every weekend since I moved home. My grandparents are caring for my two dogs because I can't have them where I'm currently living. Yes, I am one of those who consider their pets their children. It's been tough.

Luckily the hour drive is a really pleasant one. I really enjoy the landscapes of West Texas, and it feels so familiar as I remember driving the same path many times as a child. I've done some of my best thinking during those drives. It's quite a spiritual experience for me. I marvel at the world God has created.

On my way to Spur yesterday, I started thinking about my very first memory of Spur. When my parents were divorcing, my Mamaw and Papaw (great-grandparents) took me to Spur to have a little visit. I was three, but pretty close to four. My Papaw was a cotton farmer. They had a huge barn, a big covered porch, and a little sun room that I spent most of my time in. I remember that they had their own bedrooms and I couldn't quite understand that. Mamaw said it was because Papaw got up so early.

Every morning when I woke up, Papaw was already out in the fields working. I'd look out his window and sometimes I could see him on his tractor. I loved him so. I'd eat breakfast and get cleaned up quick so I could go outside and play. On the porch there was a big swing and usually a new batch of kittens. They had SO many cats! Mamaw said it was because mice like cotton and cats like mice. All I knew is that I loved kittens! I was actually very allergic to them and usually had a reaction, but I really didn't care.

Before long, Papaw would come by and pick me up for our daily trip into town. He'd take me to the corner store and buy me a Slush Puppy and a Lik-M-Aid. I'd sit in the passenger seat quietly while he ran his errands. We were best buds.

I have to interrupt this part of the story to tell you a little bit more about Papaw. He died when I was 8, and I just cried and cried. He was a good man and I've only realized that more and more the older I get.

The Watson land bordered the Spur cemetery. At one point, they needed to expand the cemetery and asked to buy some land from my great-grandfather. He said he'd be delighted on one condition- they allow blacks to be buried in the cemetery. Up until that point, they weren't allowed. The very first person to be buried on that section of the cemetery was a black man that had worked with my grandfather for years at the Watson Gin. (Oh, P.S. my maiden name is Watson) My Mamaw and Papaw are both buried there as well.

Now, where was I?

After our errands, Papaw would drop me back off at the house and I'd sit in the sun room playing with paper dolls or sit at Mamaw's desk sewing buttons like she taught me. In the afternoon, Papaw would come home for a snack- Buttermilk and Ritz crackers. I tried the buttermilk and thought it was horrible, so I just ate Ritz. Then it was time for a nap.

In the evening came dinner and watching the black and white TV. I loved it there, so much so that I asked if I could stay a little while longer. My Memaw tells me now (my grandmother) that I was so well behaved, that they kept me another week, but they took my younger sister next and brought her back early because she was a pill!

After Papaw died, Mamaw had to sell the land and the house. I drive out there once in a while. The owners let my family hunt out on the Watson land every year.

Time moves on and things change, that's just the way it is. I am so blessed to have had the experiences I did and be able to remember them. I thank my lucky stars for my dad's side of the family- they created a stability for me in those early years when everything else was so crazy. I think it's what gave me something to strive for all of these years later.

Victimized

2010-07-22T11:21:00.000-07:00

Some time between 1:30ish and 3:30ish yesterday, while we were playing in the park, someone decided that they'd really like to have my purse that I thought I had hidden in my back seat.

Which purse would that be?

Oh, just my beloved Brown Pebbled Leather Coach purse. You know, the one that had my Coach wallet, my Maui Jim's, my flash drive with all of my life on it, and every little bit of money I had to my name in it? Yep, that one.

Police were called, banks were notified, and insurance was called. I didn't cry until I thought I had left my wedding ring in the purse as well. That's when I lost it. I could handle losing everything else. I mean, it's stuff. It doesn't mean anything other than they were all gifts from my husband. The flash drive was hard because I lost most of my digital pictures and never will be able to replace them. BUT the ring? That was another story. It had nothing to do with the monetary value. It was about it's emotional value or whatever you call it. My heart sank.

Before I could run home and check the only other place I remembered it being, I had to go check out the gas station where the perps had tried to fill up. I was hoping they had tossed some of my stuff (flash drive!) or SOMETHING! But no such luck.

By the time I got home I was pretty much convinced that my ring was going to be there, and I was right. With my spirit renewed, I scrounged up some change and spent an hour vacuuming up glass and thinking about why this was happening. I worried about what I was going to do. I have no more money coming in and everything I had is now gone. I have an open hole in my car and no way to fix it anytime soon. I have not heard back on a single job application yet. I thought about how much I wished my husband were here to help me or at least soothe me. I didn't know what else to do, so I prayed.

Then I went and bought a heavy duty shower curtain and taped it over my open window in the dark. That's when the help started pouring in. Everyone reaching out to do whatever they could. I was so overwhelmed by how many people cared and loved me. I'm horrible at asking for help. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable. But this time, I didn't even have to ask.

My best friend called me late. She said that she had been sitting on her couch worrying about me. Thinking a million things when all of a sudden she got really calm. She said she knew everything was going to be okay because I'm strong enough to do this on my own. She said she knows that I don't know that about myself and that it's time I figured it out. This wouldn't have happened if I weren't strong enough to handle it. Just as she said it, I felt the confirmation.

Everytime I think it can't get any worse, it does. And yet, I make it through. I can do this, and when I can't- someone has stepped in and helped me. This is all new to me people.

I'm feeling really grateful today. My window is being fixed. Gas and groceries are covered. I have faith that I will find a job, and that everything is going to work out.

I think in the past I relied to heavily on my husband. I forgot that I was strong enough to do things on my own. I became so helpless. I'm sure he felt so much pressure and frustration that they woman he met and fell in love with for her strength disappeared right before his eyes.

Just a thought.

"Status" Update

2010-07-17T14:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I decided to re-add my husband as a friend on Facebook. (Yeah, it got that juvenile at one point)

He then proceeded to update is relationship status as married to me and when I confirmed the relationship, I had no idea what I was getting myself in to.

See, I have this tendency to forget that every little thing I do on Facebook is documented for all of my "friends" to see. I wasn't prepared for all the responses that I got and the apparent confusion it caused. It apparently meant something far more significant that I imagined! I thought it was just a statement of fact- I mean, I AM married to the guy, but it was taken more as a declaration of epic proportions!

I just want to take this time to officially declare the real status of my relationship.

We are separated. We love each other. We do not want to file for divorce. We are taking this time to focus on our own personal issues (A first on his end). Time will tell what happens for us, but we both want to save our marriage. If things continue on this current path, I have every hope that we will eventually come back together and live happily ever after. He is staying in Corpus Christi for now. I am staying in Lubbock. That's about it.

I hope this clears up any confusion. OH, and I don't normally say this, but I'd appreciate it if you kept your opinions to yourself. I've had my fill.

These Days

2010-07-15T20:30:00.000-07:00

I'm spending the summer babysitting my best friend's two children. They are 6 and 7. We do about an hour of "school work" every morning and watch iCarly until lunch time. (I had never seen iCarly before, but these kids are OBSESSED!) Then we try to find some way to get out of the house... Parks, Libraries, local FREE events, or swim in the backyard pool. Their biggest concern is how much fun they're going to have today.

Sometimes I miss being a kid.

I'm in such a strange place right now. I know what I need to do and why, but something is holding me back. It's fear. I feel so tempted to just run back to everything that was familiar and easy, but I know that I can't. Well, I could but I'm not going to. It would defeat the whole purpose.

When I made the decision to leave, I thought it was about what my husband did. I thought it was about our marriage, but now I know that it isn't about that at all. This is about me. I have forgiven him and he has shown me that he is finally taking the steps he needs to take, but it doesn't change anything because I still have work to do.

I don't need to get to a state of perfection, but I need to get to a state of stability. I need to face my demons and deal with all of this stuff that has been following me around all of my life. I thought I was ready when I got here, but now I'm starting to drag my feet. It's fear. I'm afraid.

Yesterday, I drove to the temple. I sat outside and prayed. I started to say that I didn't know what to do, but the spirit guided me to rephrase my statement. I KNOW what I need to do! I just need the strength and courage to do it! I will continue to pray for it.

P.S. Thank you to those of you who are still reading.

Feeling Strangely Fine

2010-07-02T09:28:00.001-07:00

It's Friday. Two weeks ago today, I was loading my life in a U-haul. I was crying from pain, frustration, fear but feeling courage like I'd never known before. Courage because somewhere in my bones, I knew what I had to do. Courage because somewhere deep inside burned a hope that thrust me forward when all I really wanted to do was crawl in a dark corner and hide from the rest of my life.

When I set out that Saturday morning, I wondered how long it would take to not feel broken anymore.

I have the day off today. I have a long list of to-do's. But I started out at Barnes & Noble to use some free Wi-Fi and reconnect to the world. The first blog I RAN to was Passionista! (No offense to the other blogs I read, I just knew she must have posted the July Mix already and I needed a music fix)

Sure enough, it was up and I started falling in love. (I have a long list of new downloads now!)

Here I am. Sitting on the 2nd floor next to a big window, sipping my favorite drink, watching the rain fall, and feeling a peace that I wasn't sure I'd be able to feel again. This is what my Heavenly Father wanted for me. This moment. To be able to see the beauty in the world again. I recognize this girl. She feels like me.

Who says you can't go home again?

Checking In

2010-06-29T10:35:00.000-07:00

Oh bloggy friends, I have missed you so. I wish I could keep up with what's going on in your worlds right now, but I don't have Internet access very often and when I do, it's usually for just a few minutes. I'm babysitting an adorable little boy today and tomorrow and I was able to connect while he's napping.

There's so much I want to tell you, but I probably need to keep it brief so, here's the highlights!

1. I made it to Lubbock! I pulled a trailer for 11 hours all by myself and through San Antonio traffic no less!

2. I'm settled in. I'm staying with one of my oldest friends and it was an easy transition. I'm very grateful.

3. I feel good! I've been working out almost daily. My best friend so sweetly bought me a membership and I've been doing Zumba and Power Pump for the last week. I've been working though the pain and I'm seeing results already.

4. I'm not doing WW. I'm just eating healthy and conscientiously. I will probably get more serious about it soon, but for now I'm liking the fact that I'm not worried about it.

5. I haven't been weighing myself. Again,something I'll probably get more serious about soon, but for now I'm not worried about it.

6. I'm happy. I'm sad sometimes too, but mostly I'm happy. It's been rough with my husband, but I have faith that I'm doing what needed to be done for me and if things do work out for us- I will be a better wife as a result.

7. I know with every fiber of my being that I'm doing the right thing. I've prayed and prayed for guidance and what God wants for me is to take care of myself for once in my life and stop trying to take care of everyone else instead. This isn't about saving my marriage. It's about saving me. The marriage will follow.

8. And lastly, I have big plans for myself. There's so much I've needed to do for so long and I've just put it on the back burner for so long- therapy, al-anon, taking care of my health. I'm going to do it all now. I'm not that excited about it, but it's what needs to be done.

I hope I'll be able to blog more soon and get back in touch with all of you. Thanks for sticking by me and my ever-evolving blog.

Dear Corpus Christi,

2010-06-18T13:30:00.000-07:00

When I moved here over 9 years ago, I thought it was temporary. I came here for refuge and for safety. I came here to live with my mom for the first time since I was three. Even though I couldn't stand it, I have to say that you've brought me many blessings. A degree, a career, a marriage. Even though I've wanted to leave you for a long time, I guess it just wasn't the right time.

Today is my last day here, and I guess I'm feeling a few different things at one time. I want you to know exactly how I feel about you. Let's countdown the top 4 things I won't miss. And because I want to say goodbye on a high note, we'll countdown the top 4 things I will.

What I definitely won't miss:

#4. Tourists

#3. Hurricane Season

#2. Giant Flying Roaches

#1. Humidity

What I definitely will:

#4: Fresh Seafood

#3. Laid-back Lifestyle

#2. The beach

#1. My loved ones

Please take good care of the family and friends I'm leaving behind. Especially this guy.

Until we meet again,
Brandi

Back on Track

2010-06-14T06:40:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's only been a week since everything went wonky in my world. It feels like an eternity. But you wanna know the good news? I'm surviving! I'm even... Smiling! I know!

It was a roller coaster week and I swear just about everything that could go wrong Saturday, did. My attempt to raise some money with a yard sale failed miserably, I got stuck for an extended period of time at my in laws, my a/c broke, and I lost my place to live when I get home.

BUT I woke up yesterday with a good attitude and determination and everything worked itself out. I'm fully packed with the exception of all of my paperwork which is my project this week. I'm going to attempt to purge and organize my boxes upon boxes of files. I horde papers like no ones business. I've always been afraid to throw anything away, but not anymore! I'm not taking this clutter with me!

So anyway, I'm writing all of this to tell you that I'm trying to get back on track. I was able to go to the grocery store this weekend and get some good food. I'm not going to track my points this week because I just have way too much going on, but I'm going to eat 3 meals a day that are healthy and fall into the good health guidelines. Plus, I have been doing so much physical activity, I'm pretty sure I'm losing weight. My jeans are loose this morning!

I just want to thank you again for your support and prayers and well wishes. They have meant a lot to me!

Oh, and I know I've posted this before, but many of you weren't around back then. I've been watching it everyday to remind myself that there is so much to be grateful for.

Magic

2010-06-11T11:33:00.001-07:00

I'm making blogs disappear and reappear like David Copperfield these days!

Okay, so maybe I shouldn't have been so open with my feelings here and on Facebook. I wasn't thinking about the potential consequences for my husband. I honestly wasn't concerned about him at all- I mean, he made his bed... It was never my intention to smear his name, I was only reacting out of my extreme pain. In any case, I decided that I probably shouldn't post anything about any of it anymore.

Except, this is my method of release. The last 5 days of my life have been pure hell, and only made worse because I have no way to let it out. Not to mention that I have felt extreme judgment for my decisions and actions.

I can't stay silent any longer. I need to be able to say that I feel betrayed and abandoned. I need to be able to say that I've prayed and prayed and KNOW that I'm making the right decision. I need to be able to admit my fears, broken heart, hope, and faith. Everything that exists in this world was created by God, including pain, sorrow, anger. They serve a purpose. I should be able to express these valid emotions without fear of repercussion.

This isn't my fault. My husband is human and makes mistakes. That doesn't mean I have to repeatedly forgive him especially when he shows no interest in changing his behaviors. (Have I mentioned that he has yet to apologize?) Oh, have I mentioned he tried to throw me out of our home yesterday?

These are REAL things that are REALLY happening in my life right now. I wish I could paint you some fake rosy picture like I've allowed myself to do for far too long. I love him, but I love ME more.

The Plan

2010-06-08T04:59:00.000-07:00

It's a new day, and I finally got some sleep. I forced myself to eat something for dinner, after which I felt much better. It's these basic functions that I need to make sure I'm taking care of right now. I need my strength physically to stay strong mentally and emotionally. I feel more connected to my body than I have in a long time. It's interesting.

Something so beautiful stretched out before me yesterday. I felt an outpouring of love like I had never experience in my life before. Now THAT is some healing power. I can't even start to tell you what it has meant to me. It's meant everything.

The first decision that I was able to make was that I had to leave town. This isn't about running away, this is about healing myself and that needs to be done back home. West Texas!

But how? Friends stepped in and gave me a place to live and a job for the summer. Seriously, aren't they great?

So, I'm putting in a two-week notice today. I'm picking up boxes after work. I'm going to reach out for help.

And I'm going to make it.

Broken

2010-06-07T15:12:00.000-07:00

I'm not angry. I'm mostly numb, but surprisingly not angry. I don't exactly know what I am. Tired. Sad. Defeated? Determined. Hopeful.

Without having to spell out all the gory details, I just have to say that I'm back in the exact same position I was a year ago, and three years ago. If you don't know what I'm talking about, read some archives. I just don't have the energy to spell it all out.

I know what I have to do this time. It's time to leave. I've stayed on a promise of that things would change, help would be sought, and it was always better for a little while. Until things got comfortable again. Then it would go back to "normal" and we find ourselves back in this predicament.

I've worked hard over the last years to save my marriage, but I can't do it all by myself. I can't keep showing up for this. It's the only way I can take care of myself, and maybe motivate him to do the same.

I know my decision may not be popular with some of the people in my life. I want you to know that I've been praying about this for a long time. The easy thing to do would be for me to stay, which is why I always have.

There has been an outpouring of love and support from my family and friends. I can't begin to express the hope you've given me. I am a lucky gal.

So for now, I start packing. I go into survival mode. I take care of myself. I probably won't be blogging much, but I promise that I'll be back.

Motivation

2010-06-04T13:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but I'm feeling like I'm in some kind of slump. I wasn't feeling well yesterday and I think it threw me off. I'm no where near on plan today and well, just not feeling particularly motivated. NOT a good way to start the weekend!

So, I decided maybe I needed a little reminder about why I'm going to so much trouble to begin with.

This is actually my neice. I imagine our children will look something like her. She belongs to my husband's brother and his wife. Gabby looks alot like my deceased mother-in-law.

The thought of holding a sweet little chunk like her is just what I needed.

Thankful Thursday Returns

2010-06-03T07:22:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, this blog had very little to do with weight loss. It was just about my life and the things I was doing to make it better. And it still is, but for the time being (and probably for a while) my focus is becoming healthier- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

Once upon a time, I used to write a list of everything I was thankful for once a week. It was my attempt to stay positive and remind myself of all the blessings I have in my life. And it was my favorite, but somehow it got lost in the shuffle. So I'm bringing it back. I think this journey is mostly mental anyhow, so an attitude adjustment is greatly needed!

Here we go! (in no particular order, I just type them as I think of them)

* For new blogger friends! I feel like this whole new world of support has opened up for me. You guys are inspirational and you're honest and you're fabulous. YOU ROCK!

* For my husband. My havienero. I miss you when you work these crazy shifts, but so grateful that you work hard to provide for our little family.

* For my pups. You two look like ragamuffins right now, but you make my heart melt. Even when you're barking at thunder and driving me crazy, I know you're just being protective.

* For my family and friends. I know you love me because you listen to me and try to help me. I know I can be a mess, but you've never given up on me. Thank you for the support over the years.

* For rainy nights followed by sunny days. Literally and Figuratively

* For not having to water my plants for a while after last nights downpour.

* For having a stomach bug (AGAIN!) because at least I get to spend some time with my hubby today. (Did you see me turn that negative into a positive?)

* Last, but certainly not least- I'm truly grateful for the gospel. For a Heavenly Father who knows me and loves me. For the Spirit to guide me. For my brothers and sisters who inspire, teach, comfort. It's changed my life in every good way I know.

So, now it's your turn! I challenge you to come up with your own list! Can't we all use a little attitude adjustment from time to time?

Hunger

2010-06-02T13:32:00.000-07:00

When I was a teenager, my dad and step-mom joined Weight Watchers because they both felt that they needed to lose some weight. And they did. But that's not the point. I remember my dad telling me that he liked feeling hungry because it told him that he was doing a good job. And I thought long and hard about that. It was the first time I imagined what I had always considered to be a negative feeling as a potentially positive one.

This idea has expanded for me over the years. I had a pretty turbulent childhood and consequently have felt many emotions that I would consider negative. At the same time, now that I have some years, and therapy, and perspective under my belt- I can see how these things had a very positive impact on me. In fact, it is the very struggle that I've experienced that made me as strong as I am today. Without it, I am sure I would not be the person I am.

I have this theory about the world these days. It seems like we avoid any "negative" emotion at all costs. We go out of our way to keep from having to experience these feelings that don't necessarily feel good. And we go to extreme measures to keep our loved ones (especially children) from possibly experiencing them. And it is this very avoidance that ends up costing us more than we realize.

In an effort to avoid being hungry physically, I've kept myself from feeding so many other "hungers". I've known for YEARS that I would need to lose a significant amount of weight to have a healthy pregnancy. My Dr. was willing to help me get pregnant, but I thought it would be selfish to put my child's health at any possible risk. Not to mention that I would be putting myself at risk as well. And while I've made some attempts in the past two years, I've never been in this fight whole-heartedly.

And it's not just about babies.

I've said it a million times before. Even though I'm not looking to be super thin, I also don't want my weight to be a lifetime struggle. I want to develop a healthy relationship with food. I don't want to be in love with it. I don't want to be in my 70's and still freaking out about 10 pounds and forever wishing I were thinner. And yes, that's based on a real person in my life. I want to be living!

So, as I sit here and my tummy rumbles, I am grateful. Hunger is my friend and a reminder that I'm doing something right. It doesn't hurt, but it's a little uncomfortable... But not nearly as uncomfortable as trying to squeeze into clothes, feeling eyes on me everywhere I go, trying to fit into booths at restaurants, swollen ankles... You get the picture.

How has hunger helped you?

Gaining Perspective

2010-06-01T17:26:00.000-07:00

Current Weight: 304.8 lbs
Loss: +1.4 lbs
Total Loss: -2.4 lbs
Emotion: unsurprised

Oh, the excuses... I'm wearing jeans. I'm retaining water. I cheated earlier in the week. I didn't track this weekend. You get the picture.

I know exactly how it happened, and I know exactly how to fix it.

I've stayed on plan today and have tracked all day. I have a meal plan for the week. I have a bachelorette dinner Saturday night that I'm saving my extra points for. I'm just going to focus one day at a time, one meal at a time.

Most of all, I'm not going to let this gain make me want to give up. I've been down that road too many times before.

Weekend Wrap-Up

2010-06-01T10:38:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful weekend and this is all I have to show for it! You know I had a good time because I didn't take any pictures. Don't ask me why, but I never seem to document the times I really wish I had documented... Anyone? Just me. Thought so.

You wanna know how ELSE I know I had a great time? Because I didn't track anything all weekend! I really didn't go crazy or anything. My family eats pretty healthy, but I'm pretty much expecting a gain tonight at my meeting. I'd hate for that to happen, but at the same time I'm not feeling all worked up about it.

I'm back home, I'm back on plan, and I know that I'm going to stay on track. And I have a new treat! I was first introduced to my new love in this post from Peanut Butter and Jenny. While we were shopping for groceries, I saw a jar and just had to pick it up and try it! I just love shopping in big cities! You can find EVERYTHING! And my oh my is it delicious. And it's completely natural. and vegan. and kosher. and gluten free. and well, just read about it here.

In any case, I had an AMAZING time with my sisters. Spent some major time in a pool with twin 4-year-old boys (can you say workout?). And I got some much needed R&R. Hope you did the same!

P.S. I'm not being paid or compensated in any way to endorse this product. I just really like it. But I'm not opposed to doing so if you wanna send me some free stuff!

On the Road Again

2010-05-28T14:48:00.000-07:00

Why, Willie, Why?

I'm headed out today for a much needed vacay! Headed to Houston to see 3 of my 4 sisters! Yippee! I'm going to have a blast and try to stay on plan while I'm at it! Wish me luck!

Don't worry chickadees! I'll be back soon! Thanks to the long holiday weekend, I will not be weighing in at my meeting until Tuesday night.

I hope you all have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend, and safe travels!

Upgrades

2010-05-28T08:21:00.000-07:00

No, not that kind of upgrade!

I'm talking about my blog folks! After writing on the world wide web for several years, it looks like I finally have a viable audience! I say it's all thanks to HYC! It brought so many new readers to my blog, AND introduced me to so many fabulous blogs I had NO clue about.

My follower count has gone from 1 follower (You Rock Amber) to nearly 20 in just about a week! And sitemeter shows that there are many more visitors than followers! Not that I do this all for the glory, but it's kinda cool knowing that people are actually reading my ramblings.

In any case, I'm taking this blog much more seriously now. I now have my own Facebook page! (You should come be a fan!) And I'm going to be working on a face lift over the weekend and I'll be coming up with a game plan for posting! Wow, I feel like such a grown-up blogger now.

You should go check out the 100 in 365 tab. I put some picturas up in there for your viewing pleasure! (P.S. I live in South Texas, so it's okay for me to throw in some espanol... We call it Tex-Mex) I plan to update pictures and measurements once a month!

If you have any suggestions as to what you'd like to see me do with my blog (i.e. content, posts, etc.), I'd love to hear them!

Eediot

2010-05-27T09:58:00.000-07:00

I'm about to go all "Ren" on ya...

By the way... Why in the world did I watch Ren and Stimpy as a kid? Why did my parents let me? Hmm, that's a whole different ball of wax for a different day.

Now on to the matter at hand. I, my friends, am a bonafide EEDIOT!

How could this possibly be? Oh, it's possible compadres. Let me prove it to you! Last night I got home from work and was completely exhausted only to find that the meat never got defrosted for dinner. Being the lazy person that I am, I asked my husband if we could just get something to eat and he agreed. He then proceeded to pick a Chinese buffet, and I said... wait for it... YES. Oh no, that's not all.

On our way there, I'm telling him all about a situation going on with a friend involving her brother and a drinking/drug problem. I was explaining that he ended up relapsing while hanging out with a family member who was drinking. My husband felt that it was primarily the drinking family member's fault because they should have known that it would be hard for that person who is recently sober. While I can appreciate that sentiment, there is something to be said for that person having a choice and being accountable for themselves. (Having dealt with addiction in my family closely, I can see both sides of the coin.) My husband's final word was that while he understood that this alcoholic had a choice, his family should also realize that it is going to be VERY hard for him to stay sober if they are exposing him to enticement especially since he was still so newly sober.

So, we get to the buffet and I abandon any self-control that I may have previously possessed. I pile my plate high with all of my faves... throwing on a bunch of mushrooms, green beans, and broccoli for good measure. Never mind the fact that they're all covered in sugary sauces. UGH. I get back to the table and it hits me. In this situation, I am the alcoholic and my husband is the family member enticing me. Except, I really can't be upset with him. All I had to say was no. All I had to do was suggest another place to eat. All I had to do was put that plate aside and go back to the salad bar and get some fruit and maybe some sushi. But did I?

No way!

I ate that whole plate and then some- knowing all along exactly what I was doing! What is up with that? And when my husband showed up later in the evening with a "treat" for me, I ate that too! Even though I had previously asked him not to bring me any treats anymore, I guess he thought that since I ate what I did at dinner that I had given up.

I am so mad at myself. And it is obvious that he isn't going to support me through this process. I'm not saying this in a negative manner, it's just a matter of fact. So, I need to realize it and get over it. That just means that you guys will have to be my support system. And at the end of the day, I have to make better choices.

Can you do me a favor? Will you go be a fan of my blog on Facebook? This way I can send out distress signals when I'm about to make another idiotic choice and you can stop me! You're the best.

This Just In!

2010-05-26T07:26:00.000-07:00

I got an award! I can't believe it! I'm so honored! Wow... I feel like a "REAL" blogger!

Thanks to Sylvia @ Big Steps 2 Take, I have my first official blog award! I never knew I could be so happy about such a thing! It feels great.

The rules of the award are that I have to tell you 7 things that you don't know about me yet...

1. I am a published poet. I haven't written any poetry in years, but when I was young I had several of my poems published.
2. My dream car is a fully restored Jeep Grand Wagoneer. I'd take that over a luxury car anyday.
3. I have a Bachelors in Speech Comm. and a teaching certificate in Special Education and Elementary Education, but I'm not currently using any of them in my employment.
4. My husband can make me laugh even when I'm angry, which of course, only makes me angrier.
5. I suffered from insomnia from age 12-16. I finally learned how to fall asleep by focusing on my breathing on my own.
6. I didn't grow up with a religious foundation. My limited experiences were with the Baptist church and Unitarian Universalist church. I'd always considered myself to be spiritual, but never religious. I did not expect to become a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints before 6 months ago, but I'm so glad I did.

The 2nd rule is that I have to pass the award on to seven other Beautiful Bloggers! You know, this is tough because I'm seeing that most of the people I want to give it to have just recently received it from others, but I'm just gonna go with it!

1. One Year, 1.5 Pounds per Week, One Day at a Time - Sarah is also trying to lose weight so she can have babies!
2. Confessions of a (Recovering) Compulsive Eater - I've never even commented on her blog, but I have been reading it for a long time. Good stuff!
3. Anonymous Fat Girl - This is another one of my long-time favorites! I love her no-nonsense attitude and she shares some amazing Clean Eating recipes.
4. JewliaGoulia - Julia has lost over 75 pounds in the past 5 months! She is amazing.
5. Endurance Isn't Only Physical - This woman has lost 126 pounds! SERIOUSLY! Tricia totally gives me hope that I can reach my goals.
6. Flabby McGee - I just love this blog! She is so funny and I can totally relate to her!
7. Peanut Butter and Jenny - Jenny is dealing with ED from a different perspective from me, but I love how she works on achieving a balance. Plus, she is obsessed with Peanut Butter and how could you not love someone like that?

I hope you'll check these guys out!

Top Secret

2010-05-25T09:09:00.000-07:00

Que the spy music...

The information I'm about to share with you is strictly confidential. It is my secret to success... Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you-

My Daily Meal Plan:

Weight Watchers allows you to eat whatever you want as long as you stay within your points. If you wanna blow all of your points on Haagen-Dazs, you can. However, they do have a few Good Health Guidelines that they recommend you follow. And well folks, I think they're pretty darn smart, so that's where I begin my plan for the week.

Breakfast:     TOTAL 10 pts.
Dairy 1pt.
Fruit 1pt.
Whole Grains and Protein of some fashion 8pts.

Lunch:     TOTAL 11pts.
Dairy (yogurt or pudding) 2pts.
Fruit 1pt.
1 serving of Veggies 0-1pt.
Whole Grains and Lean Protein of some fashion 7-8 pts.

Dinner:     TOTAL 12 pts.
Dairy 1pt.
2 servings of Veggies 0-2 pts.
2 servings of Healthy Oils 2 pts.
Whole Grains and Lean Protein of some fashion 7-9 pts.

Snacks:      TOTAL 3 pts.
Basically whatever floats my boat. Hummus, Popcorn, Nuts, Cereal...

And that's it in a nutshell. I pretty much eat the same breakfast and lunch all week but mix up the fruits and veggies for some variety. I leave the snacks open so I can just eat what sounds good to me that day. I plan several dinners that fall within my points range and make enough for left overs so I'm not cooking everyday. Tomorrow I'll share more about what I'm eating for lunch these days!

This message will self-destruct in 10... 9... 8...

Week 1 Weigh-In

2010-05-24T17:11:00.000-07:00

Current Weight: 303.4 lbs
Loss: -3.8 lbs
Total Loss: -3.8 lbs
Emotion: Satisfied

It was a rollercoaster of a week. I'm super glad I lost, but still a little disappointed. I can't help it! I know it could have been much more impressive! I can't change last week, but I can have a better week. I'm off to a good start! Especially now that I'm not feeling attached to the toilet! Sorry.

Oh a different note, it feels a little strange being back in the WW meetings. I'm not going on my usual Tuesday night, so it's a totally new group of people who think I'm brand new. However, the leader is the same and she treats me like I've been there forever. I'm sure it will get better, but I was super uncomfortable tonight. I'm seriously considering moving to the Tuesday night meeting again. We'll see.

Does anyone have a kick in the pants to give me? I need one.

Preparation

2010-05-24T06:53:00.000-07:00

TMI Alert: I've been throwing up since last night. I think my homemade guacamole and squash/zucchini slices didn't agree with me. The vomiting is over, but now the issue has moved *ahem* south. I hate vomiting and I hate being sick.

Today is weigh-in day! I'm really not sure what to expect. So I'm basically not allowing myself to expect anything. I don't want to be disappointed. I doubt there will be a gain, but you never know! I still haven't replaced the watch battery in my scale at home so I have no idea where I'm at. I'll try to get that posted tonight!

So, onto the business at hand. After a few days of struggling last week, I determined that I would need to be better prepared for the week ahead. I have to make this lifestyle change fit in to my routine or else it isn't going to work. I'm going to be sharing things throughout the week that will help me stay on track.

I don't know about you but I've found that if I have a good breakfast, I will stay on my plan for the rest of the day. I don't know if it's about metabolism or if it's just mental. I know that when I have breakfast, I feel like I'm off to a good start and it motivates me to keep it going. And on the same token, when I don't eat breakfast, I feel like I've already screwed up the day and it can throw the whole day off... Like Friday.

I'm not a morning person. I'm doing good to get up and get to work on time most days, so breakfast can't be a big production. That's why I spent about an hour Saturday morning making a big batch of whole grain waffles. I then froze them. When I get up, I can throw it in the toaster, slather on a Tbsp. of Nutella and grab a piece of fruit. I can even eat it in the car if necessary. That combined with a glass of milk and I've got a completely satisfying breakfast.

Speaking of milk, I got some Almond Milk last week because there was an awesome coupon and you know what? I think it's super yummy! It's lower in calories, fat, sugar, etc. than even regular fat free milk.

What did you have for breakfast?

Confession

2010-05-22T13:42:00.000-07:00

I really don't want to do this.

I don't want to have to tell you about how far off plan I found myself yesterday. I don't want to admit to having Burger King and then later two bowls of brown rice with margarine and parmesan cheese. UGH.

But in an effort to be true to this process and hold myself accountable, I have to come clean.

Why did it happen?

1. I wasn't prepared the last two days and I think it threw me off. I didn't have breakfast at all Friday, then ate a very low point lunch from Subway, and then in a moment of frustration and hunger decided to sabotage it all and get Burger King for dinner. For Pete's Sake! That's pretty much the WORST place I could have picked to eat.

2. Because I'm gonna screw up from time to time. I can give up or I can keep going.

I choose to keep going.

I got up this morning with a new attitude and I've had two good meals and I'm right on target for the day. My indiscretion may keep me from seeing a loss on the scale Monday, so I'm prepared for that.

I'm approaching next week from a whole new angle. I've already got a plan! I will be sharing that with you next week, so stay tuned!

In the meantime, tell me- What are you most likely to break plan for?

A Big Deal

2010-05-21T09:02:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite weight-loss blogs is Jack Sh*t, Getting Fit. Jack is hilarious and straight forward- and I appreciate that. He regularly does posts like this or this and they crack me up!

A few weeks ago, Jack asked his readers to write their own white notecards about why they want to get fit. It has turned into a whole series called Why I do this here (W.I.D.T.H.). I was super excited to visit his blog today and see that my card was featured in his latest post.

And you know what? It was just the reminder I needed today. It brought back my motivation. I started to get really down on myself last night- how surprising! I had to keep telling myself- "You are trying to change your entire lifestyle! It's going to be tough and it's not going to be pretty! Hang in there and keep up the good work."

What is your motivation?

Will Power

2010-05-20T07:48:00.000-07:00

I felt it start to give last night. That little urge. It was late, and I was still awake and I wanted to eat...

But I wasn't hungry.

So, I wrestled with myself. I had 2.5 of my daily points left and all 35 of my "bonus" points. I could easily eat something without technically going off plan. But that's the rub. Did I need to eat anything? No. I just wanted to eat something. I kept thinking, "I should be in bed."

Then I remembered that I had some slices of 2% Swiss Cheese, so I pulled out two and ate them. I shared some with the dogs. But I still wasn't satisfied. Back to the fridge... I pulled out a container of cream cheese and ate the last remaining tsp. I wondered "why did we save that with only a tsp of cream cheese left?" And then I heard, "Go to bed."

So I did.

I got up this morning and figured out my points first thing. It was miniscule. I had exhausted my points for the day, plus one. So now I still have 34 bonus points at my disposal for the week, should I desire to use them. But I really don't want to.

Once I finished on WW.com, I was running late. I left the house without my breakfast or lunch, without my water, and in frustration.

Oh, no! I'm not going to let this get me down. Yes, it's a red flag. I should proceed with caution. But I'm not going to let last night or this morning ruin this for me. It's too important. And I'm doing a good job, darn it! It doesn't have to be perfect to be good.

So, here's the plan. I've got some yogurt stashed here at work. Going to go eat that now. It's okay that I don't have some whole grain cereal or fruit to mix with it. Something is way better than nothing. Then, I'm going to pick up Subway for lunch. Then I'm going to get a new color and haircut (thanks Taryn) and I'm going to feel good and be happy. When that's done, I'm headed to the grocery store for a few more things to stash at work so I'm prepared for days like today.

What's your plan?

Let's Get it Started!

2010-05-18T10:45:00.000-07:00

Not nearly as bad as I expected it to be!

I'm sorry I'm just now getting around to posting! I had hoped to get it all up last night, but it didn't happen!

So, I was pretty happy about my 307.2 el bees. It's only 3 measly pounds heavier than my last WW weigh in on 1-12-10 of 304.2 lbs. I'd only gained 3 pounds in the last 4 months?! I'm sorry, but that was very good news to me.

I'm off to a running start today! Had a good breakfast (greek yogurt and blueberries) and filling lunch (homemade chicken salad sandwich). I'm not hungry yet!

What did YOU eat today?

100 in 365

2010-05-16T16:28:00.000-07:00

You voted! I'm listening!

Thank you so much to all of you who voted and gave your input. I read all of your suggestions, prayed about them, and I think that I've come to a decision.

I'm looking to change my lifestyle, not just go on a diet. I'm not just wanting to lose a lot of weight real quick. I'm willing to take my time to make sure that this is a permanent change. That being said, I also know myself and I do better on a structured program. I also know that I need some level of accountability to stay on course. So, for now I am going to join Weight Watchers. The structure of the program will help me to get used to the lower calories before I make additional changes.

So basically I'm looking at this as a process to make a lasting and profound lifestyle change. The process is going to go through stages. I am going to make it a point to make sure that I stay true to this as a lifestyle change and not just a diet. Clean eating and exercise will become a part of all of this soon!

I had this grand plan to weigh in this morning, take pictures and post everything... Well, my scale battery was dead. The battery is one of those watch batteries, so I'll have to wait until tomorrow to replace it! So look for a post tomorrow night!

Let's Put it to a Vote

2010-05-14T13:54:00.000-07:00

I'm kinda stumped guys and I need your help. As I shared with you here, as of Sunday I am going to be back on the weight loss wagon. I'm just not exactly sure what wagon I'm going to be on.

I don't really want to join WW and have to pay $40 a month to follow a plan that I already know how to do on my own. But I wonder if I will stick to it if I'm not going to the meetings.

To further complicate things, I'm really getting into Clean Eating. It's basically consuming food in its most natural state-- or as close as possible to it. It's not a diet really, but more of a lifestyle approach to food and its preparation, leading to health, well-being and a lean look.

I'm wondering if I should possibly combine the WW program and Clean Eating lifestyle to have more structure, or maybe just stick to Clean Eating and control my portion sizes.

Regardless of what I do, I'm pretty well versed on what I should eat (veggies, fruit, lean meats, whole grains, dairy) and what I shouldn't (fried, processed, msg, high fructose corn syrup).

So it looks like I'm going to need your help. What do you think I should do? Vote in the poll on the right hand side of the page. If you think I should do something else, PLEASE tell me about it in the comments section!

Perfection

2010-05-13T13:23:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I allowed myself to pose a question on Facebook that had been bothering me for days:

"Does it make me a bad person that I'm wary of anyone who claims to have a perfect life? Maybe I've just seen too much to believe that's even possible. I don't allow myself to believe that anything will ever be "perfect" but life can still be good... and it is!"

It was out of the norm for me to post something like that, and I wasn't expecting so many people to respond to it. What started out pretty much a "brain dump" for me actually ended up causing me to ponder and evaluate the whole idea of perfection.

And here's what I've decided:

First and foremost, I don't need to be worried about whether or not someone thinks their life is perfect. It doesn't matter! If I am worried about it, that means I'm being judgmental. And I don't want to be judgmental.
My propensity to cringe when I hear someone call their life "perfect" actually has nothing to do with them (whether or not I think their life is perfect) and more to do with me and my perfection issues. I spent most of my life trying to be perfect to please other people. It's taken therapy, the Gospel, and good old effort on my part to stop focusing on the need to be perfect. It is still a struggle daily to fight that urge. But it's getting easier.
I'm not perfect, but in the same way- I am perfect. It's all in the way you look at it. After reading some scriptures and consulting talks on the LDS website, I think it all boils down to this: Humans are NOT perfect and we won't achieve perfection in this life. However, we should continually strive to be Christ-like (perfect) eventhough we know we will never fully achieve this while we're alive. At the same time, we are God's children and we are perfectly designed. Whatever we are and whatever we do is a part of the plan for us and thus it is perfect. Does that make sense?

So, I guess it all boils down to this: I am grateful for what I am and what I have in my life at this time. I am grateful for even the few bumps that I experience (eventhough they are few and far between these days) because they have a purpose. I can look in the mirror and say: You are beautiful. You are a child of God. You are exactly as you should be today. And eventhough those voices want to chime in and say, "But what about..." I'm finding it easier and easier to quiet them.

This is how I know that I'm ready. Because it's not about looking in the mirror and crying anymore. It's not about trying to fit in some mold of what I should look like. It's about being a temple. It's about my Heavenly Father and my family.

The process won't be perfect. I know that and I haven't even started yet. I don't have any unrealistic expectations. But I'm not going to give up. I will do what it takes!

A Lot to Lose

2010-05-10T14:13:00.000-07:00

Would you believe me if I said that I think I'm ready to tackle this thing called food/eating/weight? I wouldn't if I were you... It seems like I've been down this road too many times, broken too many promises to myself, made progress only to turn around a head back. It's been quite a battle. One that I've mostly been losing.

So what makes me so ready now?

In short- because this is the only thing standing in the way of me having a baby. And I want a baby more than I want anything else in my life. And I think it's ridiculous that I'm allowing my love of food to keep from something that I will love SO much more!

What is going to be different THIS time?

To be honest, I'm not sure. For one thing, I will be doing all of the cooking thanks to my husband's new work schedule. That will allow me to be in control of what's going into the meals and the portion sizes. For another, I have spiritual motivation and support thanks to the Word of Wisdom. And finally, there's YOU. Which means accountability.

I've been blogging about my weight-loss efforts for several years now and I've always been amazed by the support that my readers give me. I'm kicking it up a notch now by being a part of several weight-loss blogs. It's awesome to see how many people are out there trying to achieve what I am. And many who already have!

So, starting this weekend, I'm kicking off a new series- 100 in 365. I'm sure you can decipher that my goal will be to lose 100 lbs. in the next year. I know that sounds like a crazy goal, but at my size, it's actually very realistic. I plan to weigh in weekly with pictures and measurements. I will be sharing everything with you- what I'm eating, how I'm doing, and what I'm feeling. Should make for good reading!

I'm not going to go on some crash or fad diet. I'm just going to eat less and better, and get some exercise.

I thought happiness was Lubbock, TX in my rearview mirror...

2010-05-07T08:20:00.000-07:00

Ahh, Mac Davis... You sure now how to get a girl right in the heart...

When I was in high school, I couldn't wait to leave my hometown of Lubbock, TX. I wanted out of there so badly that I even took some night classes to graduate a year early from high school. I was adamant about heading away from home for college. As I was making my plans for school in San Marcos, my dad was offered a job in Houston. At that point, my grandparents begged me to stay and go to Texas Tech. They made a compelling offer, but I had no desire to stay. One hot day in July of 1998, we all packed up and left... and I cried the entire way.

Ever since I've become an adult (especially since I've been married) I've wanted to make my way back to my hometown. It's where I want to raise a family, lay my head at night, it's where I feel at home. We keep trying to make it happen, but the move remains elusive. I guess it just isn't time yet.

I really thought it was going to happen this time, but staying put is really what's best. Havie is already being prepped for promotions in June. If he leaves now, he would be starting all over. I just can't do that to him. We are going to use the next two years to meet some important personal goals and then we will re-assess.

Wherever we are together, we will be okay because that is truly home.

Chillin' Like A...

2010-05-05T06:54:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to get on here for a week now and update you on my "mission". I have to say that it was a complete success! YAY! I didn't get to do everything that I would have liked to, but by the end of the 5 days, I had a clean and straightened home. I had also finished some projects that had been on the backburner for a long time.

And thanks to some honest commentary from friends (Thank you so much by the way!), I also emerged with a new attitude and perspective. I'm ready to admit that I have been way too hard on myself which is the main reason things get so bad to begin with! I let things get backed up a little bit, then start beating myself up about it, which in turn keeps me from doing what I need to do, which only leads to the problem getting worse... UGH, get me off this crazy rollercoaster!

So, I decided to take a chill pill. Yes, I still don't think I have any excuse to not stay on top of things (no kids), but beating myself up about it is counter productive. I am doing what I can when I can and I'm not freaking out about what is going left unfinished. I've managed to stay sane all week! Aren't you proud of me?!

There's so much more I want to tell you about! Some big stuff is coming so stay tuned!

But in the mean time, tell me- What's your hangup? Is there something you're proned to beat yourself up about? Let me know I'm not a weirdo out here being hard on myself!

Mission: Possible?

2010-04-22T14:13:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me very well or has read my blog very long can tell you that I have many goals. There are many things that I hope to do in regards to myself, my home, my family. The problem is that I never seem to reach these goals.

The problem isn't a lack of motivation, rather it's an issue of being overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of it all. And being overwhelmed usually leads to me not doing anything at all which of course only exacerbates the issues at hand.

While I have MANY goals, I realized a few months ago that I have to get my household and routine in order before I will be able to tackle anything else. Maybe some people can do it the other way around, but I have finally figured out that I need the structure in my home in order to function well at everything else.

So I've worked for the last few months at it and have honestly gotten NO where and just more frustrated in the process. I've tried to figure out how things got so crazy and that's when I remembered something crucial: I used to have one week, two week, three month breaks when I was teaching that I used to catch up on organization, cleaning, and paper clutter. I don't have that anymore, but I've never put something in it's place.

I think I have a plan to shake things up a bit!

Starting tomorrow, I will be spending the next 5 days cleaning, organizing, and restoring my sanity. I originally wanted to take an entire week off work and utilize the weekends before and after, but that didn't work out.

I'm praying that I will be able to stay focused and determined to meet my goals. I'm sure I won't be able to complete EVERYTHING I'd like to do, but I hope it will be enough to allow us to make some new routines and live a less chaotic lifestyle.

Oh, and I keep getting the prompting to ask for help, so if you feel like teaching me- I'd really appreciate the assistance!

A Lesson in Gratitude

2010-04-11T18:22:00.000-07:00

I think it's safe to say that I am pretty much ~~completely~~ pathologically unable to be satisfied with my life- with myself. I can sit here and try to explain why, but it really doesn't matter. The point is that it's time to change.

High expectations are good. Unrealistic expectations are not. Having an eye on the future and improving are good unless it keeps you from seeing the here and now. You cannot expect to receive blessings if you can't appreciate the ones you already have.

The issue is mine and mine alone.

And, it's time.

I just don't like it...

2010-03-31T10:52:00.000-07:00

If you live in Corpus Christi, then I'm sure you've already received your new mail-out from Bay Area Fellowship. If you live somewhere else- here's the deal:

We have a HUGE church here in town that is very modern and cool. They have like a million service times and have their own band and have these "series" with cool themes to go along with their message. They send mail-outs to everyone in the area before each new series and make it seem very relevant and exciting.

Havie and I visited the church a few years ago before they moved into their new mega-building and we really didn't like it. To each their own! The message was good, we just didn't feel comfortable. It was too flashy and packed (and no one even said hi to us!). It just wasn't a good fit, but they are obvioulsy reaching tons of people so more power to them has always been my attitude until today...

This latest stunt is too much for me.

Yesterday I kept reading online about some church who was giving away over $1 million worth of prizes on Easter weekend. Cars, flatscreens, laptops and more... I thought that it sounded terrible.

Then I get home to find a mailer in our mailbox and realized the church they were talking about was right here in Corpus Christi! Bay Area Fellowship has outdone themselves this time and I really believe it is indicative of some real issues going on over there.

I just think it's sad. It's the wrong message. Easter Sunday brings out huge numbers anyway, so my opinion is that they are trying to funnel the masses to THEIR church. I don't think this is about Jesus. He is going to be overshadowed by the promise of STUFF. It seems to send the message that Jesus isn't sensational enough on his own. The story has to be pumped up by the promise of possibly winning some cool stuff for your time. Sad.

I pray that some of the people who attend with receive the message of Christ.

One Great Conversation

2010-03-03T07:19:00.000-08:00

I had the most wonderful conversation with a man from my hometown this morning, and it totally took me out of my non-blogging slump to share some thoughts with you.

I am currently working as an Administrative Assistant for a small family-owned business in the cotton industry. More specifically, the company I work for designs, sells, and services cotton module equipment all around the world with very few competitors. One of the pieces we sell looks like this:

In fact, our only competitor for module trucks is in Lubbock! Anyway- we put the big steel box on the back (among other things). So, this morning, we had a new truck chassis delivered from the West Texas Peterbilt. The driver needed to kill some time before he left for the airport so we had ourselves a little talk.

This guy was FASCINATING to me! He was originally from New York and had become a truck driver back in the 70's. Back then you only got paid when your truck was full. He had taken a load from Birmingham to Idaho and they didn't have anything for him to pick up, so he was driving back unpaid. He got called to run a load to Ft. Stockton and then to Lubbock. When he got to Lubbock, he had been driving unpaid for days and he was sick of it, so he quit. Dropped the rig off in Slaton and decided he would just stay put.

He said it took him 4 weeks to find a job, and that entire time a woman in Slaton let him stay at her little inn on the promise that he would pay her when he found a job. And he helped her by mowing the lawn around the hotel and stuff. He had to hitchike to job search, but he ended up getting hired by the City of Lubbock to work at the airport. Back then, they wanted you living at the airport, so they GAVE YOU A HOUSE! Seriously. So that pretty much all worked out just fine and dandy for him and he worked for the city for 25 years when he retired.

Oh, and he did pay that lady back with his very first paycheck and he slept on the floor of that house until he saved up for a bed, but he was just fine.

I was so struck by this guys story and it made me feel lots of stuff:

1. He was BRAVE. I mean, who does that?

2. Things in this world sure have CHANGED. We don't trust each other anymore. Most people wouldn't take care of you like that!

3. I sure miss Lubbock.

I'm sure it's not like it used to be, but I know it's still a great place to live. It's where my history and family and many friends are. I know it gets a bad rap, but it's one of those things that's hard to appreciate when you've never lived there or you've never left.

I wonder if I can get a good Southwest deal and go home?

Days Like This

2010-02-18T14:58:00.000-08:00

I feel like I have so much to say right now, but don't really know how to say any of it right now- so this will have to do for now.

My Sweetheart

2010-02-13T07:04:00.000-08:00

image found here

This is a habanero. It is one of the spiciest chili peppers known to man.

This is my Havienero. He is the spiciest man known to this woman. He is unequivocally the better half, but that makes me the lucky half and I'm cool with that.

(His name is Xavier which is pronounced ha-vee-ed in Spanish, but is family calls him Havie for short. Get it?)

Happy Valentine's Day!

Big Girl Panties

2010-02-05T15:23:00.000-08:00

I put them on, and I'm getting over it.

No more feeling sorry for myself. No more sitting around waiting for something to happen. It is so shameful the way I have acted and thought here recently. I have so much to be grateful for. I did some soul searching today and finally decided that it was time to move on.

I opened the windows to let some light in. Put on some music (which is still playing). Got in the kitchen and started cleaning up the mess that has been there for DAYS while I sat here feeling depressed. Sorry for myself if I'm being totally honest (which apparently I am).

Then it started happening. The music started moving me. The sun started soaking in and I started feeling... Happy? Yes, I think so. I even danced. What?!

And that's when my Heavenly Father decided to knock me upside the head. This song started playing:

Well, I knew He was talking to me. I knew that I really needed to LISTEN. I fell to my knees right there, and I just listened. I felt so full of the Spirit. And He was testifying to me.

As the song neared it's end, all of a sudden I felt a shove on my chest. My eyes popped open in shock and Georgie's nose was right in front of mine. I looked into those soulful eyes and I just giggled and cried at the same time.

How do I manage to forget this? How can I take it all for granted? Why am I filled with anything but gratitude?

I really don't know.

So, I got back up off the floor and with big girl panties firmly in place and attitude readjusted, I proceeded to CLEAN the kitchen. And I felt better when I was done. Please don't misunderstand that my world revolves around how clean my house is, but I've found that my surrounds tend to look like the way my insides feel. It needed to be done, and I needed to do it.

P.S. Image searching for "big girl panties" is interesting. You should try it.

Simon Loves You

2010-02-01T09:18:00.000-08:00

Friday night, we were invited to an American Idol Karaoke Party at the Mikelson's. I was ecstatic because I felt I had found an answer to my quandry. You see, I have this 30-before-30 list- And one of my goals, #27 to be exact, had me wondering how it would be accomplished since I have no desire to head into a bar...

So, I can scratch #27 off the list! I made a fool of myself singing karaoke in the comfort of our friend's home. And I tell you what, I thought sober karaoke would be really scary, but it was so much FUN! Seriously. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Did I mention that my husband also sang? Holy Canolli- he sure did! It was so stinkin' cute!

And although, there were some naysayers who suggest that I in fact, did NOT actually make a fool of myself because I ended up the "winner"- I'd like to remind you of one rendition in particular:

Beyonce's Irreplaceable

'Nuff Said.

Post Dividers!

2010-01-27T20:53:00.001-08:00

This is fun! Check out my new post divider below!

Progress

2010-01-27T13:08:00.000-08:00

As of tomorrow, it will officially be two months since I turned 29 and officially declared my 30-before-30 list. Since then, I also posted this blog about checking some items off the list. Since that was back in December, I thought that it was about time for another update!

Totally Complete:

19. Find a creative outlet- maybe rekindle my love of photography.

Photography is going to have to wait until I can afford the camera I want: Canon EOS Rebel T1i. But that's okay because I've found two new outlets. One is crafting a very specific item and the other is digital scrapbooking/blog design. In fact, they are turning into a business venture! That's all I really want to tell you right now other than more info. is coming VERY soon!

23. Make a new friend.

I've actually made a number of new friends in the last two months. I've never met so many women that I can relate to. However, I am thinking about one person in particular. I don't want to name names because I don't want any hurt feelings, but I knew the night I met this one particular woman that we were destined to be great friends. Has that ever happened to you before? Not me. Now, don't get me wrong. I have some WONDERFUL girlfriends who I really WANTED to be friends with from the moment I met them, but this was different. I actually felt in my heart that we were ALREADY friends. I wanted to give it some time to let the friendship develop before I just declared this mission accomplished, but it truly is!

In Progress:

8. Read 30 books.

I'm really going to have to pick up the pace if I'm going to accomplish this goal. I've only finished Eat Pray Love. I'm in the process of reading The Book of Mormon, Say You're One of Them, and a few others. I also have a list of at least 5 other books I want to read next. Three of those book were written by one of my new friends: Marcia Mickelson. (Had to give her a shout out!)

15. Schedule all of my needed Dr. appointments!!! I am so bad about that!

So far, I have already scheduled and had my yearly well woman checkup. I hadn't been to the gyno in almost 2 years, and I had been off the pill for almost a year. I won't go into any more detail, but suffice to say that was a major one that needed to be taken care of. Just have a few more to take care of before I can check it off the list.

Struggling With:

2. Lose 100 pounds- one of the reasons pregnancy probably won't come until the
end of the year (lol)

You all know it, but it's time for me to come clean about it. I had lost over 14 lbs, but have COMPLETELY fallen off the wagon. I am going to blame part of that on a stressful couple of weeks dealing with some family issues, but I have to be honest that I've just lost my drive. I'm trying to get it back together, but I'm struggling.

10. Follow FlyLady's daily routines.

I got started on the 31-day babysteps and got to like day 7 and that was it. Life changed and I didn't know how to adjust my routine, so I fell off of the program, but I am happy to report that sink has mostly stayed shiny. I'm slowly working towards getting back into the groove of things.

20. Watch no more than 1 hour of television a day. I'm just tired of wasting so
much time.

This one is ridiculous. Truly, ridiculous. Here I am complaining about time and yet, I find myself in front of the dumb tv most evenings. Part of the problem (but only a small part) is that the hubs is ALWAYS watching tv. We live in a small apartment with only one tv, which is in the living room, which is basically the only other room besides our bedroom. But nevertheless, I could remove myself from watching it with him if I wanted to. Most of the time I can't stand what he is watching anyway. I just tend to get zapped into to mindlessly watching the glowing box instead of doing whatever else I need/want to be doing.

So that's where I am in this whole 30-before-30 journey. I'm looking forward to possibly scratching two more items of the list this weekend! Are there any goals you've complete, are in progress, or you're struggling with? Any advice for me? Please, do tell! (I'm thinking about paying you for comments, or at least following me!) :)

Photo is from flickr.

Huh?!

2010-01-26T09:37:00.000-08:00

"So... A new blog name. Really? Why?"

Hmmm, good question. And there really is a good answer, but it's a bit of a story. Care to listen?

Back in 2005, I joined Myspace and started blogging there. I didn't know what I was doing, but I just used it as a way to keep my family informed and also to express myself. There was no rhyme or reason, no structure, but I loved it. Back in the summer of '08, I started blogging about my weight loss attempts and found it thrilling. It was cathartic for me and I got so much support from my friends through the blog. I was hooked.

About the same time, two things happened:

1. Myspace was being replaced by Facebook.
2. I discovered Blogger.

So without doing any research as to how start a blog- I set out and failed miserably at two blogs. No catchy name, no real "theme", no consistency... They sucked.

Then one more thing happened: My marriage was failing. Cue- The Love Dare. We saw Fireproof, I went and bought the book, and with some online research saw that many couples were blogging about their experiences. Hence, La Vida Ledesma was born.

I had a name, I had a theme, I had consistency- I had a successful blog! But then, it wasn't really about the blog. I worked hard to finish that 40-day Love Dare. It was tough, but so worth it. Through that process, I actually learned so much about myself and I had a spiritual breakthrough. But eventhough it was amazing for me, my husband felt differently about it. In the end, it didn't have the desired effect on our marriage and within months we separated.

That's when the bottom dropped out for me folks. I was so broken, but at the same time this resolve emerged. I was determined to pull myself out of that hole and emerge a stronger person than I've ever been.

I abandoned La Vida Ledesma and started a new blog. Butterflying Brandi was my attempt to get my stuff together. You can read about the meaning behind the name here. And it was incredibly therapeutic to write about what I was doing, experiencing, learning. This amazing thing happened:

When I started working on myself (instead of my marriage) the marriage just started working itself out. Isn't that wierd? I learned alot from that. Made me see just how much of a role I played in our problems. I don't want to make it sounds like I'm the only one who needed to do work, it's not like that at all. But what I found is that it was okay for me to make the first steps. I didn't have to worry about him or us. I just needed to worry about me.

And then an even more amazing thing happened which you can read about here. We had no clue or plan to find our faith when we did, but isn't that how all the great things in life happen? Reading the Scriptures, praying, and sharing the gospel bring us closer in ways that I couldn't have fathomed before. Of course, we continue to have our struggles, but I've been amazed that we remain diligent about our faith and focusing on better ourselves- we seem to resolve our issues.

But the most amazing thing of all that has happened to me (and I'm getting to the end, I promise) is personal revelation. My entire life view has shifted. Which sounds major (and it is) but at the same time it had to happen with all of this newly found knowledge.

My blog tagline was "I'm on a journey. I don't know where it ends, but I know it begins with me." Now I know that isn't true. I KNOW where that journey ends but I won't get there until I'm dead. It didn't begin with me either, but I am on a journey for sure. I also realized that I'm never going to reach perfection in this lifetime, but that's ok. I can be happy and imperfect. But that doesn't mean I should also just be content the way I am. I should always be striving to improve. I found this quote last week that perfectly sums up what I've been feeling.

"Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb." -Winston Churchill

Thanks to Miley, "the climb" is a pretty cheesy idea these days, but stop and think about what that really means. Yes, our journey will eventually end, but not while we are alive. As long as there is blood pumping through my veins and a thought in my brain, I will have room to improve.

I don't know about you, but that is incredibly freeing to me. That I don't have to meet some deadline (no pun intended). And I will fail. I will not be perfect. But that is part of the process.

So, that's why this blog is titled: La Vida Subida. Roughly translated, it means Life's Climb. If you were to put it into a translator it would also come up with Life Increase, which I like too. Plus it goes well with La Vida Ledesma which is making a comeback with a fresh voice soon.

I did it!

2010-01-23T23:07:00.000-08:00

I made the layout and header all by myself! I'm not all that happy with it, but it feels good to have created it myself.

See, What Had Happened Was...

2010-01-23T08:12:00.000-08:00

I'm not really sure where to begin. I left the blog months ago without much of an explanation. So, I guess I just need to begin there.

In August of 2009, Xavier and I separated. It was all based on one particular event that I really don't want to go into detail about. You can read about it here. As a result, I felt this determination to take the focus off the marriage and turn it to myself. I had just spent months working on The Love Dare, and what I had realized is that it wasn't enough. So, I set off on a new journey- one that is still in progress which you can read about here.

If you've been following my blogs for a while, you'll notice that I've once again changed the blog title from Butterflying Brandi to La Vida Subida. (You'll find the explanation at the new blog)

But I'll get back on track. Basically I spent the next 3 months focused on taking care of myself, and the relationship started to repair itself. We both realized that we had a lot of work to do, but we wanted to do it. We wanted to save our marriage.

We reunited in Salt Lake City, Halloween weekend which also started a brand new journey that weekend without realizing it. As a result, we have since converted and are now member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. You can read all about that here.

Xavier was sent home shortly after my visit and it gave us the opportunity to work on us face-to-face. It hasn't been perfect, but we are still a work in progress. Our faith has strengthened us in a way that I really can't explain. I feel closer to him that I've ever felt before.

As of today, everything is stable. We're both working. We're both happy. We're both healthy. We're both ready to move forward. Which is where the blog comes in. As we continue to move forward, we are going to be sharing our combined experiences here.

That's right! Xavier's voice will soon be a part of your reading experience!

We're excited!

Scentsitivity

2010-01-22T12:11:00.000-08:00

So, this has been quite a week...

I'm going to get back on top of things (life, goals, sanity) very soon, but I just felt like sharing something very random with you today.

This isn't going to be news for some, but will probably be a little known fact for most of you... You see, I have this gift. A Spidey Sense if you will. It is be a pain, but mostly it brings a great deal of satisfaction. This give of mine is an uber-sensitive sniffer.

This gift has saved my life- GAS LEAK. It has been a tormentor- NO ONE ELSE SMELLS DEAD RAT?! But mostly it has made me happy- SCENTED PENCILS!

When I was teaching, I was infamous for having every smelly product known to man. Stickers, Pencils, Erasers, Markers, Goo... It was my THING. All the kids and teachers knew about it. I kind of miss having a good reason to buy that stuff. Although I have to admit that I still have some scented stickers and markers at my desk.

Beyond that, it is more important to me that my home smell good that to actually be clean... Strange, I know. I guess the same goes for me. I'd rather smell good than look good. LOL

Here's just some of my favorite scents:
1. Lavender
2. Celery and Onion being sauteed
3. Amber
4. Spices (ALL of them)
5. Citrus
6. Vanilla
7. My Grandmother's house
8. Eucalyptus and Spearmint Oil
9. Firewood Burning
10. Fresh baked bread

The Game Plan

2010-01-18T11:19:00.000-08:00

Last week, I posted here about my serious need for some time management skills. I also promised to be sharing my game plan the next day, but then the most wonderful thing happened:

My husband got a job!!!

And so my game plan changed. I wasn't even sure if I should make a game plan yet because his schedule is only temporary until he is done with training. And so, I went back and forth all weekend about it, and I decided late last night that I had to start now, even if I could only make a game plan for myself day by day for the time being.

Since the hubs has to be at work by 6:30am, I have just been going into work early. Today, I used that time to update my calendar (majorly needed), look up some info., and think about what I needed to get done. I was alone with my thoughts and wayyy more productive!

Therefore, I was able to come up with a plan for the day, and I would like to share it with you:

Today's Plan-

Dinner will be made. Whole Grain Rigatoni with meat sauce, Spinach Salad and Squash.
We will have Family Home Evening during which we will finally watch the Finding Faith in Christ DVD that was loaned to us at least two weeks ago, and we will also read and pray.
Because of the new schedule, I have NO time in the morning for anything. So I'm going to have to bathe at night, set out clothes, and make sure breakfast and lunch are taken care of. If I don't do it tonight, it WON'T happen in the morning. Period.
Finally, If I have time, I need to write a grocery store list so we can go to shopping Tuesday night. If I don't get it done, I at least have to get everything together and write the list in the morning.

I'm hoping I can get to bed at a decent time. We'll see.

Happy Birthday!

2010-01-15T05:25:00.000-08:00

On our Wedding Night. Doesn't he look happy?

Today is my husband's 29th birthday!!! And he's starting a new job today!!! He is not longer Xavier, or Havie, or the hubs... He is officially-

C.O. Ledesma

He is a correctional officer with the county sherriff's office. And boy does he look hot in his uniform. Seriously never knew I was a uniform kinda gal before, but owwww! And he was issued his own pair of handcuffs! :)

Anyway, I digress...

My husband is the kinda guy that likes to work. He derives alot of his self-esteem from his ability to provide for us. He prides himself on being good at what he does- always striving the be his best. So, the last two months haven't been so happy for him.

I love to see that man smile. That's how he won me over if you don't know that already. He flashed a bright smile at me and I was sold.

It's so good to see him happy again. I'd let him sell peanuts for $1 a day if it made him this happy.

P.S. Thank you for the comments on my last post! I got some great advice, and I'm going to be posting another blog soon with my game plan! So, stay tuned!

S.O.S.

2010-01-13T07:44:00.000-08:00

I'm doing it again, people. Please help me out here because I don't want to repeat this pattern!

My WI was last night and it didn't go the way I wanted it to. I didn't gain any weight, but I also didn't lose any weight. Stayed just the same- to the very ounce. I was even wearing the exact same clothes! lol...

It shouldn't have been a surprise (and it honestly wasn't) but I'm still feeling all down and out. I'm getting that typical feeling that happens not too long before I just give up, and I'm not going out like that again.

No! I'm not.

The frustration I feel right now is with myself, but that isn't even productive. I know better. So, here's the facts:

We have made some AMAZING changes in our life here lately and all of a sudden, we have a LIFE. We went from the two of us sitting our lazy butts in front of the tv all evening, every evening to lessons with Elders, Family Home Evenings, Dinners with new friends, etc. And while we've enjoyed them- TRULY- it has thrown our household into a tailspin. The ONLY reason we haven't completely lost it yet is because Havie is still not working and has time to make sure laundry is done and the house is clean. If it weren't for that my friends, I would be sitting in a corner drooling. Seriously. I just can't handle this much chaos. I'm a creature of habit. I like routines and structure.

SO- I'm just going to have to make it happen.

It all boils down to one crucial thing- Time Management. UGH. I am really terrible at this folks, always have been. It is totally standing in the way of my weight loss/health goal. It's this terrible cycle of not being prepared and then resorting to eating whatever is convenient, and often being so hungry by the time that I do eat that I massively overeat.

I have got to figure it out though. Things are only going to get harder from here:

1. We were informed Sunday that we will be called this week as Co-Chairs on the Activities Committee. I am so excited because I'll get to do some event planning! Of course that also means I'll be needing to devote time to the cause.

2. I will be starting Visiting Teaching soon. Something I'm also very excited about- especially because my companion is someone I've wanted to get to know better. Again, also something that is going to require some of my time.

3. Havie is very likely going to be working again soon and then there will be no one to pick up the slack during the day. (It's actually been quite a blessing having him at home)

I know that this is not just a weight issue. It's a whole life issue. It's making the majority of my life predictable, so that I may be able to enjoy the unpredictable without devastating consequences.

So, this is where you come in- How do you do it? Are there some tricks or skills I missed out on? How do you balance all of your obligations? I will try ANYTHING you suggest!

Say What?!!

2010-01-05T18:44:00.000-08:00

Yes, just like that...

I stared at the total in utter amazement... I guess you could call it "sticker shock". (hardy, har, har- had to throw a little WW pun in there for ya) But I honestly couldn't believe it said that I had lost 7.8 L-B's this past week.

YES! 7.8! I KNOW! I couldn't believe it either. That's alot. Even for a big ol' gal like me...

Or is it?

Because then I promptly plunked my plump personage (try saying that 5 times fast) on the eliptical machine at the gym and did sweatin' to The Biggest Loser. Isn't that one the best? (p.s. they are really turning up the drama this season)

And it got me thinkin'...

Some people may look at 7.8 lbs and be like, NO FAIR. I can't lose that much in a week! And it's true, they really probably can't because they would die. lol... But seriously, isn't it all about the percentage (ala Biggest Loser style)?

So when you break it down like that- I started out 312 lbs. this week, so my percentage of weight lost is: 2.5% which seems MUCH more reasonable.

Most importantly, I realize that I won't keep this up. My goal for next week is still just 2 pounds. I'm just going to continue to track my points and get in my work outs. (More coming on that last subject soon.)

And a final note- I just LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the fact that I'm really not doing this alone. Cayce and Ashley- you two may not realize just how much you keep me motivated, but I just cherish the fact that I can count on you two for encouragement and know you're going through the same things I am. And beyond that, I am been blessed by so many friends and family who are cheering me on. And finally, I am so grateful to have a husband who is willing to eat good stuff with me and go to the gym with me. What more could a girl ask for?

Hunger

2010-01-03T11:49:00.000-08:00

The first Sunday of the month, we fast and pray about something specific. We go without food or water for 24 hours, or basically two meals. It serves two purposes:

1. It shows God how serious we are the particular subject we are praying about.

2. We then tithe what we would have spent on food for those meals we missed and the Bishop then uses it to provide meals for the hungry.

It is my favorite weekend even though it is tough for me. It has brought home just how much my world revolves around food. My first fast was a HUGE wake up call. I sat there an OBSESSED about wanting to eat even though I wasn't even hungry. And really, it's ok to be hungry. Yes it is an uncomfortable feeling, but it isn't painful. I've realized that I NEVER let myself even get hungry. I'm so focused on preventing the uncomfortable that it had been a really long time since I had even FELT hunger.

I won't eat again until dinner tonight and while I've had pangs of hunger at different times throughout the day, they have passed. At the moment I feel fine, but I can smell the lasagna in the crock pot and I'm a little tempted. It reminds me of something I heard recently:

The pain of sacrifice only lasts a short while. It's the fear of the pain that causes us to hesitate indefinitely.

I could go into a whole diatribe about how we have made a whole culture of avoiding pain and sacrifice, but I won't. I am just glad to be removing the hold food has on me, even if it's just for 24 hours once a month.

The Best of 2009

2010-01-01T08:58:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

Yesterday my general attitude was "Good Riddance 2009, you sucked." Then I had two different mind blowing conversations that made me sing a different tune. By the end of the day, I was feeling a whole new level of gratitude for this past year because:

a. It could have been MUCH worse and was for some people that I love.

b. Even the bad is good. Think about it... See, I didn't realize it either!

So, I'm going to follow in Leslie's footsteps and share my 2009 Top Ten list. (in no particular order)

10. For Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University class. If we hadn't found it when we did, we could have been in BIG trouble at this point. We majorly reduced our monthly budget and have followed it since March. We saved an emergency fund which we have not had to touch. We have given more money than we ever have before and we've seen it flow back in. It's changed our lives in a major way.

9. For being able to move from one job right into another. I got super lucky. I took a major leap of faith when I left teaching, and it paid off.

8. For the breakdown of my marriage. I know it sounds like a strange thing to be grateful for, but it had to happen. It woke me up. It re-lit a fire within and started a new journey for me. It also made me realize just how much I love my husband.

7. Speaking of which- I am blessed with a husband who loves me beyond my comprehension, makes me laugh until it hurts, protects me and takes care of me, has an infectious smile, is super driven, is steadfast, is so giving, and is a great cook. We are so alike and so different and so meant for each other. I almost lost you Xavier, and I promise to never forget your worth again.

6. For therapy. I wish everyone would try it. It took me a little bit to find the right person, but it's amazing what we've been able to achieve together. I've learned so much about myself, and learned to be so loving of myself and others (a major feat). I actually understand who I am for the first time ever and it is so liberating.

5. For LOTS of time alone. It was excruciating at the time. I was so incredibly lonely, but again it was needed. I had to listen. I only had my thoughts to keep my company and I had to face myself. I didn't like what I found in there. I had kept myself so distracted for so long, I had completely disconnected from myself. It actually breaks my heart to think of it now.

4. For being able to reunite with Xavier in Salt Lake City. We were able to celebrate our 3rd Anniversary together in a beautiful city. It was the first time we had seen each other in almost 4 months. It was when we both KNEW that we wanted to make our marriage work. That city will always hold a special place in my heart.

3. Speaking of which- When we visited Temple Square, it was merely an attempt to be good tourists. We had NO IDEA that it would lead us to become members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This is truly the most AMAZING thing that has happened in my entire life, let alone this year.

2. For all of the people in my life- new and old, positive and negative. They all play a role even if it is just to remind me of who I don't want to be. I can love them all the same because we are all the same. We all have something to offer to each other.

1. For goals. I have also recently realized that I'm on a perpetual journey of self-improvement. For the first time, I know where I'm going and it will take my whole lifetime to get there. I can achieve everything I want to achieve, but it will be a process. The biggest difference now is what is motivating me. It used to be fear, but now it's love. And it is truly beautiful.

The Stats

2009-12-30T19:59:00.000-08:00

If you want to see pics you can click here, but do so at your own risk!

As of yesterday:

Weight: 312

BMI: 51.9 (Obese)

Measurements: (I'm only going to update this once a month)

Waist: 53"

Hip: 55"

Thigh: 19"

Arm: 18"

Interestingly enough, I looked back at my OLD myspace blog and compared my measurements when I was 313 lbs. back in June '08. They are exactly the same except my thigh was two inches bigger back then. I wonder what that's all about?

Oh well! I had a great day today. Ate all of my points and spent 45 minutes on the eliptical machine. Feels good!

#1

2009-12-30T06:41:00.000-08:00

In the education field, we are taught to "Begin with the end in mind". So, we know that by the end of the year, each one of our students are to have mastered the TEKS (Texas Essential Knowledge and Skills) for that particular grade level.

My first year of teaching, I had to complete a project within the first few weeks of the school year using backwards design. I had to take the TEKS and plan out the ENTIRE year. If the students were going to have to be able to do long division by the end of the year, what did I need to teach first, next, and so on. It was an incredible undertaking, but it actually made my life SO much easier. I didn't have to focus on what they had to do in the end, I could focus on this week, this day.

So, last night at my WW meeting, we were talking about goals and my leader used this acronym:

S- Specific
M- Measurable
A- Attainable
R- Realistic
T- Timely

And I started to really relate my personal goals to what I did as a teacher and making goals for my students.

So, goal #1 from my 30-before-30 list is to lose 100 pounds by my 30th birthday. Let's check it out to see if it's a good goal or not:

1. Is it specific? Yes.
2. Is it measurable? Yes.
3. Is it attainable? Well, this is where it starts to kind of get questionable. So, let's break it down. I have 47 weeks (almost 48) until my 30th birthday. If I divide 100 by 47, that's 2.13 pounds per week. Plus, I usually lose over 5 pounds a week for the first month or so that actually brings it down to below 2 pounds a week after that. So, it is attainable- Yes.
4. Is it realistic? Hmmm, I really don't know. Keep reading as I break this question down.
5. Is it timely? Yes.

Now as for realistic... My first gut instinct is to say no, but I think that's because I'm looking at 100 pounds and feeling the stress of such a big goal.

So, that brings me back to the topic of the WW meeting. We used the analogy of taking a trip, and it really hit home for me.

Just this past weekend, I made the long drive from Corpus Christi, TX to the little bitty town of Spur, TX (ESE of Lubbock). It's a 7.5-8 hour drive, but I can't think about it as an 8 hour drive or I just don't want to do it. Instead, I think of it as a series of goals:

First, I just have to make it to San Antonio (Boerne to be exact) and that's only 2.5 hours. We get out and stretch, walk the dogs, and generally take our time before we get back on the road.

Then our next goal is to make it to Eden, TX. It's another 2 hours and they have places to eat lunch, so once again we take our time and take a break before we hop in the car for the next leg of the trip.

Our next stop is in Sweetwater, TX and then the last leg of the trip until we get to Spur. And that last leg of the trip can take the longest just because we know that we're getting close, so eventhough we don't stop again, we have all of these little landmarks that we look for as we got along (call them mini-goals if you'd like). The other thing that I do during the whole trip is think about what's at the end of the trip, which is my family. And isn't that the REAL goal? It's not just to land in Spur, TX. It's to be with the people that I love.

SO...

What if I take this big goal, and break it down into pieces that feel manageable to me. Like, can I lose 2 pounds this week? Yes, I feel very confident that I can.

Is it realistic for me to think that I can lose 2 pounds this week? Yes, it is.

So, there you go. And later on, as it gets tougher, I may have to adjust my goal, but that's ok. If I drove all the way to Sweetwater and got a flat, would I turn all the way around and go back home? No. I would have to take some time and deal with the situation and then continue forward. (AND THAT RIGHT THERE FOLKS HAS BEEN MY BIGGEST ISSUE)

Life is going to happen and get in the way and I've got to give myself some slack. This does not have to be a perfect process. Because in the end, is the 100 pounds my REAL goal? No. I want to be healthier and happier, I want to have a family, I want to treat my body as a temple. Those are the real goals and they are so much more important than the number.

2 Down, 28 to Go!

2009-12-21T14:42:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago (ok, so almost a month ago) I shared my 30-before-30 list with the whole world- embarassing #30 and all. (Hey, I'm nothing if not honest, right? ... Right?)

And then I seem to have pretty much fallen off the face of the planet. Ok, so that isn't exactly true. (hmmm, maybe not as honest as I thought.)

The truth is that the last month has been incredible, and I've just been so busy going through it that I haven't stopped to document it. Which really, is kind of a bad idea.

So, this is my attempt today! I have some triumphant news to share with you! I can officially check off two items from my checklist!

But first I must interrupt our regularly scheduled programming for this special announcement:

I know what you're thinking! She cheated! She put those two things on the list knowing that she was about to do them! I know how you think. How dare you judge my list lest your list be judged. Um, you have a list, right? Right.

You will have to stand corrected though because this list was started quite a while before my birthday and both items were on there LONG before the trip to Salt Lake City and items #28 and 29 are totally unrelated. Yes, you are right, Mormons do not drink coffee or tea (herbal tea is ok), but no they do not have anything against sodas in moderation.

I on the other hand do have something against them. For a while now, caffeine has made me feel bad. It makes me swell up and my kidneys hurt, so I don't drink it anymore. Ok, so I had two slip ups since my birthday with Coke Zero, but I didn't finish them and they were while I was weening off. I can tell you today that I am officially OVER caffeine. Seriously.

As for #29, we are officially members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The baptism and confirmation were amazing ceremonies, and I cried many tears of joy. I feel so incredibly blessed. I also received a very specific message about what God wants from me which is very exciting. I don't think I could effectively describe what has happened without diminishing it, so I'll just leave it at that.

As for all of the other goals, I'm getting back on track and making a plan of action. Those details are soon to come!

What Comes Next?

2009-12-10T10:56:00.000-08:00

I wish my life were like this-

But it's a lot more like this-

I've got to stop repeating this pattern. I've got to be able to hit stumbling blocks without it becoming a catastrophe. I've got to be able to move forward, but truly to do that I've got to forgive myself for being human and imperfect. I've got to stop telling myself what I've got to do.

Let it go, Brandi. Accept yourself. Love yourself. It's ok.

Fire Drill

2009-12-07T07:32:00.000-08:00

If you wanna know what this is all about you can go back and read this blog or just check out FlyLady's Beginner BabySteps.

Day 6: Hot Spots!

- Getting Dressed to lace up shoes
- Keeping our sink shining
- Going to Big Tent and reading messages
- Looking at our posted reminders in the kitchen and bathroom
- Recognizing the negative voices when you hear them and changing the words to be nice to you. That is what FLYing (Finally Loving Yourself) is all about.
Today we are going to learn about Hot Spots. We all have them. Here is a link on our website to read the definition of a Hot Spot.
http://flylady.net/pages/FLYFaq.asp#hotspot
Now I want you to set your timer for 2 minutes and lets practice putting out your Hot Spot. You don’t have to work till you have finished; just do what you can in 2 minutes. Put your bills in one place. This will keep you from having to search for them.

This is one of our worst hot spots:

Our coffee table is like the epicenter of our home. We eat here (no dining table), we use our laptops here, and we drop all of our junk here! And it's really hard to do all of those things there when it is usually covered with junk. So, we set the timer (yes, I said we because the hubs wanted to help) and two minutes later, this is what we had:
Seriously. Two minutes. For real.

Granted, it wasn't that bad to begin with, but it just goes to show that you don't need a lot of time to make a big impact. It is an area that is constantly going to be a hot spot, but I know I'll just need to spend 2 minutes and it'll be clean and clutter free!

P.S. Did you see that blue thing in the first picture? That's where I keep all of our bills/important info. like our monthly budget.